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Ex refusing contact with youngest child, and refusing to return the oldest two home.

(33 Posts)
SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 13:58:00


We have three children from our marriage (DD2 [1], DD1 [3] and DS [4]).

I have offered ex contact with all children from Friday night til Sunday evening every week. Possibly need to build up to this with DD2 as she has never spent the night. He has refused this as he likes to have every other Saturday night and Sunday "off" i.e. no kids, no work.

Originally contact with ex was arranged Thursday morning to Saturday evening on Week A, then Friday to Sunday on Week B.

I have now asked that the Thursday and Fridays (daytime) are dropped as the circumstances of the children have changed.

He does not actually look after them on Thursday or Friday as he works, they stay with his mother. I used to drop DD1 off at her house after taking DS to school. DS told me they usually stay with their grandmother on Thursday nights and they do not see their dad at all until Friday night.

His mother refuses to have DD2. Ex refuses to have DD2 also. He has in the last few months seen her on Saturday afternoons. He now refuses to see her at all.

She is 15 months. I look after her full time as I am not working at present. She misses her siblings on contact days and gets very distressed when they disappear. She is no longer a baby and is aware that she is not included.

DS is now in Reception and is living in three separate homes. He is run-down, always ill, has bowel/bladder issues and gets stressed about his stuff being scattered in different houses, especially gloves/hats for some reason. DD1 in in a morning nursery which she loves, but has not been able to go on Thursday/ Fridays as ex's mother will not take her. DD2 gets very animated and reaches out when she sees her father, but his ignores her and will not even pick her up.

I truly want the children to have contact with their father. He can have them as much as he wants to be honest, if he is able to spend time with them. I am going back to work next year and I realise I will need help with childcare but I just do not know what to do. I feel so sad for DD2, and worried DS is not secure.

Ex was due to see DD2 today but would not honour it. I told him he either acknowledged all three children or I would stop contact altogether as it is not healthy for them to see him treat their sister this way. They actually watch him ignoring her.

He is now refusing to return the older children home. He has PR. I can't stop him. DD2 is already padding round looking for them.

What am I meant to do? I genuinely don't have a clue what is best for them anymore.

SandyJ2014 Sat 08-Nov-14 14:47:41

God, I am so sorry. This sounds so very hard and is very cruel of your ex DH. I think you need to talk to a lawyer as I fear that the legal position is that you cannot force him to see a child but you also cannot stop him from seeing his other children. Perhaps a Court, looking at the matter in the round, would exercise their discretion, and say that either contact was with all or none at all.

Also, do you think things might change once your youngest is older. Ex might feel more comfortable?


SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 14:54:31

Thanks for your response.

I will apply for a court order, clearly we can't get to any resolution on our own. Frustrating and really unnerving thinking how long this will take.

I have no idea if he will change as she gets older. She is exactly the same age as DD1 was when we split up, and he was very insistent on having DD1 for three days straight away. So I don't think it is her age that he is uncomfortable with. He left before she was born, so I believe he feels absolutely no paternal feelings towards her.

Thrholidaysarecoming Sat 08-Nov-14 14:58:19

What a prick and his mother is too!

Poor dd2.

What parental rights has he got? Is he refusing to bring them back at all as in never?

Hopefully someone will be along to give better advice x

mipmop Sat 08-Nov-14 15:34:10

Maybe it'd be helpful to speak to professionals about your son's (understandable) distress- school or GP? Both to help him and to have it recorded. It doesn't sound like there's any benefit to you or any of your children in maintaining the Thursday and Friday "contact" visits. Each child seems to be disadvantaged by this schedule. Can you speak to a few family solicitors and take out from there ? I'd imagine they'll agree that contact visits should be with their dad, and that not seeing either parent for 36 hours is not contact. The side issue about him not wanting contact with his youngest child is unconscionable, and hopefully will be taken seriously, particularly this nonsense about Thursday / Friday "contact" meaning the siblings are separated because neither the grab nor the father want the youngest one.
I would say that if the grandmother enters regular contact it should occur on dad's days, but that "dad's days" are days that they (all) see their dad.

mipmop Sat 08-Nov-14 15:35:57

Sorry predictive text:
gran not grab
if the grandmother wants regular contact

mipmop Sat 08-Nov-14 15:52:16

I'm still thinking about this.
The idea of a legal agreement for regular contact with 2 of 3 siblings, and ignoring the third sibling just seems so unlikely. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (e.g. he is contesting parenthood) there is surely no way that he can get a legal agreement for regular contact with 2 of 3 signings. And the idea of him saying the older two won't be returned is emotional abuse.
Maybe you should ask on the Legal section as well or ask for this thread to be moved there.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 20:08:23

I will talk to the school on Monday, and make a GP appointment. Good idea.

He implied he would not be bringing them back without official action from me. I said I was happy for them to stay until tomorrow night if he saw DD2 tomorrow...

