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My husband has left me and our 3 children this weekend totally shocked

(31 Posts)
Isabellawmids2006 Tue 28-Oct-14 21:48:48

On Saturday my husband rang me whilst he was at a children's party with one of our three children he told me he didn't love or fancy me anymore and there was nothing I have done or could do.
Our children are 2 years 6 years and 8 years I am so shocked I gave up my well paid job in march to be at home for the children more and to support his career more as he needed to work away. I feel disgusted about myself that he does not find me attractive I thought we had the perfect life and a fantastic future. I am so worried about what will happen to our lovely mortgaged house as there would be no money left to support him so what will happen to us I feel so sick sad
There was no indication he would do this apart fro he has lost loads of weight and is obsessed by his appearance but denies seeing anyone

BCBG Tue 28-Oct-14 21:56:12

Im so sorry sad - there is someone else, 100%. I hope that others with experience and advice are along to help you so. You can and will get through this x

pieceofpurplesky Tue 28-Oct-14 21:57:58

Oh OP six months ago my world fell apart in the same way. People will come along and say other woman etc. but all I wanted to say was I understand your pain. Find someone in real life to support you. Will post later

Pancakeflipper Tue 28-Oct-14 22:01:35

Oh you poor thing. What a shitty way to do this ( and down right cowardly).
It is going to be a long journey and more and more things will no doubt come to light.

But first you need to take care of you and the children. You are what is important.

Get an appt with a solicitor to get info on what you could be facing and what you are entitled to.

Has he moved out? Please don't let him 'play games' with your emotions. If you are never sure how to respond to him remember you don't have to - you can take your time and respond later.

Take care

CurlyWurlyCake Tue 28-Oct-14 22:03:27

Do you have anyone to help you in RL? I'm so sorry sad

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 28-Oct-14 22:03:54

Sorry to hear you're going through this but sadly I agree this screams of OW hmm. Chances are he'll keep denying & it might take weeks/months before you find out the truth & even that will probably still be a crock of shit "we met after we broke up" but don't torture yourself wondering what you did wrong or if it's your fault in any way as HE has done this NOT YOU. Stay strong xxx

Happypogostick Tue 28-Oct-14 22:06:03

Horrific. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you.

Isabellawmids2006 Tue 28-Oct-14 22:09:01

We even remortgaged in August borrowed another £60k to have an extension that was due to start next week we got a 5 year fixed deal but he said he knew from early spring he didn't love or fancy me but liked the family life. He's from a messed up upbringing and me and my family have always felt sorry for him and I have made excuses for his detached emotional state over the years I have been with him for about 15 years I really don't know how I will cope what makes me so upset is I could understand if I had let myself go but I haven't I even ran a half marathon 2 weeks ago it makes me think he never fancied me at all and that is really breaking me. My children are so shocked its half term they were so excited about half term my parents are devastated my mum collapsed when she found out they loved him they supported him whilst his mum has been vile to him over many years and now he's back living with her I can't sleep I do t know what to do everyone is saying I am calm but I can't fall apart as I can't destroy the kids they are upset enough

ShebaQueen Tue 28-Oct-14 22:11:39

How awful for you and what a cowardly way to tell you! Hope you and the DC are ok. Sending you hugs and strength. Given the details you've provided, I must admit that I'll be shocked if there isn't an OW.

Legal advice is essential for you now, find out exactly what you're entitled to.

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 28-Oct-14 22:18:27

If you managed to extend your mortgage in August when you weren't working ie on 'D'Hs salary alone, then presumably he's reasonably well paid so you may well find you can afford to stay in the family home if not indefinitely then at least for the foreseeable future. Gather as much evidence of his earnings/savings/pension etc as possible and get legal advice ASAP.

furcoatbigknickers Tue 28-Oct-14 22:20:42

He does have someone else.

furcoatbigknickers Tue 28-Oct-14 22:20:55

I'm sorryx

Coconutty Tue 28-Oct-14 22:23:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whyMe2014 Tue 28-Oct-14 22:23:59

I so sorry you poor thing. Sending love and support.
My husband left me and my two children in August he told me he didn't love me anymore etc - then I found out in September about the OW and now he's moved two hours away to be with her. I'm still in shock.
There appears to be a formula these men follow. It's so cowardly.

starlight1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 22:27:55

You will be in shock.

