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i feel so guilty denying kids a father but he's not very nice?

(24 Posts)
cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 09:59:47

Hi, I've changed name for this as I need to keep it anonymous! Just at my wits end and desperately need outside opinions as I feel like I'm going crazy and like I've been ten rounds in a boxing ring. It is long, sorry...

Ok so couple of years back I met this guy. I already had a kid from a prev marriage but had been single for years. He seemed perfect, it moved too fast n I stupidly let him move in with us after a few months as he lost his house. He was very young, early twenties, I'm a bit older. He got on great with my son. Was so glad my son had a dad at last as his is a dead beat one.

I got pregnant, he got incredibly violent and controlling, he destroyed my whole house. I stayed as I didn't know the first thing about dv and he used to cry and be really sorry afterwards, and blame it all on me, often I found myself apologising. Hed go mad if I ever tried to leave him. I was not blameless in this as I know i wound him up, it was a very mutually abusive tense relationship. I am a gentle person by nature but go crazy if I feel trapped, I'm ashamed to say. His hitting and house destroying really took off when i became pregnant, it was very very scary abd extreme and i didn't know how to get rid of him and thought my child would suffer if I did, also he wouldn't let me go on pain of death. social services found out through my doctor about my injuries and told me it was the kids or him. I chose the kids obviously- one was still in my tummy, the kids are everything to me

It was a huge relief to be away from him but my son said he missed him, as he was a fun dad when he wasn't being aggressive.

He received a jail sentence for the abuse but managed to manipulate me into writing a letter to the court on appeal saying he had changed and wanted to be a good dad and be put on aperpetrators programme. Which I faithfully did.especially as I'd felt it was all my fault to begin with.

So he was. It only made his abuse worse, it just turned emotional instead of physical. All the time he was working on change, the kids had no contact with him as due to my new found education I realised the harm it would cause. He had limited contact eventually, supervised by ss but used this contact to get to me. One time he had our baby he literally spent the session following me round town paranoid I'd moved on, giving no attention to baby.

He relapsed into drinking , I left him for good, he was arrested for harassment and ss ordered no contact at all when they saw his manipulative texts trying to bring me down n get contact through the back door. To this day he blames me for literally everything and is very bitter and angry that I ruined his life. He already had an extensive criminal record before me, people told me, but he says I destroyed him

So we got away finally. We were happy and doing so well without him. Kids taken off the at risk register. Moved on with our life.

Fast forward two years and he got in touch again saying how much he hated me for denying him his kids, ruining his life and being an evil mum for denying the kids their dad. My eldest is by this point at school with extreme behaviour problems due to him mimicking this man.

I foolishly gave in, and replied. It has led to two months of me begging for space, feeling trapped, everything i say twisted.he won't give me any space. Luckily he doesn't know where we live. I stood strong n said if he wanted supervised contact I needed To know he is clean n stable first and because he's lied in the past I said he would need proof of this ie holding down a job for a period of time, respecting me etc . Also said I couldn't hold his hand through it.

After id deflected much more attempted manipulation and abuse he finally agreed to give me space for 4 months. He's basically been on amassive bender since we split. Thought he was just angry cos he was irritable from withdrawal so gave him a chance.i need to stress any contact he ever had would have to be through a contact centre and fully supervised as I do not trust him not do I ever want to be around him but he does have some virtues as a dad.

One week into the 3 months space and he draws me into conversation yet again!!!! He tried to soften me by telling me he loved me etc but I don t fall for it...i take a look at his twitter, turns out he has a serious gambling problem, and a quick google says he has spent every moment since we were in touch stalking women' through social media, which would be fine if he'd been looking for work too but he can't be arsed I don't think as he seems to feel it is unfair I said he needed to work when I don't. asked him to buy his daughter an item as I'm broke, he said he had no money. For all his words I think he really is lazy and wants to access the kids through tugging ny heartstrings. I'm ashamed to say ilost it, told him what I think I had bad pmt n I just went mad , then again I didn't want contact in the first place. It calmed down n I calmly told him he is having abad effect on me, and I just don't think we can ever have contact.

Now getting the usual texts about how I am evil, the devil, the abuse was all my fault - he's got a new one, that he went to prison out of love and commitment to his family when he could have just pled not guilty as I have a history of depression!or absconded. He says he is a brilliant dad. I was so annoyed as I work hard to bring up the kids alone n he is overlooking that.

I can't be in touch with this guy he's impossible. He twists everything. He lays on huuuuge guilt trips when I tell him to leave me alone and go through court at my wits end. Contact with him leaves me to weak n tired to be a good mum, I told him this abd he said I am a disrespectful little shit n need to stop being so selfish. I feel bad though for getting angry at him yesterday:-(

Can't cope I'm like azombie this morning from it all and I just want him to go away but as he says he is the kids father and the has threatened suicide a thousand times if I lose contact with him. But I have tried so many times and it always ends in me being drained n a worse mum.

