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Help me get a grip and calm down - for the 1st time ever I'm glad dd has gone to her fathers

(16 Posts)
foslady Fri 07-Nov-14 18:16:44

And I feel so angry and crap. And that this is more about my issues than her.

She's 11 years old and a great girl generally, but I am so angry and I know I've gone over the top.

The last few months I've spent an absolute fortune on her. I'm on a low wage but have been doing overtime at works request and used it to buy clothes for her to go on holiday with her dad, kitting out a dumping room into a study for her including getting her a lap top, printer & desk, a whole school kit (went up to secondary school) including sports equipment, replacing clothes that she's grown out of (legs have just gone like bamboo so all her jeans/trousers were too short), deposit for guide camp/guide trips and I genuinely don't begrudge a penny of it.

I spend precious little on me - even to the point that I'm sat here with an inch of white root as my friend has been too busy to dye it dark brown for me again and can't afford salon prices.

She's just been sorting out her overnight bag for her fathers, and when she came downstairs I asked if she had the stuff needed for a birthday lunch she's been invited to. She hadn't so we went back upstairs to help her sort an outfit out.

All the drawers were jumbled, clothes had been rammed in but the thing that sent me over the edge - a pile of clothes shoved down the side of the drawer unit including 2 pairs of brand new jeans complete with tags. In the mean time she'll walk round with trousers halfway up her ankle.

When I was her age, my grandma 'judged' my aunt because she became a single mum when my 'blood' uncle left her and would think nothing of making scathing remarks about how they were dressed/presented - and even though I KNOW things aren't like that these days I can't help but tell myself that no one will ever look down on us. My daughter has clothes that might only be Primark/Matalan and not designer labels - I won't/can't afford that route - but I am so upset that she has done this. She knows money's tight and she always says thank you when we go shopping, she never asks for things. So why does she think this is acceptable?

I know deep down this is typical behaviour, but I never had nice clothes as a child. My parents just used to accept hand me downs and dress me in them, clothes shopping was a very rare event (and no, they weren't poor, we were the same as everyone else, just refused to spend money if they didn't have to). I spent most of my older childhood embarrassed and feeling like a raggy doll and vowed that I would never let any child of mine wear something that they didn't like.

She's now at her dads after I lost it with her, shouting about how ungrateful she is, how she can forget meeting her friend on Sunday afternoon and sort through her clothes instead. And I've NEVER sent her off under those circumstances.

So now I am sat here crying. I am a shit mother, with a daughter who is 99% of the time fantastic........but just doesn't get that it is important to look after things.....and has a mother that has over reacted.

Sorry - I just needed to say it out aloud.

foslady Fri 07-Nov-14 18:18:37

Sorry this is so long - and please don't judge me - I feel bad enough about this as it is sad

UncrushedParsley Fri 07-Nov-14 18:23:32

I think most of us have done this....my parents were a bit like that too, so I sympathise. But our kids just don't 'get' it, because, all credit to you, they have never been in that situation. Not unreasonable to be annoyed at the messy drawers (if you find a cure, let me know for my DD16). I largely ignore the state of her bedroom for my own sanity except this week when all my block socks seem to have dissapeared in there If you feel you have over-reacted, any way you could send a short text so you both feel better?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 07-Nov-14 18:26:52

OP if it's any consolation, I could have written that post word for word.

Please dont be hard on yourself. It is so so disheartening and it feels so disrespectful when they treat stuff badly.

Dry your eyes. Pour a glass of something nice. And don't beat yourself up thanks

turdfairynomore Fri 07-Nov-14 18:30:08

I've been there. I'm sure there's not a mum who hasn't!! I have no magic words of advice-there's wiser out there than me-but be kind to yourself in this. Your daughter is like all others-hugely grateful I'm sure, very thoughtful, extremely loving....and a bit lazy!!! Take a big breath, have a glass of wine, send her a text to say that you love her and that together you'll sort it out when she's home. In the grand scheme of things it's a tiny hiccup-she won't walk down the aisle with the thought of today in her head. Tackle the drawers when she comes home-I know my two (20&17) have this issue and it's usually when drawer space gets tight so maybe clear a little space or invest in a few storage boxes -you could even let her help label the drawers. From one single mum to another-I feel your pain xoxo

FrontForward Fri 07-Nov-14 18:36:47

Everyone has been where you are. I don't think children develop into well rounded adults if allowed to travel through childhood pampered and protected. How about following it up with a calm chat explaining your feelings, when she gets back.

I have a similar age child and she's very capable of empathy. We talk a lot and I feel she really responds to me talking about complex emotions (like the childhood experiences which created such a trigger for you)

It's good for children to appreciate that other people have feelings!

foslady Fri 07-Nov-14 18:37:30

Thank you so much - it's good to know it's not just me.

We have church parade on Sunday (guides - and Remembrance Sunday is the one I insist come hell or high water she does, where we live in an area that had a lot of RAF bases built during WW2, and she is looking forward to it). I think we'll BOTH go upstairs after that and sort through each and every drawer and get rid of anything that's not right.....after all, we have Christmas coming up too!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Fri 07-Nov-14 18:38:08

Dont be so hard on yourself. I too had parents who dressed me badly as a child and it leaves lasting scars to be mocked and ridiculed for clothing you had no say in buying.

I go overboard with my dc sometimes for clothes, and I really hate it when they wear something old and too small because they have the choice not to, and I never did.

Maybe when your dd gets back you could try to explain you didn't have nice clothes as a child and that is why you got so upset that she isnt looking after her nice new clothes. If she is 11 she should be able to understand why you overreacted once you explain it to her, and you can say sorry and help her sort her stuff out together.

And do not spend every minute till you see her again beating yourself up about this, if your dd is good 99% of the time doesnt that mean she must have a good mum? But a good mum who is human and makes mistakes sometimes!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Fri 07-Nov-14 18:38:50

X-post, good plan thanks

foslady Fri 07-Nov-14 18:39:08

Sorry - posted too soon!

And whilst we do it, we'll talk calmly - and hug

starlight1234 Fri 07-Nov-14 20:47:00

Sounds like a good plan.

Can you text daughter with plan then you won't be worrying she is upset?

foslady Sat 08-Nov-14 01:02:41

I don't think she has her phone with her otherwise I would (although her dad's a bit hmmm about her having a phone at his house.....and messaging her could open another can of worms ......)

foslady Sat 08-Nov-14 01:03:44

Thank you everyone for being so lovely - it really has helped put all this into perspective for me x

Sunbeam18 Sat 08-Nov-14 21:30:13

You sound a lovely mum and your daughter sounds lovely too. She was a bit careless, as we all can be at times, and it really upset you ( for good reason). You'll hug and sort it out. Sending you a hug and a cuppa in the meantime. She's probably feeling as bad as you are.

foslady Sat 08-Nov-14 22:06:32

Thank you Sunbeam. She came home tonight, we spoke about why it had upset me, she had a few tears and we are both sorting it all out tomorrow. Big hugs at bedtime, and we're back on track.

Thank you everyone for helping me through it all yesterday (and today - I kept peeking at it today to keep me strong), it always seems worse when you're on your own, doesn't it?

starlight1234 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:14:24

It is hard to wait to resolve these things. Glad it is all sorted

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