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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

I am upset, Christmas plans gone poof!

79 replies

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:31

Bit of background: I have been divorced for a long time, 2 DC, XH lives abroad.

He has barely bothered with the DC for over a year, has not seen them at all and has spoken to them on the phone a handful of times. To add to that he has not paid any maintenance for almost 2 years now and is getting away with it due to his living abroad. I have filled out all the paperwork for a REMO but it is taking forever and a day.

Right, DC and I had made plans for Christmas, Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, planned our Christmas Day menu and walk, activity for Boxing Day....all lovely.

Tonight XH called to speak to the DC, the first time in literally months. He is apparently booking tickets for them tomorrow to go and see him for the entire Christmas break. The DC are understandably very excited! He is their dad and they miss him.

I am so happy for them that XH has finally shown some interest again and is making the effort to see them. I have been in tears since they have been asleep though. Because he did not have the decency to discuss this with me before breaking the news to the DC I will now be spending Christmas on my own.

Maybe I am being petty, I don't know, but it hurts that he has not bothered - at all! - and I have. Yet, at this precious time of year he gets to barge in and ruin all the plans DC and I had made. I hear you thinking and yes, of course I could tell him to go do one but the DC are at an age where I would be the bad guy if I stopped them going (never have stopped him seeing them, nor would I ever!) and Christmas would not be the enjoyable one we had planned.

I know there is no advice you can really give me but I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you if you made it to the end!!!

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Waltermittythesequel · 02/12/2014 23:35

I'm sorry. That's shit.

If it were me, I would handle their disappointment and put my foot down. This is just unacceptable!

They'll get over it, possibly quicker than you imagine. What's wrong with him having them between Boxing Day and New Years? Or even for New Years! Why Christmas? He's a dick.

LadySybilLikesCake · 02/12/2014 23:35

Personally, I'd tell him no for this year. Maybe next year if he takes an interest in them over the next 12 months and contacts them on a regular basis. A bit of DNA doesn't make a daddy, time and effort does. They probably see the bloke on the Tesco checkout more but you wouldn't consider sending them to spend Christmas with him, so this shouldn't be any different.

MaryC123 · 02/12/2014 23:39

Oh bless you, sorry I have no advice, but my heart is breaking for you. The children will probably be in their 30's before they fully appreciate the selflessness you have shown this xmas. You're a better person than me, I would have told him to split the time. xx

Psycobabble · 02/12/2014 23:40

Don't think you are being petty at all!! Your there for them all year ten he finally decides to make a grand gesture and expects you to drop all your plans ! He sounds a disrespectful prick! If he had any decency he would have asked your opinion first at least rather than putting you in a situation were you look like the bad guy if you tell the kids they can't go !!

You deserve to have Christmas with your kids I'd say he doesn't deserve to ! Can he rearrange for new year ? I'm sure the kids will be just as excited to go see him then ??

Selfish selfish twat !!

LadySybilLikesCake · 02/12/2014 23:43

He's the worst sort of absent parent. Feckless and treats them like toys to pick up and put down when he pleases. I'd tell them (and him) that you already have plans for Christmas. 3 weeks before and he drops this? He can fluck right off! I don't blame you for being angry, he's trying to walk right over you.

I hope you get the REMO sorted out. It helps to push the court along

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:43

Walter , it would be more than disappointment. Both DC have suffered quite a bit - obviously- from the limited contact and the no face to face for over a year. I think I am still a bit in shock that he so blatantly barged in with this - not like me to actually be stuck for words! Maybe tomorrow my fighting spirit will have returned a bit...

Lady , I agree, his donation years ago does not make him a daddy. You try telling that to two DC who have missed their "daddy" desperately. Different kettle of fish then.

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CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:48

Yes Lady, I am pushing the courtS...there are 3 different ones involved due to nationalities, situ of divorce and current locations - just makes for extra fun!

He is indeed a selfish, selfish twat and a wankstain on the face of humanity. Always has been and always will be. Years of therapy after the EA I endured from him have shown me it really him and not me. Yet....yet...he throws something like this at me and it still takes my breath away and I am momentarily dumbstruck all over again.