TRy and do the practical things, look after yourself and your kids. Get legal advise also is there an option to return to your job?

Cancel the extension plans if you can and the extra debt on the mortgage. It will be ok. Mine were only 11 months and 2.3 years when we separated. I'd cry in the shower so they couldn't hear me. I hardly ate and sent long frantic emails to my ExH begging him to work things out.

You discover how strong you are, horrid things come out of the woodwork but it's not you, it's him. You can't fix him. But you can give your DCs a happy upbringing alone.

Mine are now 5 and 7, I've just been in looking at them sleeping. They're so settled and at peace now. It will be ok.

Seek legal advice so you know where you stand but you don't have to start the divorce process if you're not ready to yet. You're in shock still.

Can anyone come and stay and help you? Just until you feel better. Do see your GP if needed.

I didn't end up on ADs to begin with, I was too busy surviving but there did come a point where I needed help.

The marriage has failed but you're not a failure. You've just run a marathon! This is another type of endurance and you can do it!

Ledkr Tue 28-Oct-14 22:35:42

Why do people all come on to say "he's got someone else" on these threads.
Don't you think the poor wil an has enough to take in at the moment without sticking the knife in further.
Op it happened to me too, you have to get lots of advice and in between have your little fall aparts and moments of desperation and rage.
Get lots of friends on board, make a few little plans to look forward to and enjoy and you concentrate on helping your little ones as happy as possible.
You will be fine with time and sooner than you can believe right now.

onedevil Tue 28-Oct-14 22:36:00

Oh Op, I'm so sorry you're gong through this. Who knows why he's done what he has, but from reading the boards here, there does seem to be a pattern to these things which usually involve someone else.

I agree with those who say to get advice from a solicitor - no need to do anything rash but at least knowing where you stand & what you may or may not be entitled to will be a good place to start.

Good luck Op & stay strong.

Ledkr Tue 28-Oct-14 22:37:27

Poor woman sorry!

momb Tue 28-Oct-14 22:39:40

What everyone else say about protecting yourself legally and financially is of course true. I would add this: do not take to heart or believe any of the faults in you or your relationship he cites as his reasons. He is rewriting history in his own mind to justify his behaviour like a child dose to answer back for doing wrong. He is the transgressor here: not you. Do not get caught up in the whys and wherefores because he has rehearsed this and it is all nonsense.
Concentrate on your children and yourself and everything else will work itself out in time. Sending you strength xx

onedevil Tue 28-Oct-14 22:56:51

Sounds like very wise words momb.

Isabellawmids2006 Tue 28-Oct-14 23:02:07

Hi thanks for answering me everyone it is appreciated
I have driven 4 hours away to stay with my brother and to take children to have a nice half term we were planning to come anyway I just brought it forward and came without him. He is sending me loads of weird texts like he hasn't written them using not his language at all and accusing me of being out of order taking children awAy from him I have asked them to call him but they said no And were getting upset so I didn't push it. I can't believe he would have an affair as he is lazy in terms of anything other than work plus I manage all our finances so where would money for affair come from I am killing myself trying to guess why and if there is someone else. I don't want him back now but I am scared about how our life will be and he will move on quickly I guess he already is saying he wants to take them out for the day like he is already an absent dad taking them out fur an exciting treat! I said as soon as we are back he can come over and spend time with them in house and do homework and stuff like that. I have outdo much into this marriage everything. I have appoint with solicitor on Friday what should I expect from a first meeting ? Extension is cancelled

