Awkward ex and our baby

[newmummy470]

Please help. I'm looking for some quick advice!
My daughter is 10 months old and I split from my husband when she was 3 months old because I found out he's previously slept with a few women behind my back. He's been handling the breakup badly, by basically acting an idiot with me, to the brink of mental abuse at one point although this has stopped.
I allow him regular access. He works shifts, 6 work days then 4 off. he has her on two of his rest days which includes an overnight stay and before one of his first day shifts, so he has her from 10am to about 4pm.
My problem is he does not tell my anything about our DD, I don't mean what they've done together, where they've been, it's more has she had any tea, so I know whether or not to give her any food. when was her last bottle. I've tried a handover book which he won't complete, he won't email me or text me to tell me. he won't even let his mum tell me now (he moved back in with his mum)
what do I do, I need to know this whilst she is so young.
I also asked him what routine he does with her now I.e milk oz, food, naps just so we're both doing something similar and so I can tell the nursery when she starts in February, but again he won't tell me.
I'm at my wits end.
then today he emails me saying 'I dont want to talk to you at all but how is Eva today' so I've just replied to say, we'll talk at mediation, which is on the 16th and he comes back with 'haha you spiteful bitch' he turns everything onto me. but he cant not tell me important information then just expect to ask me whatever he wants whenever, which he has in the past and I (whether wrongly or rightly) usually have replied to.

I don't really want to stop access but this Is now ridiculous, surely I can't just let it continue.

I started back at work last week after maternity leave, so on some days he has to fetch Eva at 7am. so now he's saying, 'I'm not her child minder' but what else am I suppose to do when I have to get to work for 8am.

I just don't know what to think. He's driving me mad.

[Starlightbright1]

I would ignore his response.He has screwed up and is looking for a way to throw it in your face.

I am not really sure what to advise in terms of how to make him act like a grown up other than put it in terms of for your daughters benefit

[Avagracesmum262]

Me and my dribble on an ex pass a book between us, I write her routine here and he does the same. Tho my LO is 4 she has medical disabilties so I like to know what's she's done in case it triggers a reaction.

Maybe put this forward at mediation .?

[newmummy470]

Thanks. I did try that once but he just threw it on the floor outside in the pouring rain. He really is a joke!
I'm going to suggest it again though.
I'm hoping the mediator might make him see sense : (

[ivykaty44]

No he's not a childnminder he is her father and that means he doesn't get to clock on and off like a childminders he is a father 24/7 for the rest of his life.

I would just tell him that not telling you things would back fire if you choose to do the same and he misses out on good or bad parts of her life due to you not passing on what's happening g.

You have my sympathies I had the same sort of issues with dd2 and her father. It does get easier. I wouldn't eben know at nursery which clothes were hers as he didn't tell me. He would keep her up late never thinking it would effect his child....

[777emm]

my ex is the same but when my son was abt 6months old his dad walked out aft an argument n left us he never contacted to see how he was n stupidly i called him and said how can u not call and ask how yr son is for nearly 2 months he said well i did want to but... so i said come and see him then since then my son being 7...8 in 3 months time his dad has been in and out of his life as a toddler it was hard for my son sometimes he use to run back up the path to me crying and his dad would shout at me blaming me.... i wish i had been stronger back then and not called him and when he came to the door shouting his mouth off i told him to sling his hook.... at the age of 6 my son noticed things a lot more like saying he was going to pick him up then didnt... remembering he said the same thing last time abt picking him up, making him promises he didnt foresee. that is until mid last year whn his dad had meet a new gf who had a son of my sons age herself his dad started to call him more frequently but my son isnt really interested and he chooses to stay at home most weekends whn he tells his dad "no" hes dad just puts the phone down on him but my son dont react i suppose he thinks it went lightly for him but as an adult you think how childish for an adult/dad to put the phone down like that... What im trying to say is if you can do this, do it... tell him you can only see her on my terms and my terms only you tell him write down her meal times and naps if you dont you dont see her tell him to man up trying to hold a grudge on you we have a baby together we are her main carers we are meant to work together as a team for our baby regardless of our resentment we have towards each other..... i wish id of said the same to my sons dad instead i went through years off shit..

[newmummy470]

thanku 777 that's good advice. I know I should do that. sometimes he makes me feel I have no right to tell him when to see dd, he'll say things like you don't dictate when I see her, or moans about the days I suggest. yet he never comes up with alternative dates or suggestions. he just causes issue after issue.
and if I dont decide access days who does!! i don't think he likes that I'm effectively in control, unless he takes me to court, which is highly unlikely coz he won't pay for it. and a court would see I'm offering reasonable access. Sometimes I just need to hear someone else unconnected tell me. because he manages to make me feel bad. n I know I shouldn't.
God what is wrong with these men!!!!! its his fault I kicked him out to, u think he'd try n make things easy for me.

[Nolim]

Bring it up in mediation. He is too busy beeing a drama queen to listen to you obviously.

