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child is pushing me away

(8 Posts)
pleaseletmesmile Fri 14-Nov-14 16:48:16

Over a month ago I left my partner, the father of our 3 and a half year old son and 13 month old daughter. I moved to a house in the same village as I did not want to take the children away from their father, my son's maternity class and my part time job.
My ex-partner automatically moved back in with his retired parents (he is 37!) but has kept on the apartment we shared. He seems to have relinquished all responsibility for our children and lets his parents do all the caring when it is his turn to have them. My issue is not so much that he does not feel the need to play an active role in our childrens life - he was the same when we were together, he is a child trapped in a mans body. My issue is that because i work split shifts for my job the children spend a lot of time away from me at their grandparents (his parents). The grandparents are lovely and have been very supportive, however now when i go to collect my children after work my son screams the house down and says he wants to stay with them. It is heartbreaking. I understand he is confused about the new situation, i just wish i knew how to sort it out.

I have no choice, i have to work because i get nothing from their father (he gets all the child benefits, which i am trying to sort out.) and i get no state benefits. I live in France, the father is French, my family live in the u.k and the system here is so complex to try and understand.

nochangewanted Fri 14-Nov-14 23:50:08

I understand the financial situation is complex in France though don't know the details.

Could you have children more than you do now? It is very new situation for your children. Does he settle when he has left?

A month is not long to adjust for a child.

pleaseletmesmile Sat 15-Nov-14 09:38:09

Hi nochangewanted, yes i agree, one month is not long enough for a child to adjust. My poor son is confused and cannot understand why his mum and dad do not live together anymore - i try to explain to him in a diplomatic way and never bad mouth his father.
Unfortunately my work sometimes starts early in the morning, 7.30am, which means that if i am rota'd to work the early shift the children sometimes have to sleep over at their grandparents. I have requested to work less early shifts, although this does add extra pressure onto my workmates.
It's a new house, new routine and different life for my children so I understand how unsettled my son is. I just want to be the best mum i can to him and make this transistion as easy as possible - without him becoming a spoilt child and me hitting the valium!
It's at times like this where living in a foreign country, with not a full grasp of the language makes me miss my family and friends even more.

Can't you drop them off early instead of them staying overnight?

I went through something similar when my and ex split up he has ds 2 or 3 nights per week and spends lots of time at his nannas...I wrote a post about ds preferring to be at his dad's and I felt awful as he would cry every night asking for his daddy..
I bought some books from amazon for him (koko bear) he made me read them all the time :-)
6 months on and he has really settled we now have tears when he goes to dad's sometimes and crys occasionally when brought home but does seem happier.. I think it just takes time x

pleaseletmesmile Sat 15-Nov-14 14:59:48

Thanks, it's good to hear of other people going through similar issues and knowing it will get easier. I hope your son and you are a lot happier.

I know the children are fortunate to still have their grandparents and I am grateful to them for helping with childcare whilst i work but it does smart that their father takes no responsibility for them (his mother states that he "plays football with him"!!……….it's not what i would call being a hands on parent) That is a whole different conversation :-)

I do drop the children off at their grandparents before 7.30am most of the time but occasionaly i let them stay as it seems so unfair dragging 2 small children from their bed so early.

I don't regret my decision to leave their father, he was not a pleasant man towards me, now i just have to deal with the fallout and do the best i can to make sure my kids have a happy life.

STIDW Mon 17-Nov-14 13:19:35

It's only natural for children to act out a bit when their parents separate, particularly at handover times and it may take several months for them to readjust and settle.

cestlavielife Mon 17-Nov-14 13:25:56

he is only young and getting used to a new routine. try and stay calm and know that your DS is just getting used to a new situation. distract with promises of fun things you will do together. once the routine settles and he knows what to expect and when, it will get easier. try simple picture calendars showing which days with mum which days staying with grandparents/dad. or use little dolls/photo cut outs of you/ds/grandparents/dad and cardboard houses to show him what is going on.

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