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First boyf post separation - finding it tough!

(5 Posts)
Handywoman Wed 07-Jan-15 22:47:53

Hi all. Left my crappy EA stbxh-of-14yrs in June 2013. There was no love by the time I kicked him out - but there has been plenty of hurt from his continued entitled and crappy behaviour and a total lack of closure (he simply sloped off - toaster) and is little more than an EOW babysitter for my dc.

I am in counselling, I have come a long way!

In August this year I met a wonderful man who treats me very well and really sees the real 'me'. We have become close, has progressed quite quickly, he is also divorced and has a dd similar in age to my youngest. The dc have met on a couple of occasions.

He is very keen on me and would move in go the whole hog - marriage the lot. I have told him I feel very very cautious about this relationship because my ex and I got together in a whirlwind romance and married very quickly. He has been very respectful of that. When he has suggested inviting my dc over I have totally freaked, however, really freaked!!!!!

I think I am realising that I do not want to be in a blended family (he is a fantastic dad which my ex never was, but his different parenting style raises my hackles a bit!).

This has made me feel very down about my future - that I will never be in a supportive full time partner relationship, that I had my chance at family life and that's it for me now.

I think I am on the brink of re-thinking this relationship as I don't know if he'll be happy to settle for a non-blended situation long term (though I don't know for sure) - he is always so keen to help me out and be functional - he is a 'doer' - again the total opposite to my ex.

I feel on the brink of ending another relationship. It makes me feel a particularly sad kind of sadness after all I've been through (and continue to deal with) and carrying the sole responsibility for ending my marriage and raising my kids.

Is this a rebound relationship that I 'needed to get out of my system'??

Anyone else understand how sad the prospect is of another failed relationship is after escaping a long term marriage with a crappy ea man?????

Or is there just anyone out there with a hand hold????

sad

Handywoman Wed 07-Jan-15 22:49:36

Toaster(!)=tosser

AmyElliotDunne Wed 07-Jan-15 23:11:11

Hi, I was in a similar situation to you. I did jump into a blended family situation quite quickly and it hasn't been easy so you're right to be hesitant.

It's still early days for you, so try to enjoy the time with just you and new BF, it's not a negative that you don't want to get too involved straight away.

If you're anything like me, you've been a wife and mum for so long that you just want something for you now, a relationship that's about fun and love, not parenting and compromise!

Talk to your man about how you feel, you might find that he hasn't really considered the alternatives to a full-on blended family.

As it turns out, my dp and I have taken a bit of a step back with the family stuff for now, after 2 years we are happier than ever, enjoying our couple time. We spent some time all together over Xmas, but mainly it's either him and me together or him at my house (my DCs love him to bits and he's happy to spend time with them when his DCs are at their mum's) but that is so much more straightforward than all of us together and there's no way I could have him and his DCs living here for now.

It may be that this is a transitional relationship, it may be a long term thing that stays in two separate houses, or you may come to an agreement further down the line about bringing two families together, but take it one step at a time and most importantly TALK!

Handywoman Wed 07-Jan-15 23:21:16

AH thanks Amy what a lovely post. thank you.

onionlove Thu 08-Jan-15 19:13:24

Amy you have summarised it really well I would feel exactly the same I know that I didn't really enjoy being a step parent mainly down to my ex's weird ways but I would be hesitant and just wanna take it easy and retain some independence x

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