... he brought them back at 6.30pm.

That is how desperate he is for contact.

I'll see my solicitor in the week. I have a feeling I will have to instruct somebody else though as she doesn't deal with family law.

They are next due to go to his on Friday night. Except, he tells me he is out on Friday night so he wants them Saturday morning instead. Give. Me. Strength. He ignored DD2 again who was squealing his name. It makes me feel utterly sick. I asked would he be having her next Saturday. He said no, not until I give him Thursday and Fridays "back".

She has been his pawn since she was conceived. This was why I divorced him, amongst other things.

He seems to be baiting me to stop all contact. He doesn't think I will go through with it. I don't know what else I can do. The three of them crammed on to an armchair when they got in and didn't want to let go of each other to go to bed. Even the dog is at the bottom of the stairs guarding them (he normally ignores them...).

I am furious.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 20:19:09

Yes he has full parental responsibility, although he did try to get out of this with DD2 until his lawyer explained that it is not optional.

CountingThePennies Sat 08-Nov-14 20:25:47

In your situation i would stop all contact.

Let him take you to court, and deal with it from there.

Do you think he will take you to court?

lunar1 Sat 08-Nov-14 20:27:00

I don't say this lightly but honestly I'd stop contact. It is going to put a huge divide between siblings. My brother and I really needed each other when my parents divorced we were the only constant in each others lives. I can't imagine how we'd have coped if we were separated for contact.

Isthatwhatdemonsdo Sat 08-Nov-14 20:38:12

I would also stop contact. Your poor children. Your ex is a twat and doesn't deserve them.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Nov-14 20:58:16

Why on earth do you want your children to have such lengthy contact with this twat?

And are you happy with your children spending all that time with their grandmother while you're at home, especially when she doesn't want what's best for them?

They are awful, OP. Your poor children. Keep them away from him and protect them.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 21:07:39

To be honest I hope he does take me to court. I need the intervention. I expect his parents would fund him. The family loathe me for divorcing him.

Thanks for responding so quickly, I don't trust my instincts right now. DD2 stopped breastfeeding this week which means the end of almost five years of constant lactation for me. So I am engorged, in pain, and an emotional mess. And both my mother and my best friend couldn't be arsed seeing me on my birthday yesterday. Whine over.

He is one of three very close siblings himself (although he is the odd-one-out). I tried to explain it was like his dad seeing him and his brother but never his sister. He said his dad wasn't married to a psycho-bitch like me so there was no problem. I feel the logic has failed there.

I will stop contact.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 21:13:23

Imperial no I am not happy for them being with their grandmother while I am at home. That is why I stopped it.

I don't know why I want them to have weekends with him. Probably because they want to see him and he will be given access. In an ideal world, he just wouldn't exist. But he does.

starlight1234 Sat 08-Nov-14 21:29:29

I think you really need some legal advise.

I stopped contact with my Ex. I wanted a court order.I felt that he could either follow court order or then it would be over. It all sounds very gamey.

Do you have any idea why he is been the arsehole he is with DD2 in particular?

Do you think he is actually interested in the older 2 or simply doing it to aggravate you?

Solasum Sat 08-Nov-14 21:36:11

thanks cake Happy Birthday for yesterday OP

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 21:39:02

Because DD2 was born after we split. That is all that marks her out. She was also an unplanned pregnancy.

It is possession more than interest I think.


SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 21:40:13

Thanks Solasum smile

Waltermittythesequel Sat 08-Nov-14 21:41:34

Does he think DD2 isn't his or something? This is truly bizarre!

Did he say no to every weekend because he wants to go out/thinks you're using him so you can go out?

Figure out what way his mind is working on these things and you'll be much more equipped to deal with it.

Either way he's a total prick!

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 21:53:34

He has alluded to DD2 not being his, but if he believed it he would be the first in the queue for a test.

Yes that is exactly why he said no to every Saturday night.

If I could figure out his mind I wouldn't be in this situation, I doubt even he knows how it works...

Waltermittythesequel Sat 08-Nov-14 21:57:14

I suspected as much.

It's textbook, really.

Fucking arsehole.

More likely than not, in a couple of years his access will have dropped to a couple of times a week.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 22:02:40

I think in a couple of years he will be starting the process all over again with a new family and we will have dropped quite significantly off his radar.

Viviennemary Sat 08-Nov-14 22:05:40

I was going to say perhaps he finds having all three of them together too much. But this doesn't seem to be the case and he is deliberately excluding the baby which is really mean of him especially if she is now aware. Nobody would want to see their child hurt in that way. Don't know what the answer is. Why not just say one day and he must have all of them or none.

SilverSilverSilver Sat 08-Nov-14 22:22:24

He has never had all three without his mother or girlfriend or sister helping anyway.

I have told him all or none and he says he "will not be dictated to" by me.

So contact has stopped until he can sort it out. I will get to a solicitor soon as I can. Never thought it would come to this.

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