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how to help DDS cope with contact with their dad when he is doing it to still control me.

(7 Posts)
everforever Sun 09-Nov-14 08:00:44

I left abusive exp last year.

He never saw DDS for 6months.

Social services set up supervised contact.

Exp applied for residency.

Ss and cafcass did reports. Both said DDS should reside with me. He contested it but hasn't filed his statement which is nearly 2months late.

When contact first started before all reports were done he attended contact no problem (its in a different area as he is not allowed to know where we live, DDS travel an 90mins each way). He had loads of fun with DDS. He give them presents and "paper" money. I was unhappy with contact going ahead as dd1 was showing signs she never enjoyed it apart from the money. I still forced her to go. (It wasn't court ordered and I was actually advised by a solicitor and gp to stop it)

When we first attended court he saw everyone was recommending DDS stay with me. He was unhappy.

Contact then got a bit boring for him. He stopped providing packed lunch as "he slept in" so I provided everything. He also stopped the money and never give any DDS a birthday present. He had to be prompted to play and show emotional warmth to DDS and a fee other problems but as DDS were supervised by ss. I knew they would be safe.

I started to enjoy contact happening as I had a few hours once a week free, to be myself. Dd1 still never enjoyed it but the original problems eased.

A few weeks ago I told sw for her reports that I love contact happening and could even have a hot coffe as the girls were with their dad and I never had to pay for it (I pay one day nursery for DDS for appointments etc).

Ss obviously told exp.

Now exp cancels on average every second week. Its always just after pay day and always 5mins before contact (so ss already travelling to pick DDS up,) I always get told by ss as he has no contact with me.

So how can I help DDS? I always try to make up the time that they haven't seen their dad but yesterday dd1 kept asking me "does dad love me?" I always say "of course he does" dd1 said "why doesn't he cuddle me, or say it when I tell him" I never knew what to say so just said "I don't know".

Ss seem to think exp is not committed enough. So how can I help DDS. Friends have told me not to lie for him. (I usually say dads unwell as that is the reason I get, when I know its because he wants to go clubbing and not happy as he has to pay to get himself 90mins away and csa has went to attqtchement of earnings which he hates as he doesn't see why he should pay as I'm on benefits and get all child tax and cb. I'm not going to tell DDS the truth as I was told that with my dad and I know how I felt.

I just look at DDS and think why can't he see them more (he's been offered 3*weekly contact but only wanted one day a week for 2hours).

Solicitor has told me is starting to back off now as he's unhappy as everyone is saying how much a great mum I am. I just want him to see the DDS as dd2 now calls him dad and gets excited when she sees ss come to pick her up (she is 1).

VenusRising Sun 09-Nov-14 19:10:18

Sorry, i dont have much time, but wanted to say, I wouldn't let my abusive x see the dcs.
If you need some time for yourself, why not hire someone to take them to the park?

cestlavielife Sun 09-Nov-14 21:47:41

How old is dd 1 ?

cestlavielife Sun 09-Nov-14 21:48:19

You can't make him see the more.
He clearly doesn't want to.

Quitelikely Sun 09-Nov-14 21:57:46

Cancelling five mins before? I don't think so. Next time tell your dc they aren't going to dads and you cancel on him five minutes before!

starlight1234 Sun 09-Nov-14 22:08:26

There is a lot to this post.

Firstly congratulations on leaving him.

I can tell you from my experience despite my DS been a toddler and only seeing his dad 2 hours a fortnight he knew it wasn't happening and eventually would just cry when I left and they called me to pick him up.

I do beleive for my Son intermitent contanct and been let down frequently was damaging to him.

You do need to stop lying to your children...They will be picking up he doesn't care and they need to know they can rely on you. I often told my son I don't know, or I can't speak for Daddy. Ask Daddy. I have always told my son the truth but it has been age appropriate so as he gets older I can give him more information but it is built on what I told him.

What do you mean you make up the time? If he misses time and then gets to rearrange he gets to play you.

I also believed with my DS contact would end eventually. I did what I could to make it work but didn't fight for it.

I also imagine for SS it is costing a lot of money for him to frequently cancel and if he is not interested when he is there can't see them wanting to support it .

titchy Sun 09-Nov-14 22:12:37

So a solicitor and GP have advised no contact, SW says he isn't committed enough and your dd1 is upset about the contact.

Remind us again OP what the benefit of continuing contact is?

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