Divided children at Christmas

[foolonthehill]

Do any of you have experience of Christmas when children are in different places. Mine are all close together in age. Escaped from abusive marriage (to me and DCs) 3 years of lovely time just me and DC but now have a court order so ex has the standard EOW and half of hols. However ex has managed to spoil his second chance with first one then another child...he hasn't changed at all :( but that's another thread....

so it looks like 2 children will spend Christmas day and the week following with their dad the others will be with me. My family live away and so we will see them after NY but not for Christmas. How do I make it ok for those who are with me? Any ideas? Obviously I will be plastering the fake smile over the sadness and worry that having the others away bring to me....

[foolonthehill]

PS. They are a bit too young to be volunteering, but too old (pre and early teens) for playing and pyjamas.....

[starlight1234]

I don't have experience of split families but I do spend Christmas just my DS and I but also he is much younger.

The thing I enjoy about Christmas day just the 2 of us is we can do what we like. I would try and keep in a few traditional stuff you do. Make it special but also ask at that age how they would like to spend Christmas day.

[foolonthehill]

Thanks Starlight.

the problem is that we can't really "do" Christmas as half of our family won't be there and we will have had a special family day on Christmas eve before the younger ones go.

The children themselves just burst into tears when i ask them what they want and say..."sib and sib to be here and to be normal like we always have been". Obviously not deliverable!

[mojo17]

Can I ask why it isn't deliverable?
How old are the dcs who are supposed to go with their dad? How do they feel about the split Xmas?
Can't you explain how it would in the child's best interest to keep them together?
Sorry for all the questions

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Hmm I agree, whatever the court order says, surely ruining Christmas for all the DCs by splitting them up isn't in anyone's best interests? Especially being away for a whole week.

I'd be asking all the DCs what they want and then both parents have to fit around that.

[foolonthehill]

Not deliverable because Ex is a twat of highest order......

Court order is for all children (in April this year) very oldest DD was given choice not others but older ones have had enough of his terrible manipulative, bullying behaviour, stood up to him and were banned. Younger ones are 8 and 9. Still too young to vote with their feet and last time I was in court I was told I "must not stand in the way of the Father DC relationship" implied threat "or they will go there more".

Not only this but this is a lasting arrangement ie they will be with their father for Christmas week each and every year; until he gets bored, they get hurt or they decide not to go.....

[foolonthehill]

mojo: the younger ones want to have a "normal" Christmas but have been sold a line about how "naughty" their siblings have been and how that is why they can't come to daddy's any more. As the younger ones currently still want a relationship with their father they have clearly internalised the idea that if they ask for what they want they may end up in the same position...not seeing him at all.

Deep down they know that the story is not true but it is causing many many problems in our family...and not just at Christmas.

Ex is a very EA, manipulative individual. His speciality is "splitting" where he sets others up against one another to draw the fire/anger away from himself....

[mojo17]

Omfg really!
If I was you I would log this abuse asap it is emotional abuse no doubt about it
Go to gp phone WA first thing and explain and perhaps they could could come up with a plan I feel sure they've come across this kind if divisive abuse before
This can't go on your poor dcs

[foolonthehill]

logged,

WA wonderful,
GP wonderful
Children's services...ohh well we can't be looking at that now, you've been assessed by CAFCASS this year.
Judge...well Mrs Fool, in my experience these things tend to calm down when the mother accepts that this is just the way it is going to be. I take a very dim view of anyone trying to come between the children and their father...."

omfg indeed

[blackeyedsusie]

poor children.

you have to make it fun for the older ones. you can not all sit and mope. try to do something that they would not be able to do with younger siblings around.

do you get any christmas days with them?

[foolonthehill]

Hi,

I get the eve of Christmas eve and Christmas eve with all of them, he gets 1st weekend of the Christmas hols and Christmas week from 25th am to 6pm 30th.

The weekend is manageable as lots of preparations to be done, wrapping, decorating etc. 23rd we have a panto booked, 24th will be Christmas for us (favourite lunch, Christmas film, stockings) 25th early am will be open stockings and presents from children to one another and from me. It's what we do on 25th/26th as just me and older ones that is a bit tricky....after that the world will open again and we can get out and about. Definitely don't want to just mope about.

I will have 31st to beginning of school on 4th...and will travel to see my family.

[foolonthehill]

Christmas day is the main thing that I need inspiration for....the world is closed......

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Then perhaps you just have to see 25th as your boxing day? Lazing around eating leftovers from your 'Christmas day' and watching Xmas movies that the others wouldn't want to see. I'm sure if they've all had fun the day before and in the lead up to the big day, they won't mind which day the festivities happen, take the pressure off yourself and just try to enjoy the whole season with all the comings and goings, without making a point of them not being there on one particular day.

[mojo17]

Yep then the 24th will your Xmas day they dill have two Xmas dis! Wine in fir them but if you think he will kick off do t tell them until the night before
Have your Xmas dinner and pressies and everything and then have another Xmas day
Please try to persue the unjustness of it all though

[foolonthehill]

thanks alll.

do you know you have made me feel better just by being there and seeing the madness as madness. It's not just me that thinks this stinks for my poor DC.

Early happy Christmas to you all, and according to taste