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Will they go where the money is?

(9 Posts)
tippytap Sun 04-Jan-15 08:31:34

My Dd is 8, been separated from her Dad for 6 years.

Contact is around 70/30, plus the option of half of the school holidays ATM.

DD dad is loaded. He has a 4 bed house, new car, holidays at least twice a year, lots of disposable income. He buys her 'stuff'. Dad doesn't spend quality time with her though, he's always on the laptop/ipad and so is she, or he takes her out so he doesn't have to 'cope' with her by himself.

I don't live like that. We live in a 2 bed flat, I haven't been away in 5 years, when we go out its on freebies/cheapo days out.

DD is at the age now when she notices the difference in our lives a lot. I wonder if, as she gets older, she'll want to live with her dad because he has more money/better style of living than I can offer, or that she'd rather take her friends to dads v nice house, than our little flat.

This wondering comes as a rest of me telling dd that she couldn't have something as I couldn't afford it and her saying she'll ask dad as he has lots of money, and a chat that I had with my Sis, where she basically said that I should brace myself for this happening in the future.

Is this really a certainty? Does anyone have any experience of this?

Thanks for reading!

inthename Sun 04-Jan-15 08:52:40

my ds is 13 now, been divorced 11 yrs, same sort of disparity in money (we live in 2 bed flat, dad in 5 bedroom house etc). I'd say its not a certainty. They view 'home' as where they are most comfortable at being themselves, especially when there is plenty of contact ( as my ds put it 'things' aren't everything, ) and he hasn't put his dad on any pedastal because he knows exactly what being with dad for a week or more is like!
Keep doing what you're doing, don't try to keep up with what he does. She may want to alter contact patterns as she gets older but just be open to suggestions if its safe for her to do so (so for example ds wants to change eow to 2 consecutive weekends a month etc) Its by no means a conclusion that they will go where the money is.

tippytap Sun 04-Jan-15 09:45:13

Thanks, your DS sounds lovely.

STIDW Sun 04-Jan-15 10:19:11

IME young adolescents often think the grass is greener on the other side regardless of whether there is money or a better standard of living. Some miss the parent with the minority of care and want to live with them. After a while they miss the other parent and move back. That is particularly true when children are disappointed because the parent can't keep up with the fun and treats which the children are used to. A "Disney" parent has to spend more and more time and money to satisfy the children otherwise it is no longer fun or a treat. There comes a point when that is just not possible and the parent child relationship is damaged because it is superficial.

The problem with young adolescents moving base from one parent's home to the other is the child is focusing on the time they spend with parents at a developmental stage when they need to start becoming independent from parents, and focusing on building relationships with their peers. If they don't there tends to be relationship problems later on. The way to prevent that is for the child to spend a substantial amount of time with both parents so there are no illusions about the grass being greener on the other side.

cestlavielife Sun 04-Jan-15 16:04:28

she might do but i wouldn't worry about it.
some teens will get stroppy whatever.
some wont.
just keep doing what you are doing, spending time with her and doing stuff with her.
if she wants to ask her dad for something that s fine - as clearly he can afford it.

Wotsitsareafterme Mon 05-Jan-15 16:45:28

Not yet for my dc. Exh has cash but he's overly strict and struggles to cope with my dc sometimes. My eldest dc chooses me if she can dc2 is kind of neutral

Ijustworemytrenchcoat Sun 11-Jan-15 21:50:20

I worry about this too sad. The sad thing is it's not even his money but his parents. I worry he will be able to give my child a nicer life, materially speaking, than I can.

cestlavielife Sun 11-Jan-15 22:06:10

Children are not stupid.
They. Might think material things are important but it won't last if there is no love and attention.

Don't let anxieties get in the way.

textfan Mon 19-Jan-15 07:29:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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