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Absent Father's mum has just found out.....

(12 Posts)
1luvgosling Fri 05-Dec-14 15:41:17

My dd is 5, never had contact with her dad- he didn't want to know. His mum has now only just found out dd exists and has contacted me. She seems really nice and is upset that she didn't know. She wants to see dd but I don't know how she can have a relationship with dd without knowing her father. How can this work? Her father has also got other children know so how would that work? Feel really torn what to do if she did see her grandma I don't think it would be regular thing just occasional. I could never envisage her looking after her or something so then I just think what is the point? But the I also think it may make the questions that will come re her dad easier to answer.

What would u do?

Ems1812 Fri 05-Dec-14 15:49:47

I had a similar experience growing up- I didn't have contact with my dad (his choice) but did have contact with his mother for many years. She was aware of the situation & during the time I saw her, he was never there or called. I think she told him she was busy. I know that it makes the grandma look questionable if they are prepared to lie to their own son, but in my experience that's generally only because they are desperate to see their grandchild, they are aware that at any moment the contact could stop (as it could have in my case, if my father had been there when I saw her & my mother would have stopped it) & so usually are respectful of the mother's wishes as my grandma was. Maybe let her try an hour or so with both you & your DD, somewhere neutral so that you can judge her for yourself & go from there?

1luvgosling Fri 05-Dec-14 16:32:25

Thanks,that's helpful. Did you ever feel confused as to why u didn't see your dad? I thought of meeting her first alone as I need to know her before she could see dd.

HerrenaHarridan Fri 05-Dec-14 16:41:21

Hi gosling

It's completely ok to want to meet her first. She probably won't be impressed but if you just calmly explain that you don't know her from Adam and your just trying to act in the best interests of dd she she should understand.

Bring her onside, say things like, I'm sure you're lovely but I just need to see that for myself and I don't want dd to get her heart broken.

At initial meeting encourage her to commit to 1,3 or 6 monthly visits. Any kind if continuity. If she doesn't seem keen then I would offer to allow her to send cards for birthday and christmas till dd is old enough to decide for herself.

She may yet turn out to be a wonderful loving grandma and I applaud her decision to contact you direct if fathers being a knob.

The more people who love your child the better IMO!

I'm in a sort of similar situation and happy to pm with you

Ems1812 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:51:39

Once I got to the age of 4/5 and started school, I did start to feel confused as I saw friends with their dads & asked my mum who explained that I do have a dad, he just wasn't ready to be a dad yet & that it wasn't my fault. As I was so young, that was enough for me & I only really questioned it further when I was a teenager. Having other members of family in my life definitely helped fill any void that could have been there & it never really affected me. Luckily with my son, I don't have this issue but if I did, I would definitely meet the grandma just to give her a chance, just so that you can say that you tried. Then if in a few years time, your DD starts to question her dad & his family, at least you know you did everything you could & any lack of trying is on them

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman Fri 05-Dec-14 17:52:06

Slightly different tack, but as a family historian I've helped several people who for one reason or another grew up with very little knowledge of one side of the family.

Some are in their 60s. As they got older, it became really important to them to find out more about where they came from, not just parents but further back. To the point they were spending money trying to find out.

So, separate from considering a relationship now, you might also want to look to the future and ensure there's at least a bit of information you can pass on, when your DD wants to know. It doesn't feel like a priority when they're tiny - but then the older generation die and bam! chance gone.

1luvgosling Fri 05-Dec-14 23:45:48

When dd asks about her father I say something similar 'u do have a daddy he just wasn't able to do the job, so I do it by myself', at present that is enough for her but I know the questions will go further as time goes on, I need to meet her first. She has said that there is no rush and she hasn't told her son about her contacting me which makes me feel better- its all such a mess. I have also considered her knowing her family history as it seems odd not to know. So much to think about. hmm

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman Fri 05-Dec-14 23:47:46

Lots of good luck, whatever you decide.

HonestLie Sun 07-Dec-14 11:12:55

My DDS has no contact with her Dad but we see his Mum fortnightly.

The difference in my situation is she is also my ExMil and has always known DDS. There have been many problems but none of which are the ones you are concerned about and more to do with the fact that she doesn't like that I left her son and she has them been stuck with him living with her the past 3 years. Meet her, try and get to know her and take it from there. It's a process so take it one step at a time.

HonestLie Sun 07-Dec-14 11:12:59

My DDS has no contact with her Dad but we see his Mum fortnightly.

The difference in my situation is she is also my ExMil and has always known DDS. There have been many problems but none of which are the ones you are concerned about and more to do with the fact that she doesn't like that I left her son and she has them been stuck with him living with her the past 3 years. Meet her, try and get to know her and take it from there. It's a process so take it one step at a time.

HonestLie Sun 07-Dec-14 11:13:23

DD not DDS

TrendStopper Tue 09-Dec-14 14:50:16

My dd doesn't see her dad but was in contact with her great grandparents since me & her dad split. A couple of months ago the contact just stopped. My dd has never had an explanation why they don't bother anymore. It is a shame because my dd liked being connected to her dads family. Not much I can do about it unfortunately.

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