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To tell or not to tell?

(41 Posts)
Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:18:28

Hi everyone,

I'm late 30's and so is my ex and father of my unborn baby (due start of Feb) we only dated for four months and I fell pregnant. We weren't being careful with protection, but both of us got on incredibly well had loads in common, went on holiday together and discussed the future a lot including our desire to have a family. So when I found out I was surprised but happy, he on the other hand went crazy. He said I have tried to trap him etc all the normal stuff. He asked me to have an abortion which I refused to do, at my age I saw this as quite possibly my one and only chance of having a child. My baby is a precious little miracle, there was no way I could consider terminating. I think I would have ended up regretting this for the rest of my life. So I decided to go it alone as I have a very supportive family and I'm financially stable. I said to him that I didn't expect anything from him, and that I won't ask for anything financially from him.

He said he was devastated by my decision to keep the child as it interfered with his plans to go and live in Australia. Yep he is a selfish idiot. He asked that we keep in touch for the next 6 months (until Dec) I heard nothing from him, the only message I sent him was a very short, factual message in Sept telling him the scans etc seem to all be good and that I'm having a girl. He just replied saying thanks for letting me know. Then in November he sent me a short message saying he was very disappointed at my decision to keep the baby knowing his plans to move. That he doesn't have any intention to contact me once he has moved, that if my daughter decides to make contact when she is old enough he would consider perhaps seeing her. But he would like me to let him know when she is born.

The letter was cold and horrible, as if written to a business associate.

So my question is, should I inform him of the birth or not? Part of me feels I should not for him, but for my daughter so if in the future she asks me if I ever let her father know when she was born I have the email to show I tried to include him in her life. But the other part of me just thinks why on earth should I inform him, he doesn't deserve it!!!

This is a man who thought I was lying about my pregnancy and pretty much insisted we do a pregnancy test together in a pub garden!!!

Advice need please?

Many thanks

Cherry xx

18yearstooold Sun 28-Dec-14 12:23:30

I'd tell him and pursue him for child maintenance

Even if you think you don't need the money it's rightfully your child's, put it in an account for when she needs it

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 12:28:20

Blimey. He's lovely isn't he? I don't actually see how your decision to keep the baby has affected his decision to move to Australia, isn't he going to go anyway?

I personally don't think you should let him off from his financial commitments, btw, although if he is overseas it could be difficult to enforce anyway.

I wouldn't let him know about the birth when it happens. You will have enough to deal with, and a horrible message from him is an upset you simply don't need. I would consider telling him a few months after the baby is born when you're feeling readier to deal with any response from nothing at all to 'never contact me again'.

Best of luck with the birth, it's great that you have a supportive family around you.

Ohbollocksandballs Sun 28-Dec-14 12:31:44

What a bloody asshole. I wouldn't tell him right away. Like tribpot said it will be difficult, and emotional enough without having to deal with him.

Do what you feel is right for you. When your daughter is old enough to understand she will figure him out for herself. Until then, you are all she needs.

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:35:13

Yep I can't actually believe his response. He has blamed me entirely for getting pregnant, despite the fact he knew I wasn't on birth control (I've tried everything the pill, merina and always have horrendous side effects). I never tried to hide anything from him and was upfront and honest from the start.

He is now in Australia. So has done what he wanted anyway. I don't want any money from him. That way I feel I'm giving him more control then he deserves. I've been through enough emotionally this year I just want him to f**k off now (excuse my language ha!)

I still don't know if I should inform him or not...confused

Ohbollocksandballs Sun 28-Dec-14 12:41:18

If I was you, I would not. Try not to worry about it. Chances are when she is born, informing him will be the last thing on your mind.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 28-Dec-14 12:45:15

I wouldn't.

I also don't think you will be able to put him on the birth certificate, as he needs to be present or give you a signed statement confirming his status as the father. (Correct me if I'm wrong!)

Congratulations on your little girl, by the way. thanks

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:46:39

So you don't think it will come back on me when she is older for not informing him? I just want my daughter to know I did my best for her. I couldn't care less about him.

I don't even know why he wants to know?! His first response when I told him was 'I don't want it' despite months and months of banging on about how he is ready to be a father tomorrow...hmm

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:47:25

You are right he has to be present to be on the birth certificate. I don't want him on it.

Ohbollocksandballs Sun 28-Dec-14 12:48:39

I don't think so no. You've tried, he's been a cock. But it's your decision.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 28-Dec-14 12:53:49

I don't think it will. Mainly because you won't be telling her the whole story, will you? You won't tell her he wanted to abort her, he ruined his life etc. So just tell her that he left when he found out. End of.

