I think I'm being generous, he says I'm being a bitch, opinions please

[MerryDickCrack]

Ex left me and 2 ds's, then aged 2 and 5, early this year. He'd been cheating for nigh on 3 years. Since he left he's been an angry, nasty, difficult person who hadn't shown me an ounce of compassion. He's been vile, bullying, entitled, rude, tried to further upset me with his comments about mysterious things he has to do (clearly wants me to think he has someone else, the ow didn't want him after he left). I don't care anymore. I've finally seen what all my friends and family have seen for years - he is a horrible arrogant bully.
Sadly my kids love him so I have to facilitate contact.
He's refused to get anywhere suitable for the boys to stay with him so he insists on seeing them here, in my home. He makes no attempt to make this bearable for me.
For ds2s birthday I let him take ds2 to his flat for a few hours for gifts etc. He was nearly 2 hours late returning him and ds2 only just arrived in time for his own birthday party.
So for Xmas I have said he can have ds's until 4 pm Xmas eve, he can come to house 10-12 on Xmas day and he can have day after Boxing Day. He's going mad. Said it's not enough, wants to come much earlier, said if I don't agree he will come anyway and bang on door and tell kids I am stopping them seeing him at Xmas.
I have done it all alone all year - is it too much to ask to enjoy them opening their gifts from me without him there making me feel uncomfortable?
And what do I do?
Sorry it's long - I'm posting in relationships too, I really need help

[avocadogreen]

You've been more than fair! When exH and I first split up, also due to an affair, I originally let him come to the house to see them but I used to go out, I found it too difficult.

Now he has them every other weekend and it is much better. We are taking it in turns for xmas and new year... so this year I have them for xmas, he has new year.

To be honest I would say xmas eve is enough. Do you have family you can go to on xmas day so he doesn't turn up at your house?

[Starlightbright1]

I think you need to give notice of how long he can continue to use your house. Do you go out during the time with the children.

He is probably quite upset he had his cake and ate it and now seems to have lost it all ( his fault obviously but he would far rather blame you)

I would tell him if he can't be reasonable the offer of Christmas day will be removed. I was also tell him if he is not been reasonable to you in fornt of children and in your home he will have to leave immediately

[MerryDickCrack]

Do you think I should text him then, reiterate the offer of 10-12 only? I told him if he doesn't like it he can take me to court. He said if he did I'd lose them every other Xmas. I wish he'd go away.

[MerryDickCrack]

Sorry - yes starlight he has kids here 1 eve a week when I'm at work. I work ft and need to work late to catch up as I lose so much time to school runs etc. If he had his own place that was safe, he could have them there but he simply won't get one.

[EssexMummy123]

I think that if your allowing him to use your home then he probably still feels like he has a say. I think you would be reasonable to give him a deadline on how long that can continue for, it's your home - he doesn't get to 'insist' or use it as his own.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

Stopped reading after "sadly my kids love him". Don't understand that

[MerryDickCrack]

Yes jingle I do understand I phrased that badly - I mean as much as I hate him, the kids love him so I have to facilitate contact.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

I agree with the others, if he is using your place it's when YOU say. What's wrong with his place? I think it's time to say him coming to yours won't be an option for much longer and if he doesn't sort appropriate accommodation it will be his fault. As for Christmas, it sound fair, he's just use to getting his own way. Tell him you are going to family's on Christmas now due to his threat (even if you're not).

[Quitelikely]

Why is his flat not safe?

[Quitelikely]

The best arrange my for Xmas is to let the children go to the non resident parent at 3pm on Xmas day.

That way you get Xmas Eve, Xmas morning and they go to daddy at 3pm where you can have a tidy then put your feet up.

All the emotion and anger towards each other is a waste of headspace and damaging for your children.

[heidiwine]

I have no doubt that your ex has behaved badly towards you (and by default your children) but there are a couple of things about your post that make me wonder how reasonable you are being:

You say: 'Sadly my kids love him so I have to facilitate contact'
They are his kids too and he's their dad. It is a good thing (not a sad thing) that they love him and because they have two parents both parents must work to enable (not facilitate) positive contact for the children so that they can maintain a relationship with their father.

You also say that he has not found anywhere suitable for the children yet you 'let' him have contact in his flat on your child's birthday - it's either suitable or it's not. What is it that's unsuitable about his flat? Why was it suitable for the birthday but not suitable for Christmas?

I think you should try to compromise. Without giving in to his bully boy tactics. Why can't he have the children in Boxing Day from say 10-6?

I say this as the product of a family where my dad left having had countless affairs. My mum made contact difficult because she was (justifiably) angry with him. What wasn't justified was that her anger prevented me (and my siblings) from having a healthy relationship with either of my parents in the end.

Please try to compromise and if he threatens to bang your door down call the police (the minute he even threatens it).

Good luck.