He want to legalise contact

[Avagracesmum262]

I left due to violence during my second pregnancy he still had contact with my daughter but became violent beating me till my waters went causing an infection and the baby dying.

Any way long story short. Two years later he wants to legalise the contact he's got, Friday -sat week 1 and Friday- Sunday week 2

My question is.

If this is legalised I don't want him to have Christmas Day with her, probably selfishly as Im alone and her dad has another baby ect, I'm naturally extremely upset he gets to have what I wanted and he took from me!!

I also don't want him to have birthdays with her ( her birthdays the same day as mine, tho am happy for him to have her day after if weekend & Boxing Day

If contact is legalised naturally I'll push for these days to be with me but he'll be fighting the opposite battle, how does this normally pan out ??

And what's the normal amount of contact time for sperm donors to have as I can then minimise this with no fuss or violent outburst from him

[balia]

What do you think he means be 'legalise'? If he has this contact already and isn't asking for anything different, then the 'no order' principle should come into play; that is a court should only make an order if it is necessary for the wellbeing of the child. An order isn't needed in this situation and his sol should tell him so.

[afreshstartplease]

This man beat you
Why is he getting any contact that isn't supervised

[Starlightbright1]

what is he asking for he isn't getting now? Is he talking about taking it to court because mediation is the next step before that or this a smiple bluff to get his own way..

How old is DC ? As dependant upon birthday they will be in school half the time in a few years

Due to DV you may be entitled to legal aid

[Avagracesmum262]

I mean legalise as in get the contact he has put through the courts so we can't change it around... Which it isn't changed,

LO is 4, starts school this coming September.

It's not supervised because there's no contact center where I live. And obv the dilemma is if I don't send her I could face fines or prison ??

[afreshstartplease]

But it's not already been through court?

[Viviennemary]

Could you find out exactly what he wants. Perhaps he doesn't even want a change of arrangements but just to put it on a formal footing. It would have to be negotiated I would think. He can't just say I want this and this and this and you have to agree. And why has he decided to do this now. You certainly need legal advice.

[Avagracesmum262]

Yeah he wants to legalise what's already in place, but I think that's so for example Xmas falls on a Saturday he's supposed to have her he can use that to get her hence my asking if I can put in to have her those days.

And is mediation a must because naturally after what he's done there's no way I want to "talk" about what he wants!

[balia]

If there is no court order at the moment you certainly do not face fines or prison if you stop contact. Is that something he told you to make you agree to it? Is he a risk to her? Has he ever hit her or been physical with her?

Courts don't 'rubber stamp' arrangements that are already in place, they've got better things to do, he's talking rubbish.

[MadameLeBean]

He beat you while you were pregnant? Court should not allow any contact! Is that on record?

[Avagracesmum262]

Nothing is on record as the infection caused me to become very ill fast, was abit similar to tommies story on eastenders but at 27weeks pregnant, and without the bleed on brain I had on lungs and was in an induced coma for a while and first priority was the poorly baby and not filing police reports.

He was suspected of sexual abuse to my little girl but due to hospital taking 2+weeks to examine her the redness and soreness on her had gone. Social services then deemed him as safe to have LO back in contact with him.

I know nothing about legal prosses so I'm confused and just want to do what's best for her, I truly believe it's to never see the waste of skin again, but I'll be in the wrong

I didn't think courts would bother as when social had breif involvement they said for us to try resolve it without their involvement, plus I work full time and time off is no option so could do without the hassle

[afreshstartplease]

Why the fuck are you not kicking and screaming about him having any access and instead just worrying about bloody Christmas

[Avagracesmum262]

Because there is no police records of the violence and the courts ignore previous domestic abuse and do a clean slate for the child so if I go in all guns blazing I look like I'm trying to be difficult, when I did try stop contact when the sexual abuse thing came to light social services said if I stop him from having contact, they can put her in full custody to him, due to the complete bullshit he made up saying I'm difficult to talk to and don't respond

All texts/emails ect have been stored to say other wise.

[afreshstartplease]

I just think Christmas day should be your last concern when you suspect the man of abuse

[Eastpoint]

I've reported your post at 21:27 as it reveals dc's name.

[RandomMess]

When she starts school how is him having contact every weekend going to impact on your time together? A more usual patter is EOW and one evening/night during the week. I would be reluctant to have fixed contact with such a major change about to happen in her life.

Also what about school holidays - are you going to let him half of the school holidays (again a common pattern) and how will that impact on him having her every weekend. Is contact with him going to prevent her ever attending parties/classes on a Saturday???

Lots of things for you to think about as what is working now may not be appropriate once she is at school.

Nightmare that he's been given unsupervised contact with the history!

