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What would you do?

(16 Posts)
Whatever21 Fri 24-Oct-14 19:04:19

Mr DCS love their Dad, they hate going to his new house.

In their words, they describe being excluded, unhappy that they have to share their Dad with her DCs all the time. Give very clear examples.

They describe his partner as ignoring them, never speaks to them, cooking food they do not like - so pudding is banned and early bed with no treat ( this has almost stopped after I told EX) but now they are only cooked 1 type of dish, everytime - they are good eaters, no rooms for them to put stuff, even though a 4 bedded house - so everything has to move -toy, clothes bikes etcetc.

They describe other emotional abuse - which there is little I can do as EX will not address the issues.

Last week, some good friends - who have remained neutral, went to stay with them. They have confirmed, that everything they say and more goes on.That she does this in front of guests and EX does nothing - suggests to me they are oblivious to the harm they are causing.

I am gutted that EX allows it and she thinks it is OK to emotionally abuse kids.

Do I confront him more than I already do about this issue

Minibirdyay Fri 24-Oct-14 21:10:36

There is nothing you can you about your exp's new partner's attitude which sounds awful and selfish. I would discuss with your exp and focus on the needs of DC rather than his partner's behaviour. Give the examples they have given you as close as you can to their words and make sure he is aware that DC have needs that are not being met at his new house. Avoid using charged terms such as emotional abuse as these will not help the situation (presumably these are your words, not your children's). Just say that your DC love him and miss spending time alone with him and also need a room of their own to feel secure and wanted.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 25-Oct-14 09:37:19

Food I would take out of the equation I cook only one dish in my house you either eat it or you don't, there are no puddings and no treat before bed. So that is styles.
Are the adults who visited prepared to I've statements about the emotional abuse ( the only side they will be taking is the children's). If they are I would consult with a solicitor, but you may have enough evidence to limit contact.
This will not be an easy route I did it for verbal abuse that my ExH and his partner ( though mostly her it would seem) committed on my DC.

Whatever21 Sat 25-Oct-14 09:47:30

I do not want to limit contact - they see him so little as it is and that is what she wants. If he never saw them again, I swear that would fit into her plans.

There is no doubt who wears the pants in that household and EX is spun in circles trying to see his kids and appease her needs.

The food is an issue and I did bring it up. This was nothing about different styles of parenting - I say the same. The issue was around her cooking everytime the same meal which both DCs did not like ( have never liked) and the only time pudding and straight to bed are brought in, is when she cooks this. Now they get one dish and no punishment etc if they do not eat it.

Just wish he would grow some balls and see how he is being manipulated all the time.

I know the husband of our friends has organised to go out for a drink with EX to chat.

Cardriver Sat 25-Oct-14 10:07:08

I think it's bloody awful that they don't see their dad much and when they do they're given meals that they obviously don't like. If they're not there often then how hard is it to make a meal that they do like. It's like when the dc have friends over, there's no way I would cook something that I know they dislike, e.g. spicy food.

WWID Depends on ages of children and how often they're there. The obvious thing is to talk to ex but I suspect that's not going to work so it's about helping your DC to handle the situation.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 25-Oct-14 11:10:06

But if there is emotional abuse why would you want your children to go into this environment.
I limited contact to ExH only in a public place initially, so DC still saw him, but alone and somewhere where it was very hard for the EA to occur.

Quitelikely Sat 25-Oct-14 11:14:49

I sympathise with your situation. However emotional abuse is quite a strong statement to throw around. Children get removed from parents for the very same term.

Can you provide an example of this abuse? Feeding tea that the dc don't want to eat wouldn't fall under the umbrella not would no pudding

Cardriver Sat 25-Oct-14 11:48:02

But if there is emotional abuse why would you want your children to go into this environment.

It's not always that straightforward though. My ex is emotionally abusive towards DD2 but when I considered cutting contact I realised that her not seeing his family would cause her just as much emotional harm. So I feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I've just made sure that I've been there for her and it's only now at 14 that she's starting to break away.

