Stopped access to DD. How would this look in court?(16 Posts)
Left an abusive relationship in late May and ex assured me he'd change so that he could be a good dad. He hasn't changed so I stopped contact last week. I don't think he'd take me to court, but if he did, what do you think his chances would be?
I finally left because he was incapable of staying away from cocaine after DD was born. Came downstairs one morning when she was very young to find him pissed out of his face, holding DD, almost fell into the kitchen cabinet, had her nappy on inside out and his ex on her way over with cocaine. He'd forgotten to feed DD (6weeks old). He thought we were going to have a threesome.
He's claimed to be bipolar for many years. He's not had a diagnosis in England and therefore was never medicated. I actually suspect he's a sociopath rather than bipolar. When we've discussed it in the past, he knew nothing about the disorder, despite having apparently suffered from it since his teens (now mid thirties).
He's continued manipulating women since I've left and has actually managed to break a marriage and have the woman move in with him. He was stringing his ex along until he moved the new woman in and has admitted to me he was doing this simply to make sure she'd come and take care of the dog when he was away with work.
He's been a terrible dad since DD was born. He is incapable of parenting for even a short while. He basically expected me to continue assisting him during his access for years to come and while showing very little interest in DD, seems to only have been interested in talking to me. He's not bought a single gift or anything for DD since I left, even getting me to reimburse him for formula when I asked him to pick some up for DD. He tried to get away with paying about half the amount of maintenance that the CMS would have made him, so I had to claim maintenance through them.
He was emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. He once raped me fairly brutally and though I have no evidence of the rape itself, I do have evidence of him having admitted to it to a third party.
Do you have proof/evidence of everything you have said?
If so, I think he would only ever get supervised access, if that.
I think given his past (& present) behvaiour, no court in the world would let this man anywhere near a child. Should he bring it to court & fight you for access, I would pass the evidence of him admitting the rape to the police & also make social services aware of the incident when your DD was 6 weeks old. Anyone would see that this man should not be allowed to have access, I think his chances would be extremely slim/non existent so I wouldn't worry if I were you, you have definitely made the right decision re stopping contact. Your DD does not need this man in her life.
I have proof for most of what I've said. I'd only communicate with him and his cocaine ferrying ex over text and email in the early days so have from him in writing that he went on a massive bender and owed a drug dealer a lot of money. In recent messages between me and his ex, we discuss him admitting to raping me. She and I aren't friends and it's very obvious from the surrounding messages. A few very basic questions about DD will prove in court how little he knows her. The mental health issues will probably need some kind of evaluation. My health visitor, doctor and my mum (who's a social worker) are all aware of the type of relationship I was in as I needed a lot of help to leave with a 6 week old.
Can I ask what specific incident caused you stop contact?
I would take out all the stuff about him and other women and just focus on the risks to your daughter.
Can any of the risks be documented by independent third parties?
I say this as someone who stopped contact on the basis of evidence of police officers and school child protection officers.
I am not disputing he is a bad Dad but a lot of what you talk about are the relationships to you and other women...Is there a risk to your child because of his beahviour?
He hasn't been using his visits to bond with DD, but rather to try and soften me, often trying to flirt and getting annoyed when I don't respond. He's started trying to bully me while visiting, saying I'm not being nice enough to him. He started gaslighting me about the rape. I've recently discovered he also lied about having sought help for his bipolar. I have no proof he's off the drugs and due to his recent behaviour towards me, cannot trust his word that he is. After talking to a solicitor, the solicitor agreed that as none of my family or friends would hold their tongue, he's started to resume his old ways with me and he'd be expected to look after DD if contact were in a contact centre, the best option for DD is to stop contact.
Then if he takes it through court, his drug status and mental health will be assessed at the very least.
(Sorry for the late response...I volunteer on Mondays)
Many of the risks can actually be proven by producing correspondence between the ex and me. Including drugs, unmedicated bipolar disorder and emotional abuse, as well as correspondence between me and his ex.
My Ex was a little like this for a while...I offered contact through contact centre....A few years later contact stopped. We went to mediation he wanted his own way I refused. He Months later took me to court but lied on court papers..CAFCASS said he would have a psychological assessment before any access however he dropped the case as he would of never been considered safe.
My Ex had no interest in his child simply wanted to get at me.He couldn't maintain contact ad son suffered...
I have documented his cancelled visits, latenesses and early departures for the past 2 months. The list is quite extensive. I did address this with him in writing and his response was to get snarky that I was keeping a record. Then he came dangerously close to suggesting he come stay over for the night to help me out. (I discussed it with him after he told me he was going to be leaving an hour early one evening, turning that 3 hour visit into a 2 hour one. I was unwell at the time so said if he wasn't planning on helping at bedtime, I was going to go to my DM's house to stay the night as DD was getting me up every half hour in the night. His response was that if I'm that unwell and having bad nights with DD, it sounds like I needed 'someone' to come stay with me through the night)
Starlight do you mind me asking what kind of lies he put on the court papers? Were they regarding mental health? (you can of course tell me it's none of my business)
Let him take you to court. Offer contact centre.
Don't text or email him.
Record any threats etc with police.
Report the rape to police. Or speak to rape crisis centre about the process.
It is a few years ago now...Vaguely there was a tick list of was there any risk to childs safety , drugs and drink ( I think ) Domestic violence.Mental health may of been on there.. When CAFCASS phoned I said he has lied about these..She said she knew as there had been precious contact in a contact centre she knew there was issues. I think it helped as she knoew from the beginning he was talking crap.
Courts also like facts. I had an psychiatry letter where he admitted he tried to kill me and a letter with his MH diagnosis on it. I still have them in case he ever rears his head again.
That's really useful information, thank you Starlight. It's also quite reassuring to think there will be a checklist rather than me having to explain everything in detail.
Can I just say I did have to explain..but they only want facts..You think , you feel basically don't have any relevance They took his diagnosis of fact as I had a letter from psychiatry with it listed however. He withdrew before court so how it would progress I don't know.
He had a caution for domestic violence against me IT came up as assault ( I think) She said it wasn't relevant till I said it was against me and DS was in my arms at the time. . She then said . It was judges descsion whether to apply for more details...
But agree..Don't engage in anything..Be aware he may be saving anything you say too
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.