What would you do??? Is there a way I can have no contact with him ever if we have a child together? He is always talking about his rights but I'm more concerned for the kids safety and my mental wellbeing but as he says, he is a father. At my wits end sorry this is so incoherent. I would appreciate even short replies saying what you would personally do. Many many thanks for trawling through my Long epic ramblings!!

Basically will try to but

Only1scoop Fri 05-Dec-14 10:09:37

No contact whatsoever ....if the harassment continues Inform police. Protect you family and yourself from this animal.

He has shown you exactly who he is and his capabilities. please believe him.

He hasn't changed despite the help he has been given. He sounds worse infact.

In a moment of weakness you wanted to believe he has changed. He won't.

Only1scoop Fri 05-Dec-14 10:12:07

And Op Never ever feel guilty for protecting your dc.

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 10:17:21

It literally has made me cry reading that, I am so used to his take on things.

It is such a relief to have a licence to let go.

thank you so much xxx

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 10:22:42

I am so scared of the future though, he says when my children are older he will track them down and tell them "she denied you your loving father because he had a twitter account" - it just isn't about that, though. He doesn't get it that I don't want contact.

He says if he had contact with the kids without me being in touch with him I would be denying the kids a team of parents, and I am a selfish tyrant for considering it..

Is this normal? Is it imperative that parents are in contact? Am I missing sonething? My own mum and dad didn't get on and I'd have loved to see them separately tbh

PatriciaHolm Fri 05-Dec-14 11:11:08

Social services have already told you it's the kids or him once. Don't risk them having to do it again - or deciding you can't safely be relied on to make that choice.

Delete his number, change yours. No contact. Your children are worth more than this, and so are you.

daisystone Fri 05-Dec-14 11:18:32

No contact is the only way. You keep re-opening this wound and it will hurt every time. Avoid all contact completely and the wound will heal (not completely but enough). When your children are much much older, old enough to understand, you can explain why they did not see their father. Until then, you make up a story as to why he is not around.

You put them first always and you look after their safety. A lot of us have to deal with bullies and manipulators and it is a hellish experience, but you will make it harder for yourself it you let his man back into your lives again and again.

I know what it is like to want to believe someone desperately, but actions speak louder than words.

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 11:34:03

PatriciaHolm - thank you, you just slapped me back into reality from the fog I've been in. If social services knew we were even back in touch, loud alarm bells would probably sound although I don't know if their opinion changes as time goes by, cos the guy might have changed etc.

Not worth that risk though. Seriously .

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 11:41:57

Daisystone - thanks, you're spot on too.. The problem is because of my angry outburst yesterday and cos of the things he is now filling my email inbox with, I feel like he's right about me and I am being unreasonable. He pointed out in one that iam crazy, my mates all describe me as mad, and I have ahistory of mental illness (went to doctor for depression ten years ago, nothing since). When we were together he frogmarched me to the doctor to say I was crazy and needed counselling for not trusting him. I got counselling but the counsellor literally said my issues were not paranoia, but the fact that I was with a known liar!

Yet still!!! The way he puts things I just take it all in and wonder if he's right and I can't see clearly. It's hell

I just am dreading the future. Dreading what he is going to tel my children about me one day . He's so persuasive he even persuades me I'm evil and mad and vindictive. So they will probably just take it all in, my son already has no respect for me after being exposed to him.

I half feel i need to keep him sweet to stop this happening, or with him being suicidal god knows what he would do, thank god he doesn't even know what town we live in

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 11:43:39

Is there a way to bounce emails on a windows phone??

pickles184 Fri 05-Dec-14 12:13:00

It sounds as though you have been through the mill OP, you really need to stop responding to any form of communication. If needs be look in to taking out a court order to prevent contact and go straight to the police if he doesn't abide by it. You need to protect your dc before concerning yourself with his idle threats of harming himself. I say idle because it is a regular threat to make you comply with his wishes, he needs to seek help himself if he is having real suicidal thoughts, but it doesn't sound like that is the case here.

In between times I think it is well worth counselling for both you and DS to come to terms with and learn to move on from this toxic man. The last thing you want is DS thinking that you and other women are not worth respecting because you stood up to an abusive person to protect those you love.

Yes in normal none abusive situations the children deserve to spend time with both parents irrespective of whether the parents get on. This is not a normal situation, if you have any suspicion at all that he will harm you or your children then he has no rights at all with regards to contact.

pickles184 Fri 05-Dec-14 12:16:09

You can report his e-mails to your provider, they should be able to block him. Alternatively you could change your e-mail address?

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 12:30:26

Hi pickles, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and encouraging me to stay strong.

I don't have the option of reporting him to the police this time as he could just show them the emails where I called him a patronising c*n't when I was angry, and make me look mad! He claims last time I reported him the police agreed with him that I was a "vindictive b*tch" which I find unlikely as they were very concerned by what he was writing and wanted a panic button put in my home..

Reporting him for harassment did work last time though. He got a year suspended sentence and left me alone until the week after it was up!!!