Whatever21 Sat 25-Oct-14 16:34:18

the DCS are 8 and 5.

Emotional abuse:
Completely ignoring DCs, not speaking to them for a whole weekend

"your mummy hates me and the reason you do not see your Dad is because she won't let you"

"we do not have enough space in the car for you to go to xyz, we are just taking our family"

"your mum is very difficult, if she would talk to me then we could all be friends again"

"your mum needs to buy you proper clothes - ie labels, she does not spend enough money on you"

"we can not take you on holiday because we give your mum too much money, if she pays you can come with us, otherwise you will miss out"

"not allowing any clothes, toys etc to stay in the house - " you need to take your stuff away, we do not want it in the house, it is dirty, like you"

"he is not your daddy anymore, he belongs to me"

"your nana is evil"

"you should not prioritse your children ahead of me - it is not fair"

crying hysterically when ex does organise a day with just him and the DCS, until he gives in and cancels it

refusing to let them sit next to the father on the sofa, because that is her space

when he sits down to do something with them one on one, she starts crying and saying she can not cope.

On the rare occasion they take them on holiday, not washing their clothes for the whole trip

Before anyone says DCs lie, at least 3 of those were witnessed by our friends.

They are children, that is emotional abuse, they do not have the maturity to process this - whilst I may not use the inflammatory words to EX, that is what it is.

Whatever21 Sat 25-Oct-14 16:40:45

Quitelikely - feeding the same tea on every occasion they go there and punishing them if they do not it eat. Knowing that they do not like it - eldest DC gets severe abdo pain and diarrhoea and always has done from this meal, second DC - I know follows eldest sibling and may or may not have the same reaction, have never tested the theory = 1 x explosive diarrhoea to deal with is enough.

Then when DCs have made an attempt, the inevitable happens and there is mess and telling DC off, bad manners, do they not know what the toilet is for, just because your mum lets you crap on the floor ( I do not) we have higher standards than that.

That is what.................

starlight1234 Sat 25-Oct-14 20:28:04

I would hate it. I would let mutual friend have a chat first. This may resolve things more than you saying anything.

But no I would not allow my child to be given food that makes him ill and yes I would demnad this is sorted out

Minibirdyay Sat 25-Oct-14 22:34:48

OP Reading your examples paints a clearer picture. You describe both emotional and physical abuse. It sounds like your XH new partner has jealousy issues and your children would be better off with limited contact with your XH if he will not deal with her. Try getting your friends to help and if that does not work stop putting your DC in this situation and PROTECT your children. They should not be exposed to his new partner's behaviour

angelwings3 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:12:29

I would not let your children go to that house ever again and if it means he has no contact then so be it. No you time but at least your children are safe with you and no more abuse thrown at them. Stop letting them go there now, so what if she has won!!! You would not be subjecting your children to horrendous behaviour by an adult, wonder if she is nasty to her own kids like that. How manipulative is that!!! Sorry I am seething.....rant over. OP no offence but grow some balls and tell her to do one...

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 01-Nov-14 19:56:08

Are these decent people who have witnessed it or ones who would say "I don't want to pick sides/get involved" if asked to give information to an appropriate professional?

NAR4 Sun 02-Nov-14 11:22:58

You could tell your ex that he can maintain contact with the children but they are to haveno contact with his new partner.

Sounds like a horrible woman who should never be in contact with your children.

Aliennation Sun 02-Nov-14 12:38:45

I would confront her and challenge her on her behaviour. Probably via letter/email detailing all the examples of EA and the effects her behaviour has on your dc and their relationship with their dad. Of course she won't actually care so I would go on to say that you'll have no choice but to stop contact and that it's likely her DP will, quite rightly, blame her and that ultimately it could be the demise of their relationship. That should get her attention.

Meanwhile I would immediately stop overnights and keep contact visits short. The food issue can be solved by sending food with them. Either a cold dish or homemade soup to be reheated or whatever they like that doesn't require cooking.

On the plus side it's unlikely they'll want to continue contact with their waste of space dad as they get older, he is afterall enabling the abuse.

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