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ex not happy with my childcare

(25 Posts)
NAR4 Sun 04-Jan-15 21:21:30

Background info; I work 10mins from home, 3hrs, 3 days a wk in the evenings. When I was still with my ex, he used to care for the children while I was at work. When we split he offered to still do this but he now keeps them up late to play with them, has also woken them up to play when they have been asleep before he arrives. He is rude to me and removes anything he wants from the house while I'm out. He has also complained lots about the massive favour he is doing me.

I have told him I have sorted something else out now, so he doesn't need to come over. He wanted to know who was babysitting (they are his children too), so I told him. My older son (15 in March) is babysitting my little 2, (who are 2 in Feb and 4 in March), with my neighbour (who knows me and my children well) 'on call' if he needs any help. The little children are in bed when I leave, but sometimes haven't fallen asleep.

My ex says this is unacceptable and I need to make other arrangements. How much of a say does he have in this legally. He has been VERY difficult about everything he can since we split and isn't willing to pay anything towards childcare costs

fedupbutfine Sun 04-Jan-15 22:29:34

He has no say in it whatsoever. If you believe your 15 year old is capable and your neighbour will always be available and is responsible and willing to help you, then it's up to you. Ignore him.

RandomMess Sun 04-Jan-15 22:33:32

The only difficulty you have is that an under 16 year old will not be held accountable if anything happens to the dc in their care - you will. For such frequent and regular childcare I think your Ex has a point that SS/Cafcass would possibly support.

He is being a dick on purpose - can you stop engaging with your ex so much? You should communicate with your ex by email only type of thing so you can ignore him etc.

3xcookedchips Sun 04-Jan-15 22:57:09

While they are in your care, it is up to you who you delegate childcare to. Ideally, that would be dad if things were amicable etc, because the kids are seeing dad, otherwise if he is being unreasonable at your discretion.

Similarly if the situations were reversed you couldn't dictate to him.

Is this the only time he sees them?

newyear15 Sun 04-Jan-15 23:02:26

and stop letting him into your house - and if he steals stuff report to the police.

cestlavielife Mon 05-Jan-15 11:59:37

he cant say what happens in your house.

and you dont have to let him in your house.

you could ring nspcc for advice about your sons age and whether it might be considered a risk. however you know how responsible he is or isnt.

most times there wont be an issue but what if there was a fire (eg in neighboring house, not saying yours will go on fire) and he had to evacuate house with the younger ones? does he know evacuation plan, what to do etc? do you always have an emergency bag packed with kids spare clothes snacks etc? mobile always charged and spare cash?

NAR4 Mon 05-Jan-15 23:00:36

Thank you everyone.

My ex also sees the children on Sundays and could see them on Saturday if he wanted (but he doesn't).

Yes to emergency bag, hung in porch. He also has a list of numbers he can phone for someone to come over, including my neighbour and several close friends in the village. My son did a few dry runs for practice with me at the neighbours for an hour before having little 2 while I go to work.

I checked the age thing and it is basically at the parents discretion, but parent is held responsable if the babysitter is under 16.

My own solicitor has told me I can't refuse ex entrance to the house because his name is still on the mortgage and title deeds. He has been written to by my solicitor saying he must not remove things from the house, but he just denies he has. He takes things such as tomorrows evening meal, I prepared in advance, the milk, children's toys, books and clothing and the hard drive out of my computer. It is clearly done just to make my life difficult.

Sorry, rant over.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 05-Jan-15 23:10:13

What time do you arrive home OP? Is it early enough for your sons bedtime.
My only concern would be if children weren't settling and it was interfering with his downtime or homework.
It is a huge responsibility for one so young.

RandomMess Mon 05-Jan-15 23:10:34

Time to lose your keys wink

anothernumberone Mon 05-Jan-15 23:17:23

I personally don't think it is necessary for you to get your 15 year old child to mind his siblings with this level of regularity when their father is available to do it. He presumably has homework, after school activities and at 15 the level of maturity could go either way. Can ex not watch them in his own house and deal with the consequence of ratty kids in the morning?

NAR4 Mon 05-Jan-15 23:22:29

I get home between 9.30 and 10pm, so just before he goes to bed. Little 2 are asleep most of the time I'm at work though, sometimes all of the time, if they fall asleep before I leave.

In the October half term I stayed with family for a few days, locking the front door from the inside and exiting through the back door( which ex doesn't have a key to).He smashed the back door window (which isn't double glazed), and climbed in, so he could 'collect some of his belongings'. The police weren't interested as it is still legally his property too and I was left having to arrange and pay for the window to be replaced. My solicitor wrote to ask him basically to stop the behaviour, pointing out how unsettling it is for the children, but he just ignored it.

ironwill Mon 05-Jan-15 23:29:20

Aw NAR I don't have anything practical to add, just that Im sorry you have this total fucking shit in your life. Taking the kids' toys and evening meal for the next day. hmm Nasty bastard. And smashing a window. sad

dazedandconfusedagain Tue 06-Jan-15 00:05:19

Just because his name is on the deeds doesn't mean he can come and go as he pleases and behave how he likes in your HOME. If he doesn't live there and you do he has no right to come and go. If you lost your keys (NUDGE!) you'd have to change all the locks!

What time do you leave for work? Your 15 year old must get lots of homework- will he have time to still do this and have some free relaxing evening time as well as babysitting. I can see why your ex isn't happy with it, I wouldn't be either due to his age and well generally it wouldn't sit right with me, but ultimately it's your choice and not his so he needs to wind his neck in.

