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I'm terrified he's going to keep her! please help :(

(99 Posts)
beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 20:56:21

Hello. I didn't really know where to write this, but I desperately need advice. Today I dropped my daughter off for her weekend, with her dad and his family. She hates going there, cries at the mention of it, but eventually she went off and I left. When I got home, we had a big argument about his access. Basically, I'm fed up because he's always changing times we've agreed on, so he can have her longer. She's meant to be back at 3 on Sunday, he has said that isn't good enough, and that she'll be back at 5 no matter what I say. Is there anything I can do? I'm terrified he won't bring her back at all, he's evil and I don't trust him at all. He's on her birth cert. As we did get on as friends, when Amelia was born. We were just a fling, but then I fell pregnant. He now has his own family, and I've dealt with nothing but abuse etc for over 2 years, from him and his partner.

My next question is, if I wanted to, could I tell him on Sunday (when he eventually brings her back sad ) that I want a court order, so there's no bending rules - and that until then, he won't be seeing her.

I'm at my wits end with it all, all he ever does is bring me down. He thinks he rules the roost, and I've had enough of his rudeness towards me, and his bad attitude. As I said before, my daughter never wants to see him!

Thanks in advance for any replies. I don't want abuse of any kind. I have been more than fair for the past few years, I've done him favours, given him more time for things - and still had abuse back! I want a court order, so he can no longer bend the rules. I will make it clear, that I do not want to keep him from her - I just want rules in place before he sees her again.

Eastpoint Fri 26-Dec-14 20:59:17

I have reported your post as you mention your child's name, you might want to do the same to help maintain anonymity. I don't have anything helpful to add I'm afraid.

26Point2Miles Fri 26-Dec-14 20:59:24

Can you afford to take all this to court?

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 21:03:38

I mention my childs name on my profile? I'm still very much anonymous though. I'm going to have to look into costs etc. But it will be him, taking me to court I think.

26Point2Miles Fri 26-Dec-14 21:05:15

How will it be him taking you to court?

RandomMess Fri 26-Dec-14 21:15:07

Before you go to court they'll want you to go to mediation. I would ask in writing for him to attend mediation with you (find out about costs, where there is a service etc.). If he refuses or you can't reach an agreement tell him you are stopping contact until there is a formal agreement.

Another alternative is if he turns late just go out and don't wait around for him!

26Point2Miles Fri 26-Dec-14 21:19:17

Er, no, don't stop contact! This will look v v bad on you if/when it gets to court. You don't have the right to stop it anyway

Keep a diary
Carry on with your day if he doesn't turn up
Offer mediation

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 21:27:11

I was just reading about mediation. I'm going to mention it to him on Sunday, if he refuses I'll know court is the only answer. sad

RambleOn Fri 26-Dec-14 21:27:16

Be mindful though that the court will start at 50/50 shared care.

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 21:32:01

I did think that. I don't want to cut his access, I'm just very fed up of him bending the rules we set.

26Point2Miles Fri 26-Dec-14 21:32:36

You can't make him begin court proceedings. They will be expensive for you

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 21:36:20

If needs be, it's what I'll have to do.

Russettbella1000 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:05:40

Court did not cost me a penny, not one. Ex was/is a twat. I never stopped contact (because of course you can't) but because he only wanted it his way, he took me to court. Was pretty farcical, he had solicitor, whole shebang who didn't even advise him properly & he talked himself into a 'section 7'. I stood up, and talked when asked to and it was absolutely fine, honestly! At the end of the day the lawyers so not give a fudge, they are being paid! And the law around this is standard and not complicated unless, of course, there are issues of safety etc...Anyway long story short after two years of him 'fighting' me (I put up such a fight, alone in the court room explaining, as was the truth, I'd never denied access:0)), the judge finally ordered supported contact then every two weeks overnight...Which is great and actually because it's all written down he can't control things sooooo much.
I'd say let him take you to court if he is not giving your child 'consistent contact'. It sounds like he is on a power trip rather than respecting the times which need to be agreed between you for the benefit of your daughter-after all it is hardly in her best interests that he chop & change.Thats surely all about him, as is often the problem:0) ...Obviously, you would not stop contact but you certainly do have a case to argue that your daughter deserves regular & consistent contact!Good luck & don't be worried about court IF he takes it that far. GOOD LUCK :0)

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:17:51

Thank you so much! Your ex sounds just like my daughter's dad. It is all about him having control, it's so unfair. I want some rules to be set, that he can't go and break regularly. It terrifies me that he won't bring her back one day though, as I know he has parental rights, could he do that? I've read he could sad and that I'd then have to go to court to get my daughter back! X

PotteringAlong Fri 26-Dec-14 22:21:44

But look at it from his point of view -
That's exactly what you want to do. You want to stop contact and keep your daughter so he has to go to court to "get her back". He has equal parental rights to you.