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 12:54:35

I suppose there is a minuscule possibility in the future he will rewrite history to say 'I would have been a fully involved parent in your life if only your mum had told me that you had been born' - but in no way should you feel you have to tell him at the time when she is born. After the event is fine.

mugglelady Sun 28-Dec-14 12:55:18

Congratulations on your baby - agree with what the others have said

Lweji Sun 28-Dec-14 12:58:09

Is he in the UK?

I think I'd inform him, in a simple message, and leave it at that.

What I'd struggle with would be whether to claim child maintenance or not.

TheFourthLobster Sun 28-Dec-14 12:58:46

Tell him when you are ready, have a good think about whether you want him to be on the birth certificate or not first though. If you don't, register her birth and tell him later on.

Cabrinha Sun 28-Dec-14 12:59:40

I would send an email saying "her due date is x. She will almost certain therefore be born -3/+2 weeks of that date. I shall be too busy with a new baby to worry about emailing you. That date is close enough".

Or just ignore.

I mean, FFS - just keep that email. He knows "his" daughter is a girl. What else is there to know, if you're not involved? You don't need to tell him when she's born, it's going to happen, he knows approximately when.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude Sun 28-Dec-14 13:05:10

There is no need for you to tell him when she is born.

He is an adult and can do maths, he should be able to work out when 9 months have passed since conception. I would hazard a guess he knows your due date anyway and so will be fully aware that come this time next year he is a father. It isnt as if the baby is just going to stay in your uterus forever. I would also hazard a guess that he knows how to use a phone so can ring you to find out this information should it interest him.

You have done enough. He has to take responsibility for his own involvement in HIS child's life. You are meeting your obligations.

WeAllHaveWings Sun 28-Dec-14 13:13:43

Agree with others, he knows approx. when his child will be born, assuming he has your contact details he can contact you if needed.

I would pursue maintenance payments, if you don't need them they can go into a savings account for your daughter. You never know if you will need them in the future so worth sorting out now especially with him living in Australia (I believe there are agreements for enforcing maintenance payments with NRP in Australia, so it could be possible, but will probably take some time).

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 13:30:33

I told him her due date in my last message to him. I have all the emails saved between both of us, he wrote me a whole email about aborting our child and how my life would be affected by keeping the baby. How him and his family would be affected if I would keep the baby bla bla bla. It was all about him! I have more then enough emails to show his disinterest. I said he could be involved if he wanted, but he has walked away. So I guess I've done enough...thanks guys for helping me decide smileflowers

Roseylee20 Sun 28-Dec-14 13:47:13

It's entirely your decision Cherry, but if you definately don't want to pursue child maintenance from him then personally I wouldn't inform him. You have told him the EDD so he should want to contact you around that time. You will have a lot going on without having to think about calling/emailing someone abroad to tell them the child they don't seem to be bothered about has been born! If he doesn't want any contact etc, I can't see why he would want to know the birth date! But, like others have said, the money is rightfully your child's. Good luck x

Starlightbright1 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:20:37

Nope..I wouldn't when she is born you are going to be shattered and busy. The only people who really need to know are those who are going to support and help you..Any spare time should be spent gazing at your beautiful DD or sleeping.

MinceSpy Sun 28-Dec-14 22:34:52

If you need to claim benefits you will need to state who the father is and claim child support. This can be done in Australia. I'd send him a basic announcement plus claim for financial support.

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:36:15

Don't worry, you guys have helped me make my mind up. I'm not going to send him a message because I have given him enough info including her due date.

I guess what I'm struggling with is how I can trust a man again, he gave me the impression the whole time in our relationship that he was ready to settle down, that he loved me and that he would stay in the uk and we could trial out our relationship over here before embarking on the move to Australia in a few years time. I even tried breaking up with him half about 6 weeks into the relationship because I didn't want to get hurt and he convinced me to carry on seeing him. I can't actually believe there are men out there like that, I didn't pick up on it as he hid his true self so well. It's scary confused not sure I want to date again after my experience with him.

MetallicInk Sun 28-Dec-14 22:48:16

I am so sorry for your situation but the plus side is that you have an amazing baby girl out of it all.

I can't however be the only person that thinks you can't know someone fully after 4 months. I'm not having a go and I think you will get over him being such an ahole once you have a baby to keep you occupied. Concentrate on her and let him realise years later that he has well and truly missed out.

Good luck xx

Cherryblossom200 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:57:23

I absolutely agree, and was naive to think I knew him. Falling pregnant so early was never in the plan at all it really was an accident. I'm a bit of a romantic at heart and when we first met I just felt this amazing connection I had never had with anyone else (not even the guy I was with for 15 years) so it felt like it was meant to be. I had been out of the dating game for sometime so I guess I was silly for thinking this way. When I start dating again I will definitely take time to get to know a guy slowly! I won't be introducing my little girl to a guy for a long time shock x

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