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Breaking up in pregnancy.

(11 