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I am a Transgendered single parent who is very lonely and scared.

(22 Posts)
Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 16:04:46

Hi.

I am just starting out on the forum and wanted to say hi. I am a single father to a 6 year old little girl who is my life. The mother of my daughter left us 4 years a go now and moved to spain with another man which left me devastated and very alone trying to bring up my daughter.

I am also transgender and have battled with this all my life never telling anyone my true feelings mainly our of fear and being very confused. When my partner left me i became very depressed and struggled with my gender even more and decided to do some thing about it. So i started to self medicate with female hormones which is very bad, but i was desperate and felt i needed to experiment and be 100% sure i wanted this. My first priority was my baby girl so i felt huge guilt for doing it. For the past 3 years i have been taking hormones and dressing up as a woman in secret so my daughter would not know, i still live my life as a man but im finding it very hard to hide the changes the hormones have caused. The last 6 months or so i have gone through some huge changes and now i feel that ive got to a stage where i must come out as a woman but im so scared and have no idea how.

I have no real friends as such, i have spent the last 3 years concentrating on my daughter and trying to give her the best i can, the friends i thought i had seem to avoid me and im very lonely. I guess im here to just be honest and get it all out because i feel so trapped and alone.

Krissy x

Mitzi50 Sat 22-Nov-14 16:14:05

Nothing very useful to say except have discussed things with your GP or a charity like the Beaumont Society www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/

flowers

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 17:54:55

Hi, thanks for the reply. I have spoke to a gp in the past month or so and i am being referred to a psychiatrist to help me further, may be i should have done it a long time ago but never had the guts.

My main reason for joining this forum is to make some new friends and find people that accept me for who i am. Im fed up of being lonely and now i feel trapped and seem to go out less and less. I do feel guilt for what im doing and just hope my daughter accepts me.

Again thanks for the reply
Krissy x

downbythelane Sat 22-Nov-14 18:03:24

Hi Krissy

i have to go out so can't talk now but just saw your thread and wanted to say hello. Hope you are OK- that's some big old stuff you are dealing with- it must be very hard.

all the best. x

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Sat 22-Nov-14 18:10:56

Don't have any advice but just wanted to welcome you to the forum Krissy.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:21:24

Hi both and thank you for the welcome, i expected to get no replies to be honest, i have very low self confidence at the minute so always expect the worst. Its good to be here.

Krissy x

Tiredemma Sat 22-Nov-14 19:23:10

Hi Krissy- you sound like a lovely parent.

Welcome to Mnet x

YonicScrewdriver Sat 22-Nov-14 19:25:50

I am glad you have gone to your GP as I think from your OP that you haven't been under medical supervision for the hormones, which can't be good.

Parsley1234 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:28:57

Hello Krissy I've got three close transgender friends one who kept it really in the closet he's now 70 one who was married for 28 years now is going for full change and one who lives part time in Brighton as a woman male up here are you near Gloucestershire ? X

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:41:24

Thank you all, no i have not had any medical supervision with my hormones for the past 3 years, i realised it was dangerous but i was desperate and then after a while i just kept going with them. I did a lot of research and found an online pharmacy where you can but prescriptive medication, its pricey as well but i just needed to do it. It has caused me many issues over the past 2 years especially which i feel awful about as its stopped me doing things with my daughter. Things like swimming and certain social situations which i have avoided.

My daughter knows i have certain female attributes but is still young enough to not understand properly, she has never seen me in make up or female clothes even though she has found bras and knickers and so on as i wear them everyday and have done for the past 2 and half years.

My huge concern is when she sees me as a woman it will confuse her and she will think her dad has gone, she has already lost her mum and i just find it so hard to know what to do.

Thank you all for the welcome.

Krissy x

shushpenfold Sat 22-Nov-14 19:45:45

Hi Krissy - just wanted to say 'Hi' and that I wouldn't worry too much about your DD. You sound lovely, sensitive and sensible and your explanation to your DD, when she asks just needs to stress that you love her, you're her parent and that there are all sorts of different families in this world....the lucky ones have lots of love in them. xxx

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 19:51:49

Thanks, i do nothing but worry lol i just feel guilt all the time. I give my daughter everything i can and more love than she can handle i think lol especially now shes getting older. But i just feel im failing her and myself for that matter. i am 35 years and you would think id be stronger than this but i feel far from strong at the minute. Thank you so much for the kind words its very appreciated.

Krissy x

Elllimam Sat 22-Nov-14 19:52:22

Hey Krissy welcome to the forum. I agree you sound like a lovely parent xxx

shushpenfold Sat 22-Nov-14 19:55:46

No problem Krissy. Stay chilled if you can and forgive yourself! xx

FruitCakey Sat 22-Nov-14 19:56:47

Hi Krissy. ~waves~ grin

I will certainly be here to support you and be a shoulder if ever you need/want it.

I also agree that you seem like a great parent. thanks

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:02:25

Thanks Shushpenfold, im sitting down with a coffee trying to chill right now lol looking forward to xfactor lol.

Hi fruitcakey and thank you for the support, ive been pretty much on my own for a long time now and its really nice to actually get this out and talk to people about it, your shoulder is very much appreciated hun smile

Krissy x

Parsley1234 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:08:49

You'll be surprised at how people will react I think hopefully supportive I hope for you. There is a support group monthly here I'm sure in your area too it's been invaluable for my full change friend good luck bighug xx

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:26:19

Thanks Parsley1234 smile i have been on a few forums for transgender but found them to be very judgemental. For some reason they seem to judge me for being a single parent and doing what ive done which i found very annoying to be honest, may be its the hormones ive been on for so long but i relate to genetic women more than i do transwomen, i dont know why really.

Krissy x

Parsley1234 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:57:51

Ahhhhh don't worry about people being judgemental my friend whose 70! Bought his son up on his own are you near to me gloucestershire ? My friend whose going for op is so open and beautiful peron she Wd really help you xx

Mitzi50 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:31:17

I'm glad you've seen your gp - you're daughter needs you healthy.

I think you'll find that there are more people who will accept you as you are than will be judgemental. Your daughter just needs love and care - your gender is irrelevant. x

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:58:36

Thanks Parsley1234 and Mitzi50, i have encountered a fair few judgemental people and it had caused me to hide away, i have become a little recluse the past few months. I feel people are staring at me all the time and i get very paranoid, even taking my daughter school has become hard recently. A lot of physical changes have really kicked in the past 6 months or so from taking the hormones, before that it was very slow and subtle and much easier to hide, but i feel i cannot hide any more, which is why i acted and realise i need to sort this out now. Thanks again smile

Krissy x

JaneAHersey Tue 25-Nov-14 11:04:43

I can identify with what you say and your desperation. 30 years ago I was a lone parent living in a minority community. The community had it's ideals, I did not fit them so I was left socially isolated with my son, I struggled with eating disorders and depression. I had spent all my childhood caring for a sick mother till her death when I was 13.

The only thing I can say is that social media is so important for people who are experiencing the difficulties you face. Just to be able to talk about how you feel and not get bogged down by damaging negative feelings and to get some support is so important. If social media had been around 30ish years ago it would have saved me a lot of suffering.

Good luck with the future.

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