Feel free to ignore - just venting(10 Posts)
Went away last week & asked X to feed the cat while I was gone. Pissed off when I got back to discover he'd been nosing around and been hanging around drinking tea ' to spend time with the cat' but bit my tongue as he was doing me a favour.
Same time I transferred him money and asked if he would please get some bread and milk in for when we get back. Sent more money than needed in case he thought we needed anything else (sent £30) and got none of it back. Bit my tongue again as it was a favour.
Asked him to attend DD's outpatient appointment instead of me as it was for the day after I return to work after a period of sickness and I can't ask for time off, while he doesn't work. He said no. Fine. Bite my tongue as it's a pain in the arse, but can probably be rearranged.
I've asked and told him time & again to not come to the house without giving me notice. Wednesday he does it again to borrow stuff he'd left behind when he moved out. I'm really cross but don't say anything as A the kids are there & B I want to wait until I can calmly discuss it.
Sunday I ask him to have the kids for an hour to let me go to work to arrange my phased return. I apologise for cutting into his weekend off and ask him if he can let me know when he has a free hour on the day so I can go in. He tells me it's fine and he's happy to do it. He then doesn't get in touch. I arrange my stuff over the phone which is less than ideal & message him to tell him that I don't need the favour anymore. He gets back to me 3 hours later to ask what happened with my work stuff. I told him as much as it would affect him but also asked him, politely to take anything else from the house that he might want again as I don't want him to come without notice again.
Now he's pissed off with me and I feel like shit. Was I out of order? I thought I was being reasonable but now that he's so angry I'm not sure if it's just me taking out all my little annoyances over this one issue or if I was right.
Like I said, feel free to ignore. It's hard to vent as the children are always here so this has been therapeutic
He sounds like a dick. I think you need to separate your life from him. No more favours. Then he can't take the piss. Yes it will be harder because you'll have to find someone else or do without help but there will be such a feeling of relief that he can't let you down again.
Don't question yourself because of his reaction. The way you described it, you obviously think you behaved reasonably so what does it matter what a dick thinks? Value the opinion of people you respect.
Thanks Extra - you're right. I need to get over the idea that he's someone I can rely on.
Split's relatively new - he moved out 6 weeks ago, so I think it's just a case of adjusting to our new normal.
I made the same mistake at about the same stage getting Ex to feed the cats and he overstepped the mark.
Deep breath, chalk it up to experience.
It's a special gift some people have...to make normal reasonable people doing normal reasonable things question themselves and their own expectations of normality:
It's not you, it's him.
Try not to need anything/ask anything from him if you can ....... because you will always end up here.
don't ask him favours. cut off from him. ask friends/family other people instead.
no more favours.
You don't need to announce it in a way that'll make him feel
even more hard done by but just have a line in your head from now on, don't cross it. The line is doing something just for him to be nice . From now on don't. Be pleasant and polite but do jack shit for him if it doesn't suit you.
I agree that it's a gift these guys have of making you feel like a cold hearted shit with a heart of stone, when you've already bent over backwards to accommodate them at your own inconvenience. It's like a super power, a forcefield of entitlement, so detach detach.
I agree with never asking him for anything. I could have been bleeding to death and eating dog food but I wouldn't have asked my x for help because he would have used it against me. There would have been hoops to jump through and I would have had to have demonstrated a lot of gratitude [murderous face]
Thanks all - you're all right, I need to detach. It's hard as my family are all abroad, so it was always just me & him. I have to realise that it's just me now.
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