So as well as being angry with him I am equally angry with myself for allowing him to make me feel that way again and "giving Christmas with DC away"

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LadySybilLikesCake · 02/12/2014 23:49

My ex did exactly the same, Captain. He left the UK when ds was 3 and didn't see him for 3 years afterwards. I get that they miss him, Christmas isn't the time for him to have them for any length of time when they have heard naff all from him for months.

LadySybilLikesCake · 02/12/2014 23:50

This is his way to be abusive towards you, yet again. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that he's got no chance. Maybe next year if he puts in the effort to build a relationship with them, but not with 3 weeks notice.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/12/2014 23:52

Wouldn't it be a shame if you slept in and missed the flight....

Seriously though, I would stand my ground on this. Could you explain to the dc that you are thrilled to have them go see their father but it won't be possible until the 27th at least?

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 02/12/2014 23:56

Last year he did book them tickets for Christmas to go and see him. He gave us the incorrect flight information - we were at Gatwick when we should have been at LHR and the DC missed their flight. He was absolutely furious, tried to blame it on eldest DC saying he had given them the correct information when I know for a fact he had not.

He fully expected me to shell out well over £1,500 to book new flights. I told him to fuck himself sideways with something sharp.

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TheCowThatLaughs · 03/12/2014 00:03

I think you're well within your rights to say no. Do you think he told you the wrong airport on purpose? Protect your dcs from further disappointment

RandomFriend · 03/12/2014 00:04

Informing the children first and springing it on you just before Christmas is not on. If he wants to invite the children for Christmas, he should have asked you back in September to discuss dates.

Assuming he tells you the correct airport this time, do you trust him to put them on the flight to come back?

CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 00:06

He gets bored easily, so yes he would put them on that flight back

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Aradia · 03/12/2014 00:10

Tell him to go fuck himself. Offer him from the day after Boxing Day, seriously. He's not doing this for them, if he gave a shit he would make an effort the rest of the year, he's doing this to hurt you. Arsewipe.

Stand up for yourself. He is relying on you feeling too guilty not to. He really couldn't give a crap about his kids feelings could he?

TheCowThatLaughs · 03/12/2014 00:12

Don't send them. If he wants to see them he'll make an effort to see them at another time. If he doesn't bother you'll know his motivation was to wind you up. And it sounds like it might all fall through at the last minute anyway.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/12/2014 00:12

tried to blame it on eldest DC

Lovely!

Fucking prick.

Don't let him do this!

sandgrown · 03/12/2014 00:13

Not sure what to say but understand your confusion. If the flights are not booked can you arrange for them to fly out on boxing day then you can arrange to do something with friends or family and maybe not miss them as much. It is unfair for ex to have DC all holiday.

digger123 · 03/12/2014 00:14

Re the EA...are the DC of an age where he can inflict the same on them? Just a thought...

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/12/2014 00:14

Yup. He'll get their hopes up, upset you and he'll drop it all at the last minute leaving you to clean up the mess.

Tell him you've made plans and it's not convenient, then hang up. If he calls, just ignore the phone. You can't do this, it's a power thing and the last thing you want to do is give him power.

DixieNormas · 03/12/2014 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 03/12/2014 00:18

do not let him do this.

i am ten years down the line of this type of behaviour.

you are in charge here. i know you will feel bad telling the kids you already have plans but don't.

you have to slow them and him you will not be trampled over or dismissed. he hasnt earned any right or trust to just do this on a whim.

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CaptainCorellisVentolin · 03/12/2014 00:23

You are all completely right. I am going to send him a message now.

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LadySybilLikesCake · 03/12/2014 00:25

Good for you! Then turn your phone off. You don't need to answer him and he will rant at you because you've taken the power off him. EA men want you to do as your told and will do whatever they can to make sure that you do. Don't engage.

Talk to your DC tomorrow. Remind them of last year and tell them that you've already made plans for a wonderful Christmas.

TheCowThatLaughs · 03/12/2014 00:26

Tell him it won't be happening then don't engage any further with him. You're doing the right thing!

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