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First Chrismas since separation & just having a wobble

(16 Posts)
TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 20-Dec-14 11:45:22

Separated in July & he moved out in October. It was mutual, amicable and the right thing to do. Has been scary, but despite this I've felt much happier.

But today I'm having a wobble. All these cards arriving to "Mr & Mrs," arranging visits to family & friends who have still not heard. And silly little things like what to write on my little (ex?) nephews' Christmas present labels - do I say from me & kids, or does that tread on their Uncle's (STBXH's) toes? I used to do cards and pressies for all of STBXH's family and friends, he doesn't know their addresses or birthdays and I am torn between showing him up and trying to smooth things. My in-laws are heartbroken and will be missing me, I know (going to see them today for a cuppa & drop tree presents.)

Unkind of me, but the ignorance of some people is shocking (I have lost count of the number of acquaintances/ distant family members who think it's okay to ask things like "was there anyone else?" or "what was the catalyst?" 10 seconds after hearing, and the room going quiet. FGS I barely know you, I'm not going to discuss something so personal over mince pies and mulled wine when I haven't spoken to you since 2008.

I was prepared to feel it a bit at Xmas when you can too easily imagine that the whole world is composed of nice little family units. But I hadn't anticipated all the little details & practicalities.

All the same - I still know I have done the right thing, and this Xmas can't possibly be worse than the last 4 or 5 ones of robotic interactions "for the sake of DC" and me crying in loo during Xmas dinner because the strain was killing me.

thanks for reading.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 20-Dec-14 17:29:13

hmm, new to this topic - it's quiet! :D

ASAS Sat 20-Dec-14 17:32:12

Sorry it's been quiet, glad your loo-crying days are over. Merry Christmas smile

TheWindowDonkey Sat 20-Dec-14 17:35:24

Hi, sorry didnt want your thread to go unanswered. I am not a lone parent but my parents split uo when i was 8 and seeing their experiences I can imagine you would quite naturally find this time of year really hard, even if it was the best decision all round! Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what you do, its a grieving process and this is part of it.
If you are looking for more traffic you would probably find it busier in the 'relationships' thread.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 20-Dec-14 18:22:50

Thanks both x

bimbobaggins Sat 20-Dec-14 23:13:09

Hi trousers, i feel as though i could have written your post myself. I am in exactly the same situation. My ex and i had hardly spoken for months after i suspected him of having an affair. We hadnt been happy for a number of years. He finally left in october. The way he went about it left me shell shocked but overall i am much happier than i have been in years.

I am having mixed feelings about christmas. It will be my first one on my own for 14 years. I have to kep reminding myseld how unhappy our christmases usually were though rather than focussing on being on my own.

I do have my ds. He will be seeing his dad at some point but having dinner with me but i am already thinking ahead to next year when it will be his turn.

As for the ils, if i never have to see my mil again that will suit me fine. She never liked me anyway so i will be happy not having to spend time with her.

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 21-Dec-14 00:07:17

Thanks bimbo. good idea about not focussing on being alone. I'm starting a few new traditions, such as buying an indulgent present for myself online and wrapping the unopened parcel to put under the Christmas tree to me, from me!

yes it went smoothly with the inlaws today, but I was relieved to go after an hour instead of the usual couple of days.

bimbobaggins Sun 21-Dec-14 08:29:15

That sounds like a good idea focussing on new traditions, especially buying yourself an indulgent christmas present!!

I know it will be hard but you should focuss on the fact you wont be criying in the loo because of the strain.

How old are your dc?

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 21-Dec-14 09:22:27

I feel the same. I know this christmas will in reality be so much nicer then any of the ones we spent with as a family, but I find it hard sometimes, especially going to things where I seem to be the only single parent in the room!
I don't miss him, I think I'm just a bit glum that the father of my children isn't someone I would want to share christmas with!

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 21-Dec-14 17:28:05

Thanks bimbo and theend. DC are primary age so working hard to keep them settled.

Firsts are always hard - bit like the first Christmas etc after a bereavement.

Ijustworemytrenchcoat Mon 22-Dec-14 22:11:39

It's my first Christmas alone too Trousers and I know just what you mean about the awkward explanations. I've signed his name on some cards to people I don't really see much (old Joni friends) so I can avoid it till next year.

I dread people asking me because half the time I burst into tears because I feel so bad whenever I think about the little one growing up in a house without his dad. Thankfully most people have just asked how I'm settling in, well those who know at all!

I'm trying to focus on the fact that like you I think I did the right thing. It doesn't make it easier though does it?

Yikesivedoneitagain Thu 25-Dec-14 19:49:41

I'm here too! First Christmas alone. Handed my older children over this afternoon and have felt a bit heartbroken since. Sorry to hear you're finding it difficult, the present idea is fantastic. I'm going to buy myself some really expensive perfume, I think grin.

I didn't think I would miss my husband since he was rather a shit, but today I have missed having someone to roll eyes at when everyone gets tense or does silly Christmas stuff. He is also v good looking (maybe just to me), and I really feel sad when he is all dressed up in a nice shirt and looks good. I feel sad for what we could have had.

How are you all feeling now Christmas is ending?

America1 Sun 28-Dec-14 05:00:19

Wow was mine to

suspected husband having an affair kicked him out, didnt think hed go and he did...turned out I was right!
Left me 7 months pregnant and hasnt shown any interest in baby.
Im becoming more and more aware of men doing this...don't get it. Was a planned baby and recently married "(

Yikesivedoneitagain Sun 28-Dec-14 15:33:17

Oh America! what a shit! Our instincts are so often right, hey? Have you got people around you in real life to support with baby?

America1 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:36:30

Yes always follow your gut! I have amazing friends and family luckily! Its been 4 months now finally getting there but iv been to some very dark places. Im not sure how any man who leaves his pregnant wife for another woman can sleep at night.

Yikesivedoneitagain Mon 29-Dec-14 20:21:04

Good for you. Yes, he and all around him should be ashamed of him, it's bloody unforgivable.

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