EssexMummy123 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:23:34

I don't think it's fair to make her go there if she hates it and cries at the mention of it, hopefully she's old enough for a court to take what she wants into account.

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:25:33

I know he does, I don't want to stop his contact but I also don't want him to keep my daughter from me. It's a risk I'm not willing to take. I'd rather go to mediation with him, than end up in court, but we've sat down and spoken so many times before, yet nothing gets better. He can't set rules and times with me, then break them. I know he loves her, but he doesn't help himself at all.

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:28:03

My daughter lives here, she's all I know and I'm all she knows really. She does hate going there, and I feel awful sending her - but I know he has rights. I have a conscience, but I'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure my daughter stays with me because I'm home to her.

Spero Fri 26-Dec-14 22:33:55

I don't think just mentioning your daughter's first name has compromised your anonymity, unless that name is very unusual.

This is a difficult situation. You say he is 'evil'. He is however your daughter's father, half her genetic makeup. It is going to be very difficult for her growing up caught between you.

Either he really is 'evil' - in which case she should not be having direct, unsupervised contact with him, or he is not 'evil' but you believe he is and you are going to have a hard job keeping this from your daughter.

If he can't/won't stick to times and this is causing you distress then a court order is one way of at least making things clear. But you can't just make an application to court now, you will have to try mediation first unless you are exempt, for e.g. if there has been violence.

But this sounds like a much bigger problem than clashing over times. You say your daughter is unwilling to go and cries (I assume she is 2 years old?) and you think he is evil. There is research to say that preschool children should not be spending overnights away from their primary carer.

If you seriously think that the contact with her father is causing her emotional harm, then you must take action. But court applications should be a last resort as the fall out is likely to be massive.

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:38:36

I think he's evil because he has control issues. He has openly admitted he would control my life if he could. He has made my life hell with things he has said/done over the past 2 years, everything is a battle with him. I really don't want my daughter caught in the middle of us fighting, that's why I want access sorted and set in stone. I don't want to cut his contact, but I do know she's not happy there. I have asked him why, and he says "oh, she's fine as soon as you leave." I've tried to ask Amelia why she gets so upset, she just says she doesn't like it there - won't give a specific reason. I'd like to try mediation, as court is the last resort.

minklundy Fri 26-Dec-14 22:43:14

Sadly, even with a court order he can still mess about with times.
However, you can get an order, think it used to be a residency order but may have changed that means you can get the police involved if he does not bring her back and also that you can take her abroad on holiday without his written permission (as law stands at present you need his permission for this and other things)

Spero Fri 26-Dec-14 22:43:17

You can't get access 'set in stone'. Children grow and change, their needs grow and change. You need to be able to be flexible. You can't just have one order that will last the next 14 years.

The problem here is the attitude of the adults. It usually is.

Is there no way of being able to discuss this? No family member? Professional mediation? Either the adults are able to sort it out or you are looking at years of court applications.

I am also troubled that you use the word 'evil' to describe someone with 'control issues'. It's not great having 'control issues' but nor is it 'evil'.

minklundy Fri 26-Dec-14 22:45:05

If he is controlling with you, chances are he is with her too and that and being away from you, is why she does not like itsad

Spero Fri 26-Dec-14 22:47:38

If she is 2, she probably doesn't like being away from you. Is it every other weekend or every weekend? If it is every other weekend that is a big gap for a toddler.

You need to sort something out but you need to be clear about what you are sorting out. Its going to be a very difficult next 10-15 years otherwise.

beclou94 Fri 26-Dec-14 22:53:30

That's what I thought minklundy. He's very strict with her, I know that. There's something she doesn't like about being there.

No offence spero but I'm not stupid, I know she'll grow to make her own mind up and sometimes things will get in the way that change access times - I'd just like more stability in my daughter's life. Controlling to his extent is evil! controlling what I do and when, spying on me, standing outside of my door so he can listen in to what I'm doing with my daughter! sad I've had enough. His partner is just as bad.

My partner drove a long way to drop her off with him today, he didn't even get a thank you. It's just a lack of basic manners and his attitude problem that make me dislike him even more.

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