Counselling is a great idea - will mention it to his speech and language therapist. He went to a course through w.a. But it hasn't solved it.

Great idea about the emails, will contact them now smile

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 12:45:05

Managed not to respond all day and it's been a productive one, I feel energised. Do keep thinking "should I send one last one" but the answer is no as it gives him more ammunition

Waiting to hear back from email provider smile

daisystone Fri 05-Dec-14 13:49:55

It is called 'gaslighting' when they try to make you feel as though you are mad, or when they tell everyone else you are mad.

My ex likes to do that too. "look, she is obviously crazy!" etc etc

I wasn't crazy before I met him but I might be a bit now after having to deal with him smile They will say anything they can to put you in a bad light and to be seen as some kind of victim. Men like to make women out to be crazy and irrational - it feeds into the stereotype. Mine has done it time and time again - now I just think "here we go again..." and try not to think about it too much.

Take the opportunity of never having to deal with him again. The relief you will feel! Oh, if only I never had to deal with my ex, I would jump for joy and shout from the rooftops. As it is, I have to see the arse every week. I hate every second of it. There is always a silver lining....

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 14:10:10

Wow good to know I'm not the only one,Daisy!
That's a good point. I wish I had never responded to him in the first place. I guess I should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he's not on the birth certificate and wil never be able to afford court fees, in a million years. And just move forward without him. If my kids ever ask about him I have social services documentation and newspaper articles proving exactly why he can't see them

cestlavielife Fri 05-Dec-14 17:38:32

just go no contact.
whatever he claims you said, don't worry, you have paper trail and reports from sS etc keep a file so you can tell your ds when he is adult... just report if he harasses you.
your son does not need this man in his life.
have you had counselling for you?

cestlavielife Fri 05-Dec-14 17:40:15

ps if, from today on you contact this man and let him get involved in ds life -then yes YOU should feel guilty.

it's what you do from TODAY onwards that counts...

for what has gone, for denying him contact; absolutely no guilt at all.

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 17:52:29

Thanks c'est la vie! Yeah that's a good attitude to keep in mind. I sent one last email stating clearly I wanted him to leave me alone for good then blocked him so any further contact would be harassment...

I had domestic abuse counselling and normal counselling but the counsellor said I seemed really switched on n sorted and I just should avoid men like that for a stable life! I do have atendency to take the blame alot and feel guilty and abusers play on that. I've Never met anyone quite as much of a headfuck as him before though.... He has a fraud conviction from when he fleeced pensioners out of thousands pretending it was for charity. He's an incredible actor but behind it his eyes are dead

Thanks to you all for your help today. Day 1 of the rest of our lives :-)

Only1scoop Fri 05-Dec-14 19:57:19

Op thinking of you and you can do this thanks

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 20:32:49

Thanks only1! Feel really happy positive and upbeat now that I can't see his emails and texts. They're so wearing. I feel so bad for anyone who has to deal with a person like that on a regular basis like Daisystone. You must be so strong. I feel so sorry for his future girlfriends / boyfriends too. He's incredibly difficult to get along with. He has this attitude of entitlement and worst victim mentality I've ever encountered!!!

Starlightbright1 Sat 06-Dec-14 18:01:32

Only just read this thread..Well done for blocking him...Make sure he is blocked on twitter , FB anywhere else you have an account...My Ex was only ever interested in seeing my DS to get to me.

I learnt no response is better..He loves every time you get angry..SS have said no contact. As your Ds has struggled with what he has experienced you don't want him or your daughter again.

Re your DS is he still struggling..My DS got counselling through women's aid they went into school .

Good luck with the new start

Didactylos Sat 06-Dec-14 21:36:19

a thought it might be worht looking into the freedom program for yourself as a way of analysing and unpicking his behaviour - it might help you see through his strategies and help you keep clear of him

and remember you are not preventing a loving father having a relationship with his kids, you are taking the best possible care of them by preventing a violent and untrustworthy liar tormenting you all with no regard for their welfare. At an appropriate age you can explain the difference to them.

good luck op and stay strong

cauliflowerfairy Sat 06-Dec-14 22:05:52

Starlight - yes he is blocked! From everything, and if he found a way around it I'd delete what he said the second I saw who it was from.. My ds is struggling hugely, he is very violent and mimics my ex to a scary extent, I'm at my wits end but accessing support from school and cahms. I am reluctant to let any man near my family again after that.

Didactylos - yeah I've read freedom programme material, it is so enlightening! As is Lundy bancroft's book "why does he do that' it really helped me break free the first time. But I thought he might have changed in the last two years.... Magically.... I'm so gutted to be honest at how this has turned out. But at least I know I tried, though half wish I hadn't as its brought me down at an already stressful time of year.

Hard to ignore him as I'm so used to having to keep track of his mood s so ifeel safe.. But his words wind me up so much I feel compelled to reply, best not to even read it.

Feel so free, and you guys have helped so much in keeping me strong. I daren't really tel l many of my mates we were even in touch as they would shout at me! Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and experiences. And giving me a boot up the ass!

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