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dealing with questions about a non existent parent

(11 Posts)
number1daddy Fri 21-Nov-14 11:53:20

Hi everyone.

my son is five and doesn't know his Mum. he has started asking questions about her though. I have done what I feel is best and take time on a few nights to show him pics of her, any cards the maternal family are allowed to send agreed in a court order and I've played a bit of music I remember his Mum liked. It cant be easy for him at times but he knows it's just the two of us and knows some kids who either just have Mums or Grandparents. I have never and will never say anything negative about his Mum to him as it's not my place. Just seeking advice really on the different things any others try.

DeadCert Fri 21-Nov-14 11:59:34

I suppose it depends on where his Mum is and why he doesn't see her.

At 5, I would keep things very simple for him. Reassure him all families are different and that none are better than others. I'm sure you do, but make sure he feels loved and secure with you. Does he have other positive female role models in his life? I feel it's important children have input from both sexes where possible.

Good on you, sounds like you're doing a great job at raising your son.

number1daddy Fri 21-Nov-14 12:52:55

Thankyou. It was not a nice court battle when my son was several weeks old for about a year shortly after that I became the sole carer and indirect contact was enforced despite my best efforts even going against court for one last chance but it was not properly taken by his Mum. my son is very close to my parents and family. My Mum plays a big part which I myself have needed. Kids definitely need adults of both genders to help out I agree. I am not bad though at playing both. I've had the last four years doing so.

I'm so proud of my son like any parent would be I hope with theirs.

I just try my best for my son and yes I make mistakes along the way I know I do but parenting isn't perfect I don't think anyway. He feels loved and secure. He hasn't got too old to hear me saying I love him yet or not wanting to hold my hand hehe.

number1daddy Fri 21-Nov-14 13:00:15

His Mum lives in another part of the country and it was a mix of reasons why she can't play a part I'm his life. Emotional abuse from her against my son, bonding problems, not able to put my son before her own needs, an affair, living in a fantasy world. I could go on. It was so complicated that very early on in court I had to keep my son safe from harm. How on earth do I ever deal with all that as my son nature's further down the line. I just don't know at the moment

HonestLie Fri 21-Nov-14 18:26:40

With regards to the reasons she isn't in your child's life the affair has got nothing to do with it.

To be honest you seem to be worrying about what to say in years to come. Honestly my advice is to not worry about it, don't plan answers to questions that haven't yet been asked.

Now - answer any question in the most age appropriate way. Steer clear of details as a child that young doesn't really need them. Like a PP said I would focus on explaining that families come in different shapes and sizes. Children don't need a Mum and a Dad, children just need a family who loves and supports them. The make up of that family is generally not all that important.

Starlightbright1 Fri 21-Nov-14 18:41:23

My DS's dad wasn't allowed to see his Dad unsupervised from when he was 5 weeks old. Contacted ended when he was 3 so he has very few memories of him.

I found when he started school he had most questions and most confused as he seemed to realise most kids had Dad's esp kip, chip and co in books.

My approach has been answer when he has asked. I have always been as honest as I can but as an age appropriate level. It is a bit like a revolving door you think you are done then it all starts again. As I have been honest I don't have to back track just build on what he has already been told.

Although I don't slag his Dad off I try and be realistic so he doesn't end up hero worshipping someone who isn't worthy of it

He is 7 now and I would say he does have the odd question but that seems to be emotionally detached.

It is a tightrope. I know someone else whose son's Dad didn't want to know him and her son never asked a single question and has never really wanted to know

Also I have had other parents tell me so and so has been asking about Ds's dad and they have told their children all families are different

meglet Fri 21-Nov-14 18:49:29

Mine asked the most questions the year they started school then it tailed off.

I've always answered honestly, they know his name, what job he did, his birthday and there's a couple of photos of him on the wall. I am quite happy to answer questions and chat about him.

The only thing I've sugar coated is his behaviour, I daren't have them hero worshipping him. Like starlight I have gently explained that daddy was rather grumpy and not very helpful in the house. They don't know the police and womens aid were involved at one point though.

Hopefully muddling through on the middle ground will work out for the best. I'll let you know when they're adults confused.

number1daddy Fri 21-Nov-14 19:35:44

Thank you everyone. Over thinking things is a weakness at times admittedly. The here and now is the only important factor really and my sons happy enough with what I have said.

HonestLie Fri 21-Nov-14 20:02:34

It's understandable but a bad habit to get into. You can't predict the future so don't try.

Starlightbright1 Fri 21-Nov-14 20:29:14

I think we all over think these things..Particularity at night when Little ones are in bed...

The thing is there is no easy answer that are not going to hurt from people who should really be protecting our kids.

I Focus on the here and now as you never know how interested he will be in his mum.

cestlavielife Fri 21-Nov-14 20:41:05

Your family are the people who live and care for you
Quote from something special.
Just answer questions honestly
Mum was ill
Mum had to go away and live dome where else
When you older you might be able to contact her

Now let's go play
Let's go see grandma

Treat as normal and calmly

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