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My Daughter is suffering because im becoming a woman !! I feel Awful

(26 Posts)
Krissy1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 12:06:19

Hi Everyone

Ive been around the forum for a while and many of you might know my story. I am male to female transexual who has recently come out and started living my life as a woman. I have been taking Hormones for over 3 years continued to live and dress as a man in the fear that i might loose my daughter or mess her head up. But i could no longer hide the physical and mental changes and with support from people on here decided to start my life as Christina and tell my daughter the truth and those around me that needed to know, my work and daughters school and so on. This was a few weeks ago.

My daughter was fine and we are actually closer than ever, other people have been a mixed reaction, some good and some bad.

However i now feel absolutely terrible and distraught almost at some reactions that have happened the last week or so and now i feel my daughter is suffering because of me and who i am.

Last week at school i picked my daughter up as normal, she walked out with one of her friends, I had sweets to give to my dd and i gave a pack to her friend as well. I thought nothing of it at the time. The following day i picked my daughter up and i was approached by the father of child who i had given sweets to the previous day. He was instantly aggressive towards me and told me to not give his son sweets as he did not want him confused ? i asked what he meant and he replied you know what i mean, that there was rumours about me for a long time. I knew very well what he was talking about, he then said he would appreciate if i would stay away from his son and for my daughter to do the same. I was upset and horrified at his reaction and did not know what to say or do, i felt like everyone was looking at me and i started to cry. He walked off and i got in the car with my daughter.

Then the start of this week the teacher phoned me to say there was some teasing going on with some of the kids and my daughter. I was assured it was nothing serious but when i asked my dd she said that some of the kids had been calling me names. I knew this could happen. I spoke to 2 of the parents yesterday and they seemed fine and said they would talk with the kids and apologised to me.

But the worst thing for me is my daughter has not had a birthday party for over 3 years, her birthday is in January and she asked me if she could have a party and invite friends over. This was last week. I said yes and thought it would be so lovely for her. She asked 2 of her best friends at school and they asked there parents. I spoke to them today and both have said there kids cannot come, now they where not horrible or funny with me but now im thinking why can't they come ? is there more to this ? or am i being paranoid. I just feel so bad at the moment and feel im messing up my daughters life because of my issues sad

Krissy x

OP’s posts: |
SunnyBaudelaire Wed 10-Dec-14 12:09:42

Look I really do not want to be rude or judgemental but what did you really think would happen? That your issues would have no effect on your daughter or her social life? that everything would just be hunky dory and everyone would be lovely and accepting?
People are not like that, sorry. YOur poor daughter, Have you thought about moving areas/schools for a 'fresh start'?

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Wed 10-Dec-14 12:15:55

Some people are scared by change that it makes them narrow minded. I don't have any pearls of wisdom to give you. Does you DD have any additional support from a councillor to help her also

PetiteRaleuse Wed 10-Dec-14 12:29:38

Kids can be very cruel to each other and parents can be equally narrowminded. It is very sad. I have no advice but read your other thread too. Big hugs, I hope someone with more helpful advice comes along x

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 10-Dec-14 12:30:58

People can be just awful I am afraid Krissy.
I remember our male reception teacher was ...let's say, in touch with his feminine side. He was such a sweetie and the children adored him.
Yet one macho idiot dad had to come shouting about his perceived 'gayness' in a horrible aggressive way...grrr.
Hang in there.

OldAntiquity Wed 10-Dec-14 12:36:49

You may not be being paranoid. People can be horrible. A person I knew had had to move across town after transition to get away from it all. Unfortunately I obviously have no good advice, I met him after transition and I know he felt better for being accepted as a man from the off in a new area.

RJnomore Wed 10-Dec-14 12:42:50

What did Krissy think would happen?

Perhaps that the majority of people would be able to behave like educated, civilised human beings and not Neanderthals and even worse punish her daughter due to their prejudices?

I'm so sorry. Some people are arseholes.

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 10-Dec-14 12:44:08

yes well sadly the majority of people are not like that , are they? esp junior school parents as I recall. what a load of judgemental twats.

RJnomore Wed 10-Dec-14 12:44:35

I should say though re the party, January can be a bad time, I've a daughter with a birthday around then and a lot of people are skinny after Christmas. So that May or may not be related.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 10-Dec-14 12:54:58

Krissy, there are some horrible people in the world. A junior school is no exception. Children are bullied for having additional needs, for having gay parents, for being a different colour, for not liking 1D. This all starts somewhere and unfortunately it usually starts with the parents. It's fucking shit.