[Avagracesmum262]

It's been logged but been put as inconclusive, I think they took one look at this 6ft geeky looking glasses wearing person whos thinner than a rake and thought I was probably lying.

Only time I did report it was when he was drunk and smashed a window I flagged down the police as he only smashed the window because I moved as he tried to put my head through it, the police wouldn't take what I was seriously, think they try and avoid "drunken domestics" tho I don't drink ... So with nothing logged it's just a he said she said.

I had thought about moving away while nothing is through courts, then he can't see her regulally

[Avagracesmum262]

She's not in full time nursery I'm a full time teacher so time is very limited as it is, so EOW works better and she's want to enrol in horse riding and going to his all the time doesn't help.

Non term time would be mine as if he puts in for his "Friday-sat / friday-sun" he wouldn't be getting a week with her!!

Is EOW the norm for sperm donors

Contact center would be better but it's a 50mile drive to our nearest working one but social services don't see him as a threat. Tho she remembers him hurting me and worries about him coming to the house and hurting me

[afreshstartplease]

Tbh I just think if I had genuine concerns my attitude wouldn't be there's no evidence

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I know you are angry and I would be in your situation, but if this could potentially end up in mediation or court you need to stop referring him as a sperm donor. Using this term makes it look like ( I am not saying you are) using your DC as a weapon to punish him with.
You need to separate your anger with him at what he did to you and what is best for your child. If you have concerns for your child's safety then restrict contact, but remember the vast majority of children still have contact even if it is supervised.

[Avagracesmum262]

I don't refer to him as that in situations where could potential make me look bad, I don't want to stop contact I just want him to not keep getting his own way and Laying down the rules and manipulating me into doing as he says

[balia]

I think you need to be clear what your position is. Either he is a dangerous, violent child abuser that you would never let your child go near, or he is someone that you had a dysfunctional relationship (and are still, clearly, very angry with and hurt by) with but who you facilitate contact with, you just don't want it to get in the way of Christmas and horse riding.

As you have been voluntarily allowing him to have contact for 2 years, the former position will be difficult to convince a court of. If he goes to court, he will have to mediate first - perhaps that would be helpful? If he literally wishes to 'rubber stamp' the existing contact and you are agreeing to it, there is no need for an order. If however, he wants to extend contact (eg for holidays etc) or he can prove that the contact is threatened/irregular in some way, it is likely that an order would be made. This would include provision for holiday contact (with a fair division of 'special' times christmas/birthdays etc) and there would need to be a good reason to change the weekend pattern that has been in place for 2 years. If I were you I would argue that DD should have a full weekend with each parent, not just him.

I also think it would be very helpful to you and DD to try to stop thinking in terms like 'sperm donor', 'term time would be mine' and 'fighting battles'. If you think of it as a war, it is much more likely to become one.

[Starlightbright1]

To be honest I would avoid the court thing..Will he get DC if it ends up on Saturday or Sunday of his weekend yes...but most courts would order alternative Christmas anyway so you will be a lot better off the way you are.

[cestlavielife]

He sees her every week including overnights so on paper you have no concerns with the contact.
Therefore it seems unfair to suggest he can't haver her alternative Xmas and birthdays.

Whatever happeneded in the past you have established a pattern of weekly contact which apparently us hon g very well. and you don't give any evidence of it being harmful. So you can't stop him taking it to court and you will look bad and obstructive if you say no Christmas ever etc.

Have you said to him no Xmas ? Is that why he is saying court ?

[Avagracesmum262]

He wants to legalise

Week 1 - Friday - Sunday
Week 2- Friday - Saturday

Resulting in me only seeing her 2 Sunday's a month due to full time school.

Iv said no to this and said

Every other weekend - Friday - sun
Every Wednesday for tea - as his mum has her while I work.
Every Boxing Day +2 days - as this is how it been for past 4 years he's kicking off now he's got a new baby.
1 full week - non term time
Her birthday during day - unless school day
Every Father's Day - in retern I have Mother's Day.
Then sort something out over easter as bank holidays

I think this is fair on us both, as she's in full time education I'm not being difficult and that's far more than courts would give to a dad.

Iv put this offer on table to him and had no reply...

[balia]

that's far more than courts would give to a dad.
Not quite sure where you have got that idea from; EOW plus a midweek tea, half the holidays plus alternate Christmas would be a fairly standard.

But your point about her not getting to spend a fair amount of the non-school days with you is perfectly valid. However, for a 4 year old to go from spending every weekend (or at least part of it) at daddy's to fortnightly contact is a big jump - what about a 4 week cycle with you each getting a full weekend Fri-Sun, and then 2 part weekends with one night each? I really do think you could reconsider mediation - it really looks as though it could be helpful to resolve the issue without going to court.