[777emm]

my ex is the same and yr ex will be to as long as u will let him its hard i know the problem i had is i still loved him at the time and the argument we had was minimal cuz of this we got back together then it started again arguing over anything he could think cuz my son was getting older he was in and out his life when he was there he was arguing with me this went on for yrs all cuz i still loved him and wanted to make it work but it wasnt going to happen so 1 one morning i packed his bag ex style n told him to sling his hook it had to be sharp crazy women mode so he knew id had enough... you need to be in Bitch mode sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me :) You are in charge dont let any1 make you think otherwise she lives with you. whn he calls say this is the day u can have her if he says no say do u want to see yr d or not.... then pick her up this day... since we split i meet my partner who i am still with and whn his dad found out this he started picking jamie up the wknd but it all went sour aft a while until he meet his gf last yr we split in 2010 after having our son in 2007 n i still have trouble now so for your sake and yr d be the Bitch let him kno whos THE BOSS my son is older now so he makes the rules whether we like it or not

[Honeybadger83]

I would bring up that letting you know something as simple as whether or not your daughter has eaten would be part of his parental responsibilities, and he is not fulfilling them, then he is not fit to be looking after her.
As her father he obviously has the right to see her, but as you are the one with parental responsibility, if he is neglecting her, or you suspect he might be, or if he gives you no reason to suspect that he isn't, it's your responsibility to make sure that she's okay.
That's how I would approach it in Mediation anyway, just highlighting that responsibility doesn't end with genetics. He has obligations to you as well.

[newmummy470]

been to mediation and oh what a surprise he now agrees to a handover book and came out with some sorry excuse that he was confused over whether he should feed Eva or not coz her tea time is the same time he drives her home. He's the world's best charmer and manipulatior. I cant tell you how much I hate this man.

Anyway the mediator also said that a judge may see one overnight stay in 10 days too little and I should consider an extra overnight stay. now I feel completely pressured to allow another night, when I know full well he only wants this to make his life easier (it means he can collect Eva on way back home from work so saves on petrol, which he's always going on about) I said no at mediation and she was asking why.
I just said because she's so young, it won't give him any more quality time and the fact he's lucky he sees her at all considering 5 months ago he tried to kill himself.
we go to mediation again on the 13th Feb, I don't want to agree to this. I never mentioned to her that he has basically mentally abused me since we split up as well coz I feel they won't be interested and say that's nothing to do with your Daughter.
what do I say, what good reasons can I give that a judge would listen to. I hate that someone can decide this without knowing our family at all and that my ex is nothing but a bully, a corrupt policeman, a manipulatior and a selfish horrible man.
I'm so upset and stressed

[3xcookedchips]

Other than the fact your daughter deserves a relationship with her father, why are you opposed to increasing the time ever so slightly. The school of thought with a child of her age is little and often - has he actually proposed a schedule.

What the judge is going to see is two people at war with each other and his primary concern is the welfare of your daughter and that she has a relatiionship with both parents - how often that is, is in the lap of the Gods...

Yes, he's a tit and there are ways to keep comms to a minimum and void any abuse from him.

You might want to lose the term 'allow', should you end up in court - it infers ownership.

[newmummy470]

He already sees her for two full days, which are his days off, this is from 7am to 6pm and includes overnight. then his other day is 7am til about 4pm. He starts work at 5pm on his afternoon shift that day. (Apart from if his days fall on a weekend then he has her from 10am) He wants to pick her up at 3pm after his day shift, have her overnight and then have her as normal on his afternoon shift.
Yes it is a slight increase but I do have a number of reasons why:

1. There's no guarantee he can finish work at 3pm. He works in the police.
   
2. Some days that would mean fetching her from my mum and dad's. He has a bullish, intimidating and threatening manner, which I don't think is fair on my parents to be involved in. Especially considering my dad is currently have chemo for cancer.
   
3. I agree that our dd has the right to see her dad, which I have always allowed but she is only 10 months old and at this age one overnight on his days off is enough (that works out at 3 overnights a month)
   
4. He doesn't communicate with me about her routine which at this young age is important
   
5. It would reduce my quality time with her on the days I'm not at work. I also have a right for quality time with our dd
   
6. I believe this to be fair and reasonable access
   
   Where do you draw the line. He'll always push for more and more.
   
   Despite all this man has done I have always considered our dds rights. Its amazing how he wasn't bothered about spending time with her when we were together and now suddenly he's the doting dad.
   
   Has anyone had experience of court decisions?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

3 overnights a month is quite a usual arrangement.

[newmummy470]

That's what I thought but the mediator gave me a different impression. Going to see my solicitors to see what they say

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Mediation is not about the mediator issuing orders or arrangements they are about exploring options that is all.

Doing a quick off the top of my head none scientific think about it approx 90% of my clients have a either EOW. EOW+1 weekday either overnight or not or One WE a month.

About 1% have 50:50 the rest have either no contact at all or no overnight contact.

Mediators like all humans like to put there own slant on things.

If you read here you could get the impression 50:50 is the norm, if you read other sites you could think its no contact ever and all RP's are parental alienators.the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

[3xcookedchips]

It's an arrangement.

[newmummy470]

Thanks needsasockamnesty. You're right, the internet just confuses you even more.
You've explained it well. I'm definitely not being unreasonable with the access I've offered.
I'll see what my solicitors say.