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Am at my wits end

(7 Posts)
JessicaJones35 Wed 11-Feb-15 13:58:59

Ok this is a long one. We separated just over 2 years ago and it has been awful ever since. Kids are 3 and 5 and see their dad on an adhoc basis. In my opinion he only wants to see them when it suits.
His parents went to my parents in an attempt to sort out access as we cant agree on anything ourselves (every single conversation turns into massive arguments).
He wants them one evening a week and one day at the weekend. he stated a number of dates throughtout the year when he had other things to do and didnt want too see the kids.
Despite me having no opportunity to say what suited me, I agreed to it.
He then said that these days we agreed on were likely to change due to football commitments.
When I said that I wasnt happy about this (we have had no contact , its all been thorugh our parents) my own parents told me that I was being a useless mother and selfish by not agreeing to his changes. "how could i expect him to give up football"??!! They said I need to put the kids first and stop thinking about myself.

I am so angry. I feel like I no longer have a say in my own childrens lives. Anytime I disagree with anything he dictates, my parents tell me Im a useless mother.
I dont see any point in me being here anymore. The kids dont need me, they have their grandparents and their daddy (when it suits him).
According to everyone else, im a useless parent.
Can I also add, i have never went anywhere without my children, never ever left them with a babysitter or left them with anyone other than my own mother. I work 3 days a week and the rest of my time is spent with my children.
I dont know what to do. I cant cope iwth this. I have been bullied and guilted into agreeing to everything he wants. and its still not enough. I am sick to my stomach.
someone please help me.

OP’s posts: |
ThisIsYourLife Wed 11-Feb-15 16:21:45

I think you need to take back some control here OP. Your parents don't sound very supportive so I'd cut them out of any negotiations, and possibly reduce contact overall.

Do you have an email for ex? I would start by writing an email stating that from now on your parents will no longer be involved and email is the only way in which you are willing to communicate. I would then state that the current contact arrangements are not acceptable and offer what you're happy with. So if 1 weekday and 1 weekend day is what you're happy with offer that on the condition that if he can't personally care for the children on 'his' days he needs to arrange childcare.
Currently he still has control over your life and as an ex he shouldn't. Its perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to make plans for you 'days off' and regular, rather than sporadic', contact is what is best for your dc.

If he refuses then honestly I'd be tempted to stop contact and let him go down then legal route, then he will have a court order to adhere to and won't be able to mess you around without breaking it, and you'll have email evidence of your perfectly reasonable offers of contact.

Lastly, of course your DC need you, you are their mum, no-one else. You're brow beaten right now but you CAN take back control.

loumaria Wed 11-Feb-15 19:09:01

Sorry to hear your nightmare. You need a supportive network, whether it be friends, a counsellor, doctor etc, etc - there are lots of organisations out there. Start with gingerbread or something similar. You are being treated unfairly and clearly are not being heard. Don't put up with it x

FushandChups Wed 11-Feb-15 21:11:44

Your situation spunds like a carbon copy of how mine was down to the age of the children although thankfully minus the parental involvement.

Like Thisisyourlife suggests, this needs to be more formal footing. Keep things in writing - discuss mediation and when that fails, speak to a solicitor (you can normally get first half hour/appointment free!).. you then understand where you stand.

I ended up being we this route and he tried to manipulate that too - still making demands up until the final seconds before finally finally signing the arrangement order today.

Get serious about this - your DC need you and more importantly need you to fight for what is in their best interest which doesn't sound like your ex or either set of parents.

I wish you luck - it is a shitty place to be but when you get out the other side, the fight is worth it.. thanks

FushandChups Wed 11-Feb-15 21:13:26

That should say 'ended up going down the legal route' - not sure what happened.

I know the costs are scary - and they are with someone completely unreasonable - but you will feel more in control and that is worth every penny!

StarOnTheTree Wed 11-Feb-15 21:23:11

Sounds like my ex OP. After a year of him messing me about not having contact at the agreed times (the times that he had insisted on) I told him that he had to stick to our agreement or I would stop the contact.

So he took me to court to get the contact that I'd agreed to previously hmm and then still didn't stick to it, so I would arrange to work when he was due to have the DC and then he wouldn't have them, over and over again. We went to court 3 times before I realised there was no way of making him stick to the agreement. The courts insisted that I make sure the DC were available for him but they would do nothing to make him have them shock angry

But on the subject of your parents OP tell them you'll sort out contact yourself. They're not helping you, or your DC, so you don't need them to be involved at all. Their behaviour is contributing to you feeling the way you do and you just don't need that right now.

mummibear Fri 13-Feb-15 23:33:56

Their all piling it on you aren't they. I feel for you, life just isn't fair. Your obviously feeling vulnerable and rather than helping resolve things the other parties involved are basically bullying you. My advice is push back, be as awkward as hell, don't be obliging, hes obviously not going to see his kids regularly, so only treat arrangements with the same commitment he does? He'll blame you for his own failings anyway. You don't have to do what other people think you should. Give him a list of times/dates convinient for contact and if he wants to prioritise other things above seeing his kids then that's not for you to sort out. This might sound extreme but nothing much hardens you more than seeing your kids sat waiting for a dad who's unreliable. He's responsible for his relationship with his kids not you. I wish you luck, I remember feeling sick with worry over similar troubles.

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