Issues with ex

[Evelyn1993]

I have a little one with my ex. My ex and I have been divorced for a few years now and had always sorted contact and maintanence ourselves.

The Christmas period has been one of the worse it's ever been. Contact is fortnightly. We had previously discussed arrangements over Christmas. But last minute my ex wanted to change them to suit his family needs. I said no as we had made plans and I wasn't changing it last minute (this was Christmas Eve)

Since then my little one has had contact with him and Is home now. I've had barrels of texts with abuse calling me all the names under the sun and trying to guilt trip me for not giving into his demands.

Not only that he's threatened court action. Our daughter has always seen him even the divorce was settled amicably for the sake of our daughter.

He is due to have our daughter this weekend even after everything and now he was late paying maintenance and he's lowered it for no reason.

I've had no contact with him, as quite frankly he does not deserve any respect from me after they way he's behaved.

I really don't know what to do about him! Any advice would be great.

Forgot to say his behaviour has recently changed since he got engaged they are due a baby in 6 weeks too

[Pinkballoon]

I'd continue the no contact. Its unlikely that he'll take court action. Sounds like a threat to get his way (I've had it time and time again and it never happens!). What's he going to take you to court for anyway? Not giving into his change of plans?

Sounds like he might be under pressure from the new woman to divert money away from you to his prospective family, and spend more time with her. Is the money he gives you more or less than the CSA would calculate? I think your money would go down anyway when their baby is born according to CSA rules. Have you done all the online calculations about this?

I have to say that the only way it works with my ex is to ignore emails and texts and do everything through the CSA and/ or court. Otherwise you get dragged into email and text arguments which when I look back on them, never achieved anything other than taking up enormous amounts of my time and energies.

[Evelyn1993]

No it's not through csa. I have no idea what he earns I just take what he says as face value to save the arguing. I'm fully aware through csa the money would go down anyway. We've never dealt with csa I just wanted things to be amicable and they were and have been all these years until now.

I know he has no reason to take
me to court it has just annoyed me that after it being so amicable all these years it's come to this.

My Daughter also came home after last contact telling me that her Daddy had said things about me to her. I've never said a bad word to her about him so I don't appreciate that either and ive told him I never want her to come home and tell me that again.

Why does he have to make things so difficult

[Pinkballoon]

He could be earning more than he's telling you though? In which case, the CSA will be able to determine what he is actually earning.

I suspect that there's now an issue with the new woman as to where his loyalties lie (in terms of his finances and time) given that there is a new baby coming; and he's taking out all these frustrations on you. I just think that the best thing (and maybe only thing) that you can do now is to get everything down in black and white in terms of money and contact, given that there is now a 3rd person in the mix and things could get difficult.

What did he say to your daughter about you?

[Evelyn1993]

I don't really know much about csa and I'm pretty sure they are making changes. How do I go about sorting csa if I wanted to go down that route?

He promised our daughter a day out on my weekend booked tickets did not consult me in fact told me he was taking her out and had already told her. We actually had plans. So the last contact obviously our daughter was upset about not going and he told her it was fault I was being mean to Daddy and selfish and she has me to blame for not going out.

Was not impressed! I have told him if she ever comes home saying anything like that again then I will stop the contact as I don't not want her mind and feelings being messed with

[STIDW]

The Child Maintenance Service handles all new applications for child maintenance now rather than the CSA. If you want to apply you need to phone CM Options first. There is a lot of information and tools including a calculator on the CM Options website. The section on negotiation and managing conflict is quite useful.

However if you apply there is an application fee of £20. If parents use Direct Pay there are no further charges but if you use the Collect & Pay Service the payer pays an extra 20% and the recipient 4% of the amount they receive.

[gillybean2]

If things have always been amicable, and everyone is upset currently over this one situation, I don't think jumping to the CSA/CMS straight away is necessarily the right way to go.

How much lower is the amount? A significant amount? The price of the wasted tickets perhaps? Rightly or wrongly, maybe he thinks it's fair for you to pay for the wasted tickets if he is blaming you for it. Perhaps Christmas or new baby expenses have left him short this month and he'll make up the difference next month... Who knows?!

Have you tried asked him why the amount is lower this time? Ask him if it a one off adjustment. If not ask him if he is changing the amount and perhaps he could discussing this with you as you have to plan and budget ahead too. It is true that when he has another child to support the CMS calculation will adjust. But that baby has not been born yet.

Don't threaten with the CMS unless you believe you will be significantly better off going that route and intend to take it. It's better to try and keep it amicable if at all possible. You might find yourself worse off and not know if and when any payments may arrive otherwise.

From what you say, it seems to me that he made a promise to your dd that he shouldn't of. He is likely upset to have disappointed her and to have missed the oportunity to share an exciting event with her that she would no doubt have enjoyed.

DD is upset by what appears to her as you stopping her doing something she wanted, and her dad promised her she could. He appears to have pointed the finger at you for preventing it. Yes that was wrong. However we all say and do things we shouldn't when we are upset and angry. If this is different to how he usually behaves I think maybe there should be some allowances made all round on this occassion.

You have said that it is not acceptable to do this, hopefully he has taken that on board.

Your ex probably thinks you are being unreasonable over the tickets. Maybe he thinks you could of changed your plans to accomodate him for this special treat/event. After all, an opportunity came up for your dd to do something fun and exciting with him and he assumed you would be happy to change your plans to enable this to happen for your dd. In the same situation you might also hope he would change his plans if the situation was reversed. The difference being you would pronbably have checked before buying the tickets rather than assuming your ex had nothing planned or better to do.

Perhaps ask him to give you plenty of notice next time if he wants to change the previously agreed days. Or to discuss the options before he books tickets in future so you can both work together for dd's sake to find a date that works for you all.

I assume you explained that you already had plans, and that if he'd spoken to you before he bought the tickets you'd have been able to advise him of that so he could then perhaps have picked a different day to book the tickets. Bear in mind there may one day be something you want to do with dd on her dad's weekend so if you can sometimes be flexible it might be better for dd.

Sometimes it can be better to be rigid with the dats though, especially if you have an ex that messes you and dd about and cancels and tries to swap and change all the time. Maybe I'm wrong bit it doesn't sound like he is like that most of the time though...?

So just step back for a moment, count to ten, and then see if this really is such a massive issue that things now need to be set in stone by a court and/or the CMS. Or perhaps things can move back to being amicable again between you like they have been up 'til now.