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Single mum, bitth certificate and dads girlfriend...help

(25 Posts)
CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 16:06:45

Hi everyone, will make this as short as poss. I had a fling with long term friend and unexpectedly fell pregnant. My son is now 6 months old. His dad has been involved, he started seeing someone after I told him about the pregnancy they have split God knows how many times and he always seems to put her first over everything. Me and my sons dad don't even talk now as I found out things like him lieing about him having s job. There was none all along he was just selling weed and still smokes it every day despite saying he would stop for the sake of our son. He sees baby every wed now (what he asked for) At his sisters house where I feel baby is safe. He is not on the birth certificate as of yet we haven't got round to doing it but now all of a sudden he is nagging to be put on so he can do things his way ( don't know what he means by that) that really scares me. He's threatened me on the phone before saying I shoulsnt get on the bad side of him he would make my life hell ect. He now wants his girlfriend involved with or son, what the hell I mean come on I don't know this girl and this is a 6 month old baby we are talking about not a 3/4 year old. No way am I ready to have her being involved. All of u being mothers u can understand how protective and in love u are with your baby/child and the thought of someone els mothering them is sickening. Has anyone els dealt with something similar, please help me to be ok with this eventually as I feel sick can't sleep can't think about anything but this. My son is the love of my life. There's so much more to rhis, like they both smoke weed every day the list goes on. Just need people to talk to im going crazy sad

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 16:15:48

You said yourself that you don't know what he means by it.

What does her being 'involved' actually entail, really?

If she's with dad at contact there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. But, in fairness, once a week for a few hours doesn't give her much "mothering" time.

Is there any chance she would be a positive influence? How bad is she?

If you are concerned about your baby's welfare because of the drugs then there are steps you can take to prevent contact/insist that it is supervised. Are you willing to do this? Possibly involve SS?

If your only problem is that he'll have this other female in life life (and I get it, I do!) then I'm afraid you have to just get on with it. You just don't have the right to stop it unless you have genuine safety concerns.

Your baby only has one mother and nothing will ever, ever change that.

If I were you, I would be thinking about how safe it is for this man to be in your child's life. Don't worry about her, she's not significant right now.

meglet Wed 05-Nov-14 16:17:51

I'd want to keep him at arms length too. There would also be a big part of me wanting to report him to the police for the weed. I'm not sure the best way you can play that, knowing weed smokers they're hardly going to sort themselves out over night.

Maybe a contact centre would be better than your sisters? I'm not sure.

Once he's on the birth cert you can't get him off, no matter what a prize asshole he's being. My absent XP is on the dc's certs and it's a PITA.

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 16:32:19

I can honestly say hand on my heart that him having a girlfriend doesn't bother me I have no feelings for him what so ever its the fact of her being with my baby thats always bothered me. I'm not sure what kind of influences she will have, I know they argue all the time and she has physically hit our sons dad a few weeks ago. Have seen pictures of her smoking a bong. Is this the kind of atmosphere they are going to be giving? I just don't trust either of them. Babys dad has been to jail for stealing cars which found out not long ago, so many things am terrified of him trying to raise our son to be a "bad boy " even his sister has said oh he will grow up being in trouble with the police it's in his blood. �� and yes was thinking the exact same about the police reporting tbh which I will do if he ever ever has that stuff near our son. With the birth certificate am scared of him not bringing the baby back and us having to go through courts ahhh just want to sxream am so stressed with it all just want the best in life for my baby not around weed and bad influences ect but apparently that makes me stuck up!

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 16:35:48

But how will you know if he's around it or not?

I don't blame you being worried, I would be.

But there's no way in hell he'd have access to my child! I'd be reporting and contacting SS for help and advice.

DanceToJoyDivision Wed 05-Nov-14 16:41:45

OP you have my sympathy-this sounds like a very stressful situation.

You say he's not on the birth certificate? If he's not then he currently has no rights over your son at all.

He can, however, petition to be put on the birth certificate. This is fairly straightforward to do. Once he is on the birth certificate then he will have Parental Responsibility and an equal say in the decisions made for your DS.

You will have no say in who sees DS when he is with his father. If your ex wants his GF to see him then that's his decision I'm afraid. Similarly, if you were to enter into a new relationship, your ex would have no say in how often your new partner saw DS.

I do think though that his partner being involved is a bit of a red herring. I do understand (I'm a lone parent too) that you don't want someone you don't know becoming close to your son, but given the amount of contact ex currently had with your son, that's not likely us it?

What would concern me more is the fact that ex is a habitual drug user and (if he's also selling weed) a drug dealer too. This doesn't sound like someone I would want my child to be around to be honest. Have you reported his drug use to the police? Or social services? If this goes to court then you could push for contact at a specialist contact centre on account of his drug use.

DanceToJoyDivision Wed 05-Nov-14 16:44:30

X-posted.

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 16:44:35

You're right how would I know if he did sad he was growing weed in his flat while I was pregnant and told him there's no way the baby will be going in there, I actually spoke to his girlfriend for the first time xouple weeks ago when they split up and she told me he still smokes it in there and he wouldn't give it up for anything shows how much he puts himself first. He's got a Rottweiler aswell which is the softest dog he's so sweet but my god he doesn't like any attention being on the baby so I said lool don't feel comfortable with the dog there and he said yeah I know what u mean he fpr jealous, then its oh I want 2 more Rottweilers. What the hell is wrong with him???? Absolutely no common sense at all and he wonders why I worry!