So I think you need to get a bit more proactive with school. This is teasing which is about to lapse into bullying I'm afraid. School have a duty of care to your daughter just as they would do to any other child. There's lots of different ways they can tackle this - friendship circles, talking about difference, etc. You can't let it drift - you need to be going to them to find out what their plans are to support your daughter.

That doesn't solve the problem with the parents, but at least it may smooth things over for your DD inside school.

I'd also look at some out of school clubs, where DD can mix with other children on her own terms. She may not want to tell people about your journey and that may be hard for you - but I think you have to let that go for now.

And harsh, horrible and unfair as it seems, would you consider moving once your transition is complete? Fresh start as Krissy and all that? I know you shouldn't have to - but sometimes it's easier to flow round the rock than wait for the water to tunnel its way through, you know?

Krissy1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:02:37

Thanks everyone, i knew there would be people that did not understand me or accept me. thats life and one reason i hid away for so long was because of this very reason and the effect it would have on my daughter. I had to start my transition else if im honest i might not be here right now i was that low, but ive hid it away for years now because i was scared of what might happen. The only reason i came out now is because i had very little choice, i cannot pass as a man any more and in all honestly ive not really passed as a man for quite some time.

Now i just dont know what to do, i guess i just have to keep on going because a move is not an option at the moment, i just want my daughter to be kept separate to how people feel about me.

I have been writing a blog the last few days which hopefully one day will help people understand me and give others in my situation some thing to relate to.

Ive found since living as a woman i am treated so differently by pretty much everyone, even at work my clients seem to have lost respect for me, i just dont get it i really dont.

Again thank you all for your support, its all i have at the minute and its appreciated smile

Krissy x

OP’s posts: |
SallyMcgally Wed 10-Dec-14 13:06:16

Krissy thanks I wish I could find something more helpful to say.
I don't know why people feel the need to be so cruel.

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Dec-14 13:11:19

Ive found since living as a woman i am treated so differently by pretty much everyone, even at work my clients seem to have lost respect for me, i just dont get it i really dont.

Welcome to the experience of being a woman living in a patriarchy. We get treated worse than men all the time, in ways big and small. Not saying you have to accept it or put up with it, but it is the reality an awful lot of the time. Have a lurk on FWR, read up.

Honestly, you are going to have to brazen it out, for your daughter's sake and your own. Fake it to make it, if you see what I mean. Be confident, friendly, appear unconcerned with all the sidelong glances and muttering, be frank with your daughter but also emphasise there is nothing wrong with you and it is really the people who are being unkind that are at fault. Remember, most people are cowards: the more uncertain you appear, the more they will come in for the kill. The more you look on top of things and happy, the less able they will feel to give you a hard time. So try, even if you have to fake it for the school run then collapse crying at home.

While I sort of get what Sunny means, do not let the school adopt this attitude. Make sure the school looks after your daughter as they would any other child, don't let them dump this in your lap.

museumum Wed 10-Dec-14 13:14:12

I work with somebody who has changed from male to female and i won't lie, it felt a bit awkward at first. I tried to keep any strangeness to myself and hide it but it's taken a couple of years now to be able to think about her as her name and not as 'used to be xxx'.

If you don't know somebody very well you can't ask them all the questions you have.
It makes people think about gender in a way most of us don't normally.. as a very unfeminine woman I was distracted during meetings of thoughts of 'but why is he/she so keen to wear skirts and heels, i hate skirts and heels'...

I also wanted to ask her if she was still into the hobbies that he used to be which we used to chat about before but he hasn't mentioned. They were probably more male-dominated interests, did he actually enjoy them? or were they things he felt he should do to hide the fact he felt like a woman?

Is she still him? I don't know. I don't personally feel gender is very important in my personality etc. but he obviously did feel it was important so are there other aspects of her personality that are different from his.

In many ways it's like getting to know somebody brand new, but all the time you wonder if it should be like that or if you shouldn't be able to carry on exactly as before.

I really hope you find that most people will work through these feelings quietly and personally and not be cruel or allow their children to be cruel either.

Good luck.

SnotandBothered Wed 10-Dec-14 13:16:33

There will be people who are fine with it and those who aren't. As with anything that doesn't fit in with their concept of 'normal'. In an ideal world, you should be able to be who you are and that should be enough for everyone. Our world is not ideal.

I think that in your shoes I would have a long chat with my DD and find out how she is feeling/coping with the prejudice and if she is struggling, even though you should't have to, perhaps formulate a plan to change schools/move once you are close to completing your transition? I know it seems extreme but you will always face mixed reactions and if you are concerned that your DD is getting teased, it's an option and something to focus on and help you both get through the next phase.

