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complete lies about me stopping access and now unreasonable demands for access or he will take me to court.

(22 Posts)
NAR4 Wed 28-Jan-15 19:07:42

My youngest DC are 2 & 4 (well almost, birthdays end of Feb & beginning March). Split from their dad 5 months ago.I have always said and given him as much access as he wants, when he wants, until he became ridiculous and was coming over while I was at work, waking the children up (I work evenings) to play with them. I told him he could no longer come over after 6.30 (bedtime), but can see them any other time. He mmaintains he doesn't finish work until 6.30, even though he is in the same job and used to be home between 5&5.30. He refuses to see them on Saturday because he is "busy on Saturday's", leaving just Sunday. He has decided he can't collect any earlier than 9am and is often up to an hour late, even though he only lives 10 minutes away. I have said the children must be returned by 6.30 for bed. I received a letter from his solicitor today, basically saying I was blocking contact and so he wants a written reply by 12 noon tomorrow agreeing to him having the children every weekend from Friday until Sunday evening, two week stay in summer, one week stay in Easter and Christmas and New year every year, or they he will start court proceedings for full custody. My solicitor is in court until 6th Feb. I have already told him I am going on holiday for the long weekend at Easter, with the children, but given him the school holiday dates an said to let me know if he wants them for an time during the week. The letter says with immediate effect. I feel he is doing this to gain control over me, but have no idea what to do about it. I'm on Income Support and he is basically costing me a fortune in legal fees by doing ridiculous things like this.

VoyageOfDad Wed 28-Jan-15 20:08:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alabastergirl Wed 28-Jan-15 20:10:23

He would normally get alternate weekends - and every Christmas, no flipping chance.

Let him take you to court is my advice.

NAR4 Wed 28-Jan-15 23:28:05

Voyage he would accept the extra time and just leave them with his parents while he went to work still.

He spends the day at his parents house, when he has them on Sunday and between them, they still don't even manage to feed the children a cooked meal. It's often cereal for lunch, then sandwiches, toast or scotch pancakes for tea. That's bad enough one day a week, but completely unsuitable if he had them for a whole weekend. That's a separategripe though. He maintained at Mediation he was busy on Saturday and his landlord doesn't like the children there. So how is that going to work having them for the whole weekend? He isn't so much interested in spending time with them, more stopping me spending time with them.

One more question. Can he stop me moving to anywhere in the country? The letter also, randomly said he had reason to believe I was making plans to move to....Know idea where he got that from because I have no intention of going anywhere. Think it is just him trying to paint a bigger picture of me taking the children away from him.

In reverse my 16 yr old ds lives with him and my ex changed his phone, so I can't phone him, his school and refuses to give me their address. I have had no contact, other than a very abusive message on Facebook, full of lies his father has told him, since they both moved out 5 months ago. The Mediator has told my ex it's unacceptable and my solicitor has asked several times for me to have contact, but he just ignores it. Social services are completely uninterested when I tried to get help of them in getting contact. Arggggh!

Sorry rant over. Thank you ladies.

fattymcfatfat Thu 29-Jan-15 00:01:37

Hi I right in thinking you had another thread on here the other day?iNo advise just to say that your ex is a wanker!

alabastergirl Thu 29-Jan-15 08:21:25

so he stops you seeing your son and now wants to take the other child from you too?

You need a better solicitor I think - and I would be speaking to Women's Aid about the abuse he is subjecting you to.

I have never heard of someone stopping an ex moving btw. Does he really think he has that much control over you?

cestlavielife Thu 29-Jan-15 09:05:13

dont focus on the food issue, it's not a big deal in the scheme of things. them spending day with grandparents will be seen as a good thing too ie wider family.

6.30 is v early for bed so that wont be a good argument going forward.

the older son is old enough that ss and courts wont get involved. you just have to find a way to let your ds know you there for him.

but - it is perfectly reasonable to suggest every other weekend and half holidays.

fattymcfatfat Thu 29-Jan-15 09:09:04

6.30 wont get argued for children so young! My judge thought it was a reasonable time and ruled that ds had to be back by 5 so I coukd implement his routine

HeadDoctor Thu 29-Jan-15 11:26:16

Where the judge in our case accepted exWs plan for contact that means my DSC (both under 6) don't get to bed til 9.30pm on our weekend.