I'd say it's more likely that he's just upset/annoyed you've stopped him coming over those 3 nights a week. If he's keeping the kids up to play then he obviously enjoys those evenings with them. Does he have an alternative proposal? Could the kids go to his for dinner and to sleep the week nights that you work? No stress or pressure for your son 3 nights a week and your ex and little ones don't have to stop seeing each other during the week.

cestlavielife Tue 06-Jan-15 12:36:42

you could get a sole occupation order which would mean ex cant come in as he pleases. you could get a specific non molestation order or something.

what is the deal with the house and who is paying for it? what will happen in future?

why cant the kids go to his the nights you work?
sleep over as was said let him get them to nursery next day?

petalsandstars Tue 06-Jan-15 12:51:27

If he repeatedly takes things report it as theft to police every time. They'll get sick of it and maybe he will get fed up of constantly being interviewed and will stop. Even if you feel like it's not worth it. Cause him some hassle too.

NAR4 Wed 07-Jan-15 08:32:49

Youngest can't sleep at ex's yet as he's still breastfed and ex has said both children or nothing.

I pay for the mortgage etc for the house and ex proposed I can have the house if he has all the savings that were to pay the mortgage off at the end (it's interest only)and I don't have any of his pension. After him offering it at Mediation, I said I would need his pension details first and he had a tantrum and withdrew the offer. He has been 'too busy' since to attend Mediation again and will only discuss sorting anything out there.

My son only has to spend from no time (sometimes little ones are asleep before I leave) to up to an hour, sitting with little ones while they fall asleep. I'm only out the house for 3 hours.

Will look at sole occupation order before changing locks. Solicitor said if I change the locks, he still has a right to a key, if he requests one, which I have no doubt he would.

Thank you for all the ideas and advice everyone.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 07-Jan-15 08:39:00

OP have you considered selling up?

I think it is a totally fine arrangement for your 15yo to mind the dcs for three evenings per week provided they are already in bed when you leave. It really is just a case of listening out for them while he gets on with homework/tv etc. and 15 is a suitable babysitting age, as long as you think he is mature enough.

I would consider this a large contribution to the running of the family home, in place of chores, as it is quite tying, but if he is happy to do it then fine.

mineallmine Wed 07-Jan-15 08:39:46

I just came on here to say he sounds like a total prick. It must be so stressful having to deal with him.

My 14 year old regularly babysits for his 4 year old sister and it wouldn't occur to me that there was anything wrong with it. We're never too far away but he's well capable.

NAR4 Wed 07-Jan-15 08:59:15

I pay my son £5 a night for babysitting, as I feel he should get something from it. He does also have horse riding lessons every week, which he appreciates are expensive.

Email about getting a sole occupation order now sent to solicitor.

I would like my ex to see the children as much as possible, but he always insists it is here, after the children's bedtime. He claims he can't get here earlier because of work, but apart from the fact he used to get home between 5&5.30, it is still not reasonable to ruin the children's bedtime, to suit him.

dazedandconfusedagain Wed 07-Jan-15 09:07:47

So the eldest could sleep there but the youngest (aged 2) can't sleep over at their dad's cause they are still breastfed? Sounds like that's the reason he insists on coming to yours then- he doesn't she the you eat if eldest comes to stay with him alone.

Without being rude, lots of babies have to stop breastfeeding due to family circumstances work for example. Now your child is 2 so a toddler now and can't stay overnight with their dad due to breastfeeding still. Perhaps it's in your 2 yr olds best interests to stop?

Is selling the property an option?

cestlavielife Wed 07-Jan-15 14:15:53

I think the nearly two year old could go overnight as he can manage without BF. ....

being on the other side, ex still in joint owned flat and keys have been changed (communal door was replaced and one of his locks ) and I have requested key set but he has not given me set. because he is a pain. so you can quite easily keep forgetting to give him a set. I would change some locks, so he cant get in, then conveniently keep forgetting to give him new set until/unless he gets legal..... I am going to have to go to court to get entry to my flat so its same for him.... obv don't tell solicitor - story is yes had to change locks have set ready for him ....

coming to see children after their bed time is clearly stupid.

so offer him all the kids overnight see how it goes.

for one night you could express to prevent engorgement?

gillybean2 Wed 07-Jan-15 18:00:57

What will your 15 year old do if he's babysitting alone and his dad turns up asking to be let in, or just lets himself in...?

From what you've said about him I think that knowing the kids are all home alone without an adult present will have him turning up at your door. Is your ds going to be able to handle that?

NAR4 Mon 12-Jan-15 17:46:07

My older son has been told to let his dad in, if he turns up and let him take over care of the little 2 without arguing. After all that is what was happening previously anyway and I don't want him having an argument with his dad. I have told him to go next door for the evening if he needs to, to avoid an argument with his dad if he turns up.

Good news, ex didn't come over at all while I was at work last week. My solicitor is back from holiday tomorrow, so expect to get a phone call from her, as my ex said he has told his solicitor, I am blocking all access to the children. I'm not, but he feels it's fine not to let me have any contact with my 16yr old, who lives with him. I don't even know where he lives. He even changed his school, but I phoned around until I found that and gave them my contact details.

textfan Mon 19-Jan-15 07:17:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAR4 Wed 28-Jan-15 19:28:08

Yes we are married and the wasting time lying at Mediation has been going on for 5 months now. Just got a letter regarding me blocking his access to the children (I'm not), from his solicitor today. This is on another thread.

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