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Would my daughter call me mum ?

(53 Posts)
Krissy1980 Sun 23-Nov-14 13:21:45

Hi

I am a transgender single dad who is going through the transition to being a woman, there is another thread I started that explains it all.

My daughter has not seen me as a woman even though physically I am very feminine due to hormones, I still live as a man. However I am hoping to make the change in the next few months. But what would my daughter call me ? Would she call me mum ? I would like her to but she's only nearly 6 and I don't know if it would be to strange for her ?

Krissy x

quietlysuggests Sun 23-Nov-14 13:26:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quietlysuggests Sun 23-Nov-14 13:27:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krissy1980 Sun 23-Nov-14 13:30:22

She has no contact with her, she left us years ago, the last I heard she lives in Spain, I have not spoke to her in many years and would have no idea how to get in contact with her. She has no idea I am even transgender.

Krissy x

quietlysuggests Sun 23-Nov-14 13:38:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krissy1980 Sun 23-Nov-14 13:47:01

Thanks for the advice its appreciated. To be honest I look more like a woman now as I've been taking hormones for the past 3 years. My DD has been asking questions for a while now. She has never seen me in female clothes or with makeup and so on because I've felt so scared how she would react, I dont want her to feel she is loosing her dad as she has already lost her mum. But I cant hide anymore and now is the time to come out and be my real self. Once again thank you.

Krissy x

TtipParty Sun 23-Nov-14 19:42:33

You could take it slowly with the clothes and makeup. After all most mums I know live in jeans and no makeup. Perhaps just switch to the woman's version of what you normally wear and take it from there? And let her call you whatever comes naturally to her

purpleroses Sun 23-Nov-14 19:49:23

I'd guess she's old enough for a conversation about what you're doing and what she could call you. If she's not comfortable with mum maybe she could use your name, or some nickname you devise. Do you get any sort of counselling regarding the change, where they might advise how to help your DD handle it? She'll need to work out how she refers to you to friends too.

Krissy1980 Sun 23-Nov-14 20:06:14

Thanks for the advice everyone. Its a complicated situation that I've made worse by being so secretive and not doing this correctly, its only a few weeks ago that I went to see a gp and told them id been self medicating with female hormones for over 3 years. I have now been referred to the hospital so hopefully I can move forward and get help from them. I wear some female cloths now not that my daughter would notice though. I wear bras and knickers and my daughter does know this, but I wear female jeans due to having a big bum and hips and women's jeans just fit me better, but theres no way she would know there just jeans.

Thanks again
Krissy x

Isabeller Sun 23-Nov-14 20:14:32

Good luck, I hope it all goes really well for you.

I recently came across the brilliant Welcome to the Family which is very good about the varieties of ways people choose to live and different ways we are families.

flowers

quietlysuggests Sun 23-Nov-14 21:20:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krissy1980 Sun 23-Nov-14 21:32:35

Why oh dear ? Lol

cestlavielife Sun 23-Nov-14 23:42:38

I think you should seek done professional support .

IneedAwittierNickname Mon 24-Nov-14 00:09:02

I have no advice but just wanted to say good luck smile flowers

campingfilth Mon 24-Nov-14 11:09:22

I think kids are pretty resilient and will accept what you say as long as it is said appropriately. At my DS primary school there is a transgendered Mum who one minute was dressed as a man and then came as a woman to pick her kids up (I'm sure it was bit more involved than that but from an outsiders perspective it happened that way). Plus there is a child who started this term as a girl, very supported by the school.

I've discussed this subject with my DS in normal conversation as we live in a very diverse area and go to Pride every year. Have you spoke to the school at all? You may find that they could give you some advice.

Good luck and hope you are much happier in yourself.

SavoyCabbage Mon 24-Nov-14 11:29:08

I think it's a great idea to just start wearing everyday women's tshirts, jeans, converse etc.

Do you know any other non-traditional families? That helps I think. Knowing that there are lots of other people who are living all sorts of different lives.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Mon 24-Nov-14 11:37:30

I'm slightly confused how you could be taking female hormones for 3 years, so when your daughter was 3. But still effectively living a double life. are you in the uk? As I thought you had to live as the gender you wish to be known as for about a year before any treatment happened on the nhs, as my trans friends did.
Do you change into a "dad" persona when you have any contact with your daughter? That must be extremely difficult for your mental stability.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Mon 24-Nov-14 11:39:26

And the answer to your actual question, your daughter would call you whatever she wanted to, after you spoke to her about it.
Could be dad or mum, it's really for her to decide.

Thumbwitch Mon 24-Nov-14 11:41:28

I'm sure there must be other people in your situation who've had to deal with this - are you part of any forums for transgender people? Have you asked there? What do they suggest?

SezaMcGregor Mon 24-Nov-14 12:56:24

I think that you need to speak to your daughter. Only she can tell you what she feels is right for her. If she doesn't feel comfortable to call you mum, she could call you your name or have a fond nickname for you?

I'd also speak to her about the Genderbread persona and explain about your gender having nothing to do with what people see you as or what's between your legs, but what's in your heart.

I've been following an old friend of mine transition over the last few years, it's been difficult for her but I'm so proud of her for her courage and perseverance. I'd also recommend trans forums - there will be other mums in your shoes who have been through this and come out of the other side.

Best wishes <thanks>

Krissy1980 Mon 24-Nov-14 20:59:24

Thanks for all your advice everyone. Yes i guess she will call me what she wants lol it has to be what she feels comfortable with. I am dreading having this conversation with her im just not good with explaining things. She has asked questions a lot the past year especially and i have struggled to explain things.

The reason im in this situation was because i was foolish. I self medicate with female hormones that i get from an online pharmacy. Its dangerous and expensive but i was desperate and i had this horrible fear that if i went doctors with this they would see me as an unfit parent and i would loose my daughter, i have been in a very bad place the past 3 years. It was only 4 weeks ago now that i actually went to a gp and told him everything. I have now been referred to the hospital to see a specialist.

But even now the only reason i went to the gp was because i can no longer pass as a man, my body has changed massively over the last year, trying to hide a pair of 38DD breasts is impossible, up until 6 months ago i was a 38B and that was a struggle but i could do it. Its not just the breasts its my whole body shape and even face has changed to some extent. I just dont look or feel like a man which is what i want but now i have to live and come out as the person ive turned in to.

Krissy x

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Mon 24-Nov-14 23:43:48

That makes sense then, if you get in contact with lgbt or trans groups, as they were invaluable to my friends.

Krissy1980 Tue 25-Nov-14 10:01:17

Just from talking on here the last few days ive decided to try to wear a woman's tshirt and jeans today, I've also took my hair out its pony tail and I'm going to have it down, I want to see if my daughter notices or says anything, if she does I feel like I need to tell her today, I feel optimistic for the first time in a while, and I think this forum has helped me feel like that, thanks everyone

Krissy x

Thumbwitch Tue 25-Nov-14 11:08:09

Good luck Krissy! thanks smile

RoseyHope Tue 25-Nov-14 11:15:58

Best of luck Krissy! Please do have a google for some trans specific support forums/groups. There are loads on the first page, and they could really help with the more practical, day-to-day stuff that you're wondering about. flowers

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