Get legal advice. Unlikely he will get every weekend but EOW and half holidays is generally accepted as okay. Avoid court if you can, it's hideous.

NAR4 Thu 29-Jan-15 23:10:52

I don't want it to go to court because it seems like what the judge decides on is like a role of the dice. The children go to bed at 6.30pm because we leave for the school run at 7am, due to my older son not being at a local school. This was always the case when my ex lived here, so I haven't changed anything.

Also have an issue with the fact I still breastfeed my youngest. All my children were breastfed for an extended amount of time (until they were older than average) and my ds still feeds several times both day and night. For all those that have breastfed, you will understand that it is a comfort thing for my son as much as nutrition. My ex is claiming that he has been able to get him to take cows milk, so it is not an issue to have him for the whole weekend. Realistically I think it would at best be rather cruel to my ds to deny him this comfort and likely it would put an end to the breastfeeding for good. I think a judge would be likely to side with my ex and say due to ds age it is not unreasonable for me to stop breastfeeding. I really don't feel it should be someone elses decision as to how long I can breastfeed my son. My ex lives 10 minutes away, so not staying at his overnight would have a negligable impact on the amount of time he could spend with him.

I also think it is likely the children will spend the weekend (sleeping as well) at ex's parents. Surely that can't be right for them to spend time with them above time with their own mother?

I have never stopped him seeing the children at all, but it is obviously his word against mine.

How much is going to court over this likely to cost? I am on income support and think he is doing this full well knowing I won't be able to afford legal advise for long.

CupidStuntSurvivor Thu 29-Jan-15 23:17:34

If his reasoning for taking the children to his parents' is that his landlord doesn't like children in his place, sole custody won't work.

Just reply to the letter that you've been extremely generous by offering him whichever days he likes providing the children are returned by bedtime and that you have no intention of signing over all major holidays to him. And keep the letter. It could be a useful tool in court to prove his desire for custody is a retaliation to not getting his own way rather than out of concern for the children's welfare.

NAR4 Thu 29-Jan-15 23:26:28

Yes his reasons for taking the children to his parents is that his landlord doesn't like the children at his. In Mediation the Mediator told him that if he was wanting overnight care of the children, he should rent a property that doesn't prevent him from having the children there.

I have not responded to the letter at all. Not even acknowledged reciept of it. It is completely unreasonable to expect me to respond without legal representation anyway and I was not given anywhere near a reasonable amount of time to respond.

On a slightly seperate issue, what on earth would I do with the children while I went to court? My solicitor has offered me an appointment the day she is back, but as of yet I have no idea who I could get to look after the children while I go to that even. All my family live hours away, his family won't acknowledge my existance, let alone be likely to have the children for me and I don't have any friends who know my children well enough (and aren't at work during the day) who haven't got too many children of their own to be able to fit mine and their's in the car for the school run.

balia Sat 31-Jan-15 18:54:14

So - at the moment he has the 16 year old living with him full time (so it is little kids the LL doesn't like?) but he doesn't have the younger ones overnight at all? And he hasn't asked to have them for weekends or overnights at all until this solicitor's letter out of the blue?

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire Sat 31-Jan-15 19:07:47

Is your Ex's solicitors aware you already have instructed your own solicitors? If so, they shouldn't be writing directly to you but to your solicitors. Plus that is too short a time period in which to respond. It's quite a bullying tactic and I'm surprised it was from a solicitor. The courts will look very harshly on solicitors who behave like that.

Secondly, get your solicitor to confirm that you are not looking to move in the near future. It sounds like the ex is going for a prohibited steps order to prevent you from moving - hence the warning letter. A court may grant a prohibited steps on a parent considering a big move away if it would disrupt contact with the NRP.

What was the advice from the mediator? Or their suggestions? If your ex confirmed to the mediator he couldn't take the children due to unsuitable lodgings then it's highly unlikely his application for a CAO for the children to live with him would be successful.

Unfortunately there is little you can do about your 16yo DS. The courts may get involved if there are safeguarding concerns but if not, the courts are likely to deem a 16yo to be able to decide where they live for themselves, it's unlikely they would want to force a person of that age to live somewhere they didn't want to live. Hopefully, once the dust settles your DS will see his father has been manipulating him and you just have to wait for him to see that.

School can tell you where he lives though if you have PR and he's still in full time mainstream education.