In my limited experience, people are usually fairly accepting of transgender people if they meet them once they are living as their new identity - it's watching the change that SOME people struggle with. I worked with someone who was transitioning from male to female and I was fine with it (and in the early days, we went shopping together to chose clothes that she felt comfortable with)but many many people just could not cope with it and were ignorant and behaved unkindly. In her new job (as a woman) she has had very few problems. She is who she is now.

Good luck

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 10-Dec-14 13:18:23

" Make sure the school looks after your daughter as they would any other child, don't let them dump this in your lap"
damn right, please do not misinterpret my comments!! absolutely the school should be supportive.
OP I wonder where you are in the country? I suppose if you are in say,Brighton, or London, this is going to be bit easier.

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Dec-14 13:21:52

I wasn't misinterpreting you Sunny, I don't think. I didn't read what you wrote as blaming the OP. Apologies if it appeared so.

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 10-Dec-14 13:25:09

oh no problem - sometimes I read my posts back and they sound quite different from what i feel!

quietlysuggests Wed 10-Dec-14 13:25:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krissy1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 13:32:06

Again thank you for the support, i don't know where i would be without this forum at the moment.

I have spoke to my daughter about it all and she says its fine and nothing really bad has been said, i think the big issue is the parents, some of them have the issues and want to pass this off on the children, which is wrong. The school is being pretty good in keeping me updated and watching out for bullying, i mean my daughter is only 5 almost 6 so its so early in her life and most of her class mates are still innocent children, i feel its only the prejudices of there parents that will make there children prejudice themselves, i just have to keep a close eye on everything and some how get past it all.

There is a lot of questions people have regarding me becoming a woman, a lot of the girls at work have had an idea i was doing it ages ago but never felt like they could say anything to me, since i came out ive been bombarded with questions and i reall dont mind at all, i would sooner people understand than not and have misconceptions.

Again its another reason im writing a blog, it gives people a little in sight into what ive gone through and it just makes sense to do one, it kind of helps me a little.

Thanks everyone for all your advice.

Krissy x

OP’s posts: |
WannaBe Wed 10-Dec-14 14:09:45

I think it's a bit naive to expect that people will just accept that Chris is now Christina because the people who are expected to accept this haven't gone through years of the thought process, transition etc. While I do think that nasty comments are uncalled for and the school should be dealing with any potential bullying issues, the reality is that children will be curious and they will ask questions, not all of which will be comfortable ones, and many parents will feel that primary age is too young to have to address these types of issues with children.

What kind of support have you saught for your dd? counselling?

Krissy1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:24:35

Hi wannabe, thanks for your comments, at the moment i am in the process of getting professional help, for the past 3 years over i have self medicated with hormones and had no help at all, which i know is very wrong but i was desperate and feared many things including loosing my daughter. But i visited a GP about 5 or 6 weeks ago now and told them everything, i am now awaiting a referral to the hospital to see a councillor and get some support.

For most children to look at me now they would not know i was a man still, my face still is masculine to a degree but my body is very feminine and i was short for a man at 5'8" so i dont stand out like a sore thumb, many of the parents at the school never knew me as a man, i always kept very secluded, they would have seen me and ive said hello but ive looked feminine since my daughter started school even though i dressed as a man. So i don't think its that much of a shock to anyone. I think some people just dislike anything they don't understand, sadly this is one of them things.

Krissy x

OP’s posts: |
Mama1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:30:56

I don't know why people are so cruel Krissy. I really don't understand. The only excuse people always give is that they fear what they cannot understand but it is no excuse.
I have no wise words, I'm afraid. But brew and thanks

Purpleroxy Wed 10-Dec-14 14:44:32

I'm sorry people are being cruel to you and your dd. particularly at this age (assume Y1) where it's so easy to explain to a child. My dc are 6 and 8 and would easily accept someone they know going through this.

It seems people won't send their dc to your house for the party. I would instead have a party at a soft play/similar place and state explicitly on the invitation that parents are willing to stay (it seems they are frightened?). I'd also put on the bottom of the invitation that if any parents want to talk to you about transitioning/to help dc understand then they are welcome to phone or email you. Id send about 12 invites and hope half came. Don't invite the child of the bloke who told you to stay away from his kid - firstly he's asked you to stay away (because he's a moron but still) and secondly he may spread his nastiness round the other parents whose dc you invite.

Krissy1980 Wed 10-Dec-14 16:27:36

Thanks both, thats a good idea purpleroxy, may be a party at the bowling or something, might be fun smile

I was wondering if any of you ladies wanted to test read my Blog ? its not public yet as im still working on it but im not sure if what i have put is interesting or useful ? so if anyone is interested then please PM me and ill send the link smile

Thanks Again
Krissy x

OP’s posts: |

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