makemineapinot Tue 28-Oct-14 23:13:34

Good for you, you are doing all the right things. The exact same thing happened to me 6.5 years go and we git through it and have emerged on the other side much happier than we were befire. When you get home get passports, birth, marriage certificates etc out of the house - if you are doing the divorcing you'll need the marriage cert. solicitor will give you the best advice. My house was heavily mortgaged and I had given up my well paid career to support our family so panicjed, but I was able to keep the house - got a mortgage through Cheltenham and Gloucester as they (and RBS, first direct etc) take child tax credits, WTC, child benefit and maintenance (csa or court ordered) into account so things might be possible. You have done nothing wrong, he probably has met someone else and you need to prepare yourself for that. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to keep a fairy with dates, times and details of conversations. Screenshot texts and keep emails etc as I used them in court. Get angry and stay strong. You will be fine in the long run, it might be a tough road to get there but you will get through it. Good luck and fight for yourself and your children - you will find the strength xxx

handfulofcobwebs Wed 29-Oct-14 01:12:51

Sweetheart, I really feel for you. I was where you are a year ago.

At the moment, don't worry about the house, he will have to support you and your DCs. You do need to see a solicitor, hard as that is because you are still in shock. Try and get a friend to go with you because your family are also in shock. A friend will take in more of what the solicitor says than you will and be able to take notes. Most offer a free 30 minutes, I emailed all in my area and in the end saw two and settled on the second one.

It is natural to feel 'disgusted' with yourself but this isn't about you. This is about him and he probably checked out of the marriage a while ago. I remember my STBXH telling me he was 10 steps ahead of me and I was playing catch up. He has had time to think things through and you haven't.

I couldn't eat without vomiting. I lived on bananas, yoghurts, build up and jelly for months. Eat little and often.

I saw my GP weekly, he was so supportive and knew both of us and was initially shocked but then told me my STBXH was doing something called guilt transference, it is a true state of mind to make them look better for the horrible thing they have done. They detach, are cruel and totally unrecognisable. Eventually, I had to go on ADs and Beta Blockers. I'd never tell anyone to take them as people cope in different ways but they help me so much and just took the edge off and allow me to function. Eventually, I was able to smile again.

I cried, I sobbed every day. I couldn't stop. I was ill, I was desperate. My friends and family were a huge support to me. I had a couple of friends who checked up on me every day, taking it in turns. I didn't want to see anyone but in hindsight, I was so glad for them being there. I will be eternally grateful. Just to have someone hold me and let me cry meant the world.

In my low times, I called the Samaritans, they always managed to calm me down. They are always there. I had anxiety attacks and problems breathing at times and they talked me through some calming techniques.

After a couple of months, I bought myself flowers every week. I booked massages and had my hair done. You need to be kind to yourself.

MN was a lifeline for me. I actually had 3 or 4 threads that got full up each time. I posted in 'relationships' as there were a lot of women who had been through what I was going through. The advice I got was invaluable and I didn't feel so lonely when my DS had gone to bed.

Your life will be different but you will be okay. Hold your DCs close, they will be your strength. You will get through this. I couldn't see it at the time. I had a 'perfect' marriage, a 'perfect' future planned together. He destroyed that for me but I do believe Mums have a certain strength.

Don't hide your feelings, it's like grief. You have to go through this in order to move forward. Do practical things and you will feel more in control but take your time.

thanks for you

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 29-Oct-14 05:38:56

I'm sorry that you've had such a horrible shock and I'm glad you have people to be with.

I can see your head is full of questions and that you are looking to yourself and wondering where you've gone wrong. In a situation where a previously OK marriage suddenly ends without warning and when the person bailing out cites a fairly vague and unlikely reason like 'hasn't loved you for some time', it is so often that they have their eye elsewhere that it's almost a cliché. By which I mean that .... it's not you. He's acting impulsively, selfishly, cruelly and the real reason will come out in due course.

Your first priority is to look after yourself and second your DCs. Everyone's going to be upset for some time and you need to eat, sleep, and allow others to take care of you if the offer is there.

Your next priority is to make sure the household wheels keep turning, bills get paid and so on. Your husband has responsibilities still. He may be able to walk out on you but he can't walk out on a mortgage. So please don't panic or do anything hasty. When you feel ready, get good legal advice.

If you want support specific to your situation you'll find quite a few others in the same position on the Relationships Board. Take care.

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