At breaking point

[Shenton]

My dickhead ex has sent another abusive email today basically telling me how grateful I should be that he's prepared to pay child support and half the children's costs - dental, glasses etc. I feel given he lives 5 hours away and sees them for two weeks every six months at this rate it's frankly the least he can do, but I just want to throw the towel in today and force him to have 50/50 custody.
I'm fucking exhausted, I work full time in a demanding job, 4 children including a pre schooler and a teen.
I'm utterly done in.
He arrives for two weeks in January, there will be another massive blow up when he finds out I'm not letting him stay at my house.
I've got no friends really apart from one poor soul who puts up with me.
My family are bloody hopeless as are his, never been interested in the kids.
I need to turn this around but I don't know where to start I guess.

[cestlavielife]

What help do you have ? Who does child care, cleaning etc ? Can you get an au pair ?

[Shenton]

Have an au pair and she is fantastic.
It's everything else I guess

[AttentionSeekingFantasist]

Would 50/50 custody work at that distance, if he (and they) were willing to go along with it? Sounds like not reading his emails would be a good start, and definitely not replying to them. But it's a very difficult situation for you.

[Shenton]

I'm considering not giving him a choice ... He's been gone for 6 months ... My turn sort of thing

[AttentionSeekingFantasist]

That would be fair as far as he and you are concerned. Maybe not so good in terms of stability for your children. Also, if you are who I think you are (recent namechange?), he has demonstrated that you will never be able to rely on him or trust him to do anything to make your life easier. It might be less stress in the long run to accept that it's just you now. Doesn't make it any easier to get everything done, but it might help to stop thinking in terms of him getting away with not doing it.

Sorry if I'm wrong about the namechange, for you anyway.

[meglet]

Personally if he's that much of a twat they're probably better off without staying with him. It's bloody hard though isn't it.

I can't believe he thinks it's ok for him to stay at your house

[Chrissy41]

You have my sympathy - what strikes me here is boundaries. Abusive emails, him assuming he is entitled to stay in your home. I think you need to set some clear guidelines out here tbh. And unless an email is about the children then it is unnecessary and unfounded. Is this just another avenue for him to abuse you? And child support - CMS if not already? Why you are meant to be grateful for his legal duty as a father to pay maintenance just demonstrates how you and the children are way better off without him, but I am sure you know that already.

So the question is where can you turn in real life for support? Work colleagues, GP, HV perhaps?

[nochangewanted]

I am going to disagree with Chrissy about CMS unless he is paying a very low amount. My reason been that he is paying half of childcare on top of maintenance and he may basically reduce it to basic amount.. Simply ignore any comment on the subject.

I am assuming this is far more ranting than reality but what can you do to turn this around. Can you get out somewhere once a week like a class, group.

Can teen and other ones help you are home. I have taught my DS 7 to clean kitchen floor tonight.. It is obviously a novelty but it did make it more fun.

Family nights can be good at trying to bring all ages together.

Ignore his emails unless they relate to kids, Look at how well you are doing..

I am coming up with suggestions but not sure what part you are finding the hardest but want to change?

[Chrissy41]

Yup fair point Nochange about the CMS. I guess the advantage I see is the OP taking control back over the money, but I realise it would be daft to do that if it meant getting less.

[Shenton]

There is an end in sight with regards to the money and yes I am just ranting sorry .... Not much can actually be done but god I need a holiday.

[Chrissy41]

not ranting at all - and don't be sorry.