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Advice for a guy living with a woman with two Children

(78 Posts)
creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:01:56

I moved in with a woman two months ago who has two children aged 6 and 7. We seem to be arguing a lot recently with regards her expectations on what my financial responsibility is and I just need some advice on whether I am in the wrong or right.

To give some background, I have a son aged 15 (16 in May) who lives a long distance away so I don't see him often. I earn a significant amount more than my new partner - she had a messy Divorce from a wealthy husband. I get the feeling she is used to a man paying for a lot of things like holidays.

Our latest disagreement came in discussions on a holiday in that I offered to pay for me and her, but I feel she should pay for her own Children. I have no problem paying for meals out for the four of us etc and buying shopping - But I feel that a two grand expense for her Children on a holiday is not fair. And in fact such money should be spent on my own Son as I save up for his Uni fees in a few years.

Does anyone have any similar experiences. Am I being unfair?

OP’s posts: |
cestlavielife Mon 12-Jan-15 14:11:03

depends how much you earn how much she earns; whether two grand is a lot or a little to you etc. how much maintenance does she get from wealthy husband.... two grand a month or two hundred?
too many variables...but you should have sat down and agreed these things before moving in ....

time to do it now write down all possible expenses over next year present s xmas holidays bills cars travel food utilities mortgage etcetc and discuss who will pay what...

Waitingonasunnyday Mon 12-Jan-15 14:14:47

You're not 'living with a woman with two children' - you're living with a woman AND two children.

You live together, you're a family, you do what your family budget allows.

I knew a man who paid to carpet the flat he was moving into with his girlfriend, except for the children's room 'because they weren't his'. Funnily enough they split up before the carpet fitter even arrived.

expatinscotland Mon 12-Jan-15 14:15:03

You two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about finances together and make some decisions about what you agree is fair. It sounds like some miscommunications and crossed wires that should have been worked out before you moved in but that is water under the bridge now.

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:21:57

Thanks guys that's really helpful - I don't know how much maintenance she gets - he pays 4 months at a time in a lump sum... I earn about three times as much as her in a higher tax bracket.

I'm new at this whole thing and have lived by myself for 10 years and now find myself in this situation.

So yes hand holding and advice is needed.

OP’s posts: |
isitsnowingyet Mon 12-Jan-15 14:22:58

I knew a man who paid to carpet the flat he was moving into with his girlfriend, except for the children's room 'because they weren't his'. Funnily enough they split up before the carpet fitter even arrived.

Good point.

Yes, you do sound a bit selfish. P'haps go on a cheaper holiday?

tickertyboo Mon 12-Jan-15 14:25:44

It seems to me that all you are concerned about is money. Have you considered how her children are feeling in all of this?

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:26:30

She won't go on a cheaper holiday. She wants the house painted in Farrow and Ball, sofas from Laura Ashley - she is used to a certain standard of things and she won't settle for a cheaper holiday.

OP’s posts: |
EdSheeransGString Mon 12-Jan-15 14:28:01

If she won't settle for anything less, that's her problem not yours and I wouldn't want to live with someone so high maintenance.

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:28:02

Her Children are very spoilt to be honest - she overspent at Christmas on them as far as I am concerned - their father takes them away to Italy for two weeks every year and he owns a cottage in the Lakes. When I met they they had shocking manners, and even their Uncle agrees they are very spoilt.

OP’s posts: |
ElectraCute Mon 12-Jan-15 14:32:02

You've 'found yourself in this situation'? Really? You knew she had children when you moved in with them, right?

I live with my DP and my son. DP is not my ds's father. However, whilst I don't expect dp to contribute to eg: ds's school uniform etc, if he ever suggested that he would expect me to pay more for a FAMILY holiday because he's not ds's biological father, I'd be reassessing our relationship pretty damn fast.

NickiFury Mon 12-Jan-15 14:33:08

You didn't "find yourself in this situation" at all. You knowingly moved in with a woman with two dc and you have a child of your own so you know what children in a family entails.

I don't think it should be I will pay for myself and you pay for you and your own children, it would really put me off a man who took that line and I don't think we would last very long. All three children of the relationships should be considered equally now, so yes helping your ds out with his uni fees should certainly be a consideration when budgeting as a family as should whether you as a couple can afford to take the two younger children on holiday.

Viviennemary Mon 12-Jan-15 14:33:24

If you feel the way you do then there really isn't a lot of hope for the relationship. It does depend on how much money is coming into the house. But it sounds like she has champagne tastes without the money to back it up. It's your decision whether you want to go along with this or not. I wouldn't like the financial pressure so early on in the relationship.

ElectraCute Mon 12-Jan-15 14:34:00

Her Children are very spoilt to be honest - she overspent at Christmas on them as far as I am concerned

Oh, the more you post the more of a peach you sound.

Does she know how much you dislike her children?

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:34:27

What I'm trying to understand ElectraCute is that I'm happy to pay for her but should I be expected to pay for her Children when I have a 15 year old of my own who is on the cusp of going to University.

OP’s posts: |
Isindethickofit Mon 12-Jan-15 14:35:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury Mon 12-Jan-15 14:35:13

Dear me, having just read your updates, I beg you to move out pronto! You don't sound like you like her children at all and have no respect for her parenting. You need to tell her all this because I would want to know this if it were my children you were talking about so I could get rid of you immediately.

Ragwort Mon 12-Jan-15 14:35:40

As others have said, all this should have been discussed and agreed before moving in together.

What you need to do is have a thorough and honest discussion about finance, what her expectations are and what your's are. If you can't do that - why on earth have you moved in with her? confused.

Is she assuming you are now the childrens' 'step father'?

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:36:25

I like her kids ElectraCute I just have a different and more cautious approach when it comes to money... I treat her to meals out all the time, bought her a two grand wood burner, paid for all the paint for the house, took her for a weekend away to Amsterdam... I've no problem paying for her things - it's the children thing considering I have a child as well.

OP’s posts: |
ElectraCute Mon 12-Jan-15 14:38:48

What did you expect would happen when you moved in with a woman and her two children?

HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 12-Jan-15 14:39:32

You keep saying "Her children". You don't like them, or even see them as part of your family. Get out, it's not going to work.

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:40:09

Basically, shouldn't the money she is asking me to spend on her kids be set aside firstly for my child... shouldn't my child come first... considering in 5 years time he'll be 30k+ in debt following Uni

OP’s posts: |
HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 12-Jan-15 14:40:21

After your last post, I will amend mine.

Get out, before she kicks you out. Dick.

creativeinmanchester Mon 12-Jan-15 14:41:47

No I don't see them as part of my family that is right - they are not my daughters. I don't mind taking them out for meals and paying etc and taking them to school and helping with homework - but yes maybe I do have a problem with spending large amounts of money on them

OP’s posts: |
SunnyBaudelaire Mon 12-Jan-15 14:42:31

but creative you must have known what she was like before you moved in, regarding 'posh' paint, sofas, etc.
and to be honest you should not move in on a woman with children unless you are prepared to step up and be a ....stepfather. This means paying for stuff for the family, not just her, as you would if they were yours.
If you are not willing to do that, then you should move out.
And your son is not 'on the cusp' of going to uni, he doesn't even have his GCSEs yet.

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