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Strongly suspect ex is smoking cannabis - what to do about contact with son

(7 Posts)
wonderstuff99 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:23:46

Hi all,

I really need some advice about what to do on this issue.

I borrowed his car today (I'm still on the insurance so he lends it to me sometimes) and when I got in, I got what I thought was a strong smell of cannabis. When I picked my mum up, she opened the door and exclaimed loudly before mouthing to me that she had got a strong whiff of weed. I hadn't told her I had smelled it. My 5 year old also mentioned that there was a horrible smell.

Now I have actually sat and thought about events over the past week, things seems to be falling into place. When I used the car for some food shopping last week, I got a whiff. When he dropped our son off on Wednesday evening after being at his house, I kissed his head (sons's!) and got a funny scent which instinctively thought was cannabis. When I called him on Thursday to tell him something about our child, I remarked afterwards to my mum that he sounded stoned.

He has a history of smoking it. He never smoked it when we were together but we separated in 2012 and lived apart and he confessed to me he had started smoking it again during that period. He claimed he was never stoned when looking after our son during that time but I was unsure of whether to believe him then.

We split in June of this year after he tried to hit me (something he denies) and I chose to call the police to remove him from the house. He had been depressed up until that point and had resisted any help from me. Directly after this incident, I refused to let him see our son unsupervised as I wasn't sure I could trust him not to hurt him. But after he seemed to get his head together and he wasn't depressed anymore, the contact resumed.

I am very concerned that if he is smoking cannabis, he will become depressed again and I don't really feel comfortable with him having contact with our son. I have no problem with people smoking weed (their choice) as I am aware that to some people, it has no affect on their day to day skills. However, I do not believe this to be the case with him. I have witnessed his personality change dramatically after smoking cannabis and this, coupled with his depression, makes me very concerned.

His father died this time last year and I am aware it must be playing on his mind. I also know he has not had his contract renewed at work, so he is unemployed. I am worried that this things might have set off his habit as well.

We do not have a great relationship, we are courteous but that's as far as it goes. If I confront him about this, I know he would never in a million years admit it even if I was right. His family have cut me out of the picture, so I can't ask them for advice.

Currently he sees our son for 2-3 hrs on Weds and 3-4 on Sunday. Our son never asks to see him or speak to him and doesn't seem to enjoy going there but I have told him he needs to have a relationship as he's his daddy.

What can I do? Is there anyone I can go to for advice?I don't have hard evidence, but my gut tells me I'm right. The last thing I want is to have to go through this crap. All I want is to move on with our lives and for him to have a good relationship with our child. But I do not want him seeing our son if he is smoking weed.

foolsrushin Sun 23-Nov-14 11:54:02

I know for a fact my ex does and have stopped all contact. He's yet to challenge me on this. I don't think he will though. People can play it down as much as they like but it is affecting his mental health. IMO it is making underlying issues worse. Until he sorts his irrational behaviour out I'll fight him all the way. He's accused me and others of doing things to him with no evidence whatsoever due to his paranoid state. It will have to be judge ordered for me to relent. I know there have been other substances too so no way am I putting my child amongst that. I don't think he'd smoke it in the presence of children but either way he isn't emotionally stable to look after kids. Its up to you hun but I trust my own instincts

foolsrushin Sun 23-Nov-14 21:34:19

Can anyone else help?

Jolleigh Thu 27-Nov-14 20:55:20

It's a tough one. On the one hand, I know what it's like to have a gut feeling like that. I haven't gotten to the point where I believe he's not doing cocaine, but I do believe he's not high when he sees DD so I keep it supervised.

With regards to cannabis, if he's not smoking it around your DC (or you have no proof he is), I have a feeling it won't matter and if you withdrew contact, you'd be winging it. A friend of mine was allowed to foster his niece temporarily despite SS knowing he smokes weed. I was very hmm but apparently it was the lesser evil.

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 12:20:28

Wow this could not have come at abetter time for me. My violent ex was recently in touch again wanting contact(as I've described in another thread) after 2 years of none (ss ordered) and I laid down certain conditions: One of which was that he completely stopped doing weed if he ever wanted a chance of seeing the kids again.

See I felt the same as you, it affects different people differently and he claims it does not affect him at all other than making him apathetic. But with his history of abuse stemming from paranoid delusions I was hard line and said even if he wasn't doing it around the kids, if he wanted to see them ever he must cut it out for good. He doesn't do things by halves. It becomes a lifestyle for him.

Spoke this through with a few mates n they said I was being too controlling, he is entitled to di what he likes when not with the kids.

However reading this thread has changed my opinion a bit...

Loads of parents do smoke weed and their kids are happy and fine. Well I know of a few. that's what got me - if I had a guy who did it very occasionally I wouldn't be as bothered but with him it's just different. I never touch the stuff after a bad experience at uni, even passively inhaling it makes me hallucinate, scary!

Stand your ground, only you know your ex and it is unequivocally disgusting that your son has been exposed to drugs when his little brain is still developing

sandra159 Fri 05-Dec-14 21:45:19

Just stopping by for some advise also , my ex has substance induced psychosis, cannot drink without doing drugs, although he hasn't drunk since 2008 he now has new dp.
Last week at contact he threatens me. Ok I can cope with that. Then DS says he's been drinking jaggers (think he meant jaeger bombs) half he later he says "dad had a massive nose bleed this morning"
Slap bang in the middle if a court case where social services are involved, I'm reluctant the mention it in case it looks like I'm scoring points.
Alarm bells are rigging massively but it would explain his aggressive behaviour.

cauliflowerfairy Fri 05-Dec-14 21:59:56

Sandra - put aside what it looks like and mention it for your child's sake.. The court can order drugs tests

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