KarmaNoMore Sat 31-Jan-15 21:52:09

Ignore the letter. (And smile to yourself thinking in the stupid amount of money he paid for it). His solicitor is not a judge and he and his solicitor know that. They are just trying to scare you.

Feel free to send an email to his solicitor (with copy to yours) as a reply saying that you are open to attend mediation to negotiate a reasonable agreement. But that in the mean time he is welcome to continue seeing his children on (whatever dates/times) as you originally agreed.

NAR4 Sat 31-Jan-15 22:00:52

No previous request for overnight or whole weekend, although he did have my dd overnight once by my request because he kept asking her if she wanted to and then saying she couldn't because I wouldn't let her (completely untrue). He insisted on that occasion he couldn't collect her until 7pm (past her bedtime), because he is busy on Saturdays.

The Mediator said she isn't allowed to give me advice, I have to go to my solicitor for that.

The proposed move would be 90 minutes away and as he only sees the youngest 2 once at the weekend (by his own choice), it wouldn't prevent that. It's just him trying to control me.

I except my son chooses to live with his dad, but would like some contact with him.

The school said they didn't know if they could give me my son's address, so they checked with county hall and got back to me, saying no. Social Services wouldn't help me find out his address, even though I have parental responsibility still and my ex leaves him home alone for a week at a time, while he goes abroad for work. He is a child that is known to the police and also under CAMHs for anger management and his ADHD. They still weren't bothered because it's not illegal to leave him home alone (just silly).

balia Sat 31-Jan-15 23:21:11

The proposed move? I thought you had no intention of going anywhere? confused

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Feb-15 08:21:50

So you are going to move?
90 mins one way will make a huge difference, I say that having an Ex who lives 90 mins away after a move.

NAR4 Sun 01-Feb-15 13:54:48

No, I'm not intending to move anywhere. That was worded badly. What I meant was the move he is saying I am going to make.

What happens if it goes to court? Is it decided that day, or can it take several? How much notice will I get of the court date? Will the judge have any interest in evidence to support the fact that ex has chosen to only see the youngest 2dc once a wk at the weekend, rather than I am preventing him. Would it also be the time to raise the point I currently get no contact with my 16 yr old and my ex hasn't bothered to have any contact with my 14 yr old. In fact my ex's whole family seem to have cut him off and have no contact with him, the same as they are to me. I have even text several family members to try and arrange him seeing them, but no reply. They never pick up the phone if I ring. Text from 14 yr old, to them have also been ignored.

balia Sun 01-Feb-15 15:36:52

Well, you have to go to mediation before court (MIAM), unless they count the mediation you already did - how did that end and was it a specially trained MIAM mediator?

You then get the papers in the post (either from your ex or from the court) and you have to return them. You don't have to do a big statement or put your side or anything, you just fill in the form to say you've got them. You'll get what used to be a directions hearing and is now a conciliation meeting in about 4-6 weeks. You'll be contacted by a CAFCASS officer before the date but that's just a preliminary thing, checking there aren't any risks, not to talk over the case.

The fact that he hasn't had the DC overnight might be a factor, but you'll look silly saying it is because he doesn't want to when he is applying to court to do just that. They will try to help you reach an agreement on the day, with the help of the CO, and the judge might say what he is thinking of doing. Sometimes a judge will make a preliminary order right then (eg in this case for overnights to start) but it is more usual when there isn't agreement to ask for statements and a full Cafcass report.

NAR4 Sun 01-Feb-15 16:40:55

We are still having Mediation and yes it is a MIAM Mediator. We agreed my ex could see them when he wanted, obviously with I reason. He complained then that he wanted to go to court and legally be given set days. The Mediator said it would be pointless going to court as I was giving him free access. Well now he is claiming I am stopping him from seeing the children, I assume he would simply say I hadn't stuck to the agreement made at Mediation. What do I do if after going to court he says I'm not sticking to the court order? How would I prove I was?

balia Sun 01-Feb-15 18:19:11

This mediator gave an awful lot of advice, for someone who said she wasn't allowed to give advice!

In order to make an application to the court, the mediator would have to fill in a form saying that the mediation had failed. His sol must know this.

Contact is generally organised around set days for the benefit of the DC, so they know contact will be regular. If mediation is on going, I suggest that you raise the solicitor's letter and start talking about overnights and weekends. Much better to sort it out between you than go through the whole court process.

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