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 16:49:03

Hi @dancetojoy, these are definitely massive concerns I have with the whole drug taking even if it is only cannabis. Haven't reported to rhe police just becauSe it would cause so much trouble sad but without a doubt if that stuff ever goes near my son I will 100% report it. Am not having him round that at all, If this does go to court I've got so much to back me up but do u think it would go against me for not putting him on the bc?

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 16:50:30

He sounds like an immature, irresponsible arsehold to be honest.

I'm not sure why you're allowing contact.

Look, access is supposed to be for the benefit of the child so that the child can have a relationship with both parents.

Is your son benefitting from this?

You need to put steps in place to keep your son safe and if that means blocking contact until your ex can be assessed then so be it.

Contact Social Services, tell them your concerns.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 16:51:28

Arsehold?! Arsehole, I mean smile

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 16:59:52

Well the reason being is because when said on the phone to him about him having weed around he kicked off and said "I don't want to get on the nasty side of him he will make me life hell" I'm not scared of him but scared of what he would do as in taking the baby which am sure he is capable of doing. His just don't know what to do MAyb court would be the best thing to ask for supervised access. I'm still breastfeeding and quite often so it's not like he could have loads of contact anyway if the courts decided to let him have him on his own. and you're right he is very immature. It's always about his girlfriend and his weed never about what's beSt for our baby. One of he numerous times they split up he a couple of months ago he also told me his girlfriend made him chose between our son or her, now hmm does that give a good impression to her? Am supposed to let her around when she must clearly resent the fact we have a baby together. he said he ended it with her as he chose his son yet they are back together, who is that choosing??

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 17:03:52

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes on there I'm raging while typing lol

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 17:07:18

It's such a mess but it's actually not something you have to worry overly much about.

Why don't you speak to a solicitor? Find out your options and make a decision based on that.

But making threats is against the law. He cannot threaten or harrass you. I know you're afraid of him taking the baby but he can't! Not if he's not around him...

DanceToJoyDivision Wed 05-Nov-14 17:14:32

Look. This twat can say whatever crap he likes to you but that doesn't mean he's right! In what ways could he make your life hell? If he is threatening you or your DS you must report him to the police. If you feel he might take the baby and run you must stop contact immediately.

He currently has no parental rights as he's not on the birth certificate. So you can withdrew contact now if you feel he is not providing a safe environment. If he wants to see him, he must first apply to be added to the birth certificate. Only then can he apply to the court for contact. This is why you should report his drug use/dealing now. So that when he applies for contact you can prove that your concerns.

But would he bother to go through the hassle of putting himself on the birth certificate and then going to court? Habitual weed users, in my experience, tend to talk a lot of shite but are not the most motivated of individuals.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine Wed 05-Nov-14 17:23:29

Don't put him on the birth certificate

Do report him for drug use and dealing, give as much detail as you can anonymously and keep your fingers crossed he goes to jail again, that way he won't be a problem for a while

And if possible try not to let your child be seen anywhere near a Rottweiler that is showing signs of jealousy

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 18:20:37

True, I've always been very sensative and protective overthinking things getting myself all worked up but can't seem to not overthink things don't know how lol. You are all right and should report it and stop contact. When baby goes to his dad's sisters I always feel he's safe there and I tell her straight if anything goes against my word that's it. Will definitely keep him away from the dog aswell, this is all me being stuck up tho apparently well no actually I just have morals and want the best for my child. Dont think he would go through the hassel of courts as what he says and what he does are two completely
Different things.....p.s I went to see a solicitor and am going to see another one on Monday so fingers crossed x

DanceToJoyDivision Wed 05-Nov-14 18:28:05

Good for you OP. Don't let this man bully you.

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 18:37:16

Thanks so much, your help is much appreciated xxx

starlight1234 Wed 05-Nov-14 20:17:24

You need to get what you know logged with the authorities. Should it end up in court only hard evidence counts so you do need to report it to the police.

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 21:14:22

Very true, I have kept messages from him incase it goes to court. With the threats unfort that was over the phone and have no proof sad

CarlyKins Wed 05-Nov-14 21:14:57

Should of reported it to the police on the night I'm an idiot!

WomanScorned Wed 05-Nov-14 22:12:37

It worries me that people think that reporting ex for dope = evidence. Or that actual evidence of drug use automatically = no contact/supervised contact..

In my case, ex admitted to smoking dope in order to avoid being tested for it. The judge ruled that the cost of testing wasn't justified, as he wasn't disputing it. He was told not to smoke during his contact with our DS, aged 2. So he said ok, and that was that! Even when he tested positive for cocaine (crack)prescription meds(not his prescription) and chronić excessive alcohol use, the social worker

Aaargh, my phone is being a dick!)

Anyway, the social worker's report recommended unsupervised contact, leading to overnight stays! I was ordered to make him available for contact all this time but couldn't even get supported contact, never mind supervised!

Can you afford a solicitor/court case, OP? Can your ex? If not, it might not even get to court. As a PP said, dope smokers tend not to be highly motivated individuals.

If you really believe your baby is being exposed tonabis, or indeed, any smoke and to customers in and out, then you can reasonably stop the contact.
The dogs alone would be enough for me, tbh.
The onus would then be on him to take action. It doesn't sound like he can afford legal representation, nor that he is mature enough to put himself across well in court.

WomanScorned Wed 05-Nov-14 22:14:46

Please disregard typo's - my phone hates me!

Waltermittythesequel Wed 05-Nov-14 22:45:00

I don't think anyone said that, did they?

I think most people recommended SS and police, so that her worries are on record.

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