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DS's dad always turning up late and leaving early

(8 Posts)
ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 10:28:48

That's it really. His contact and interest in our son has dropped significantly since he got a new girlfriend and it is so frustrating.

Before he got a new girlfriend although he wasn't a wonderful dad at least he saw DS often and made an effort. He would have DS while I was working which was sometimes 10+ hours and it was fine and I trusted him but since he got a new girlfriend he doesn't seem to play with DS and its like he wants to be elsewhere.
His attitude has got so bad it's at the point where I don't trust him to have DS alone anymore.
He does no parenting what so ever, just turns up half heartedly plays and leaves.

We both are happy with him coming to my house to see DS I should also add, he lives far away and couldn't be arsed to learn to drive while I was pregnant despite me offering to pay so therefore he has to get the bus here and back which is too long of a journey for DS. And tbh he probably wouldn't be bothered to anyway!

Does anyone have any advice about him always arriving late and leaving early? He's currently an hour late and I am sick of it. He doesn't even bother to let me know he's going to be late and acts like I'm the one being unreasonable. He knows he's welcome to stay as long as he wants, I am more than fair to him.

I raise our child alone 24-7 and he can't even manage to get here for the time he said. It's ridiculous! I am doing a university course and every free hour I can get is important so while DS sees his dad I do my work and neither seem to be happening.

It's not the end of the world at the moment because DS is too young to understand but I want to nip this in the bud before DS gets older and is sat waiting for his dad to show up sad

Should I tell his dad if he's late he can't see him? It feels harsh but I'm not sure what other way to try kick his arse into shape and realise I wont let him carry on and potentially hurt our son like this.

No flaming please if I've said anything that could have been taken the wrong way. Constructive comments only please, I DO NOT want to stop contact before someone accuses me of that I just want him to realise he can't do what he wants and he has a responsibility to his child.

Thank you for any advice!

dayshiftdoris Tue 25-Nov-14 10:36:16

The bottom line is you can only control your own actions. You need to be the consistent parent and let him make his own decisions about how he wants to prioritise parenting.

My ex chose to prioritise other things... I could have written your post 9 years ago and I haven't seen my ex for 8 years.

Learn to have no reliance on him for childcare - just be open to him having his son when he chooses to.

ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 10:43:20

That's very worrying that you can see similarities in your DC's father and that he soon stopped contact.

He's finally bothered to let me know he has apparently been throwing up all night and would still like to come see DS. I have refused because I have missed enough time from uni because of both DS and me being ill and because I struggle to cope when we are both throwing up, it's incredibly difficult to care for a toddler when you're hanging over a toilet.

Sometimes I feel his dad only comes to see him because his mother will be disappointed if he doesn't sad

dayshiftdoris Tue 25-Nov-14 10:53:16

Thats the link you need to break.... he should be there for your DS.

I did things like finding them a group to go to, going out when he got there and making it clear that he was there to see his son, not me. It's when that penny dropped the contact dropped off but ultimately that IS what it is about and I think for most men the relationship they build with the child pulls them through.

ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 11:00:15

It's definitely since he got a new girlfriend that things turned bad and since I've got a new partner he's cancelled twice in a row when before he has never cancelled once.
It could be a coincidence but it seems too much of one!

Sometimes I wish he'd just leave us be but I know that isn't best for DS. I want them to have a close relationship but I can't see it happening anytime soon

cestlavielife Tue 25-Nov-14 15:19:02

you can only control what you do. you cant control what your ex does.
you cant make them have a close relationship.
get a network of friends/family to give you a break etc. or paid childcare. you cannot rely on your ex.

having said that, someone your child sees only rarely can still be close to them, have a good bond - it totally depends on the person.

sandra159 Tue 25-Nov-14 18:05:27

Is there anyone else that can look after your DS? You could say to your ex that you don't need him on X day as he was unreliable so you've found an alternative? Might shock him and make him feel a little pushed out enough to pull his weight.

ProfessorPickles Tue 25-Nov-14 19:52:15

Fortunately I have a supportive family so I do have people who can have DS but because his dad works random shifts that plan would never be able to work unfortunately as he has to ask when we are free to see DS, that would have been a good idea aswell!

Thank you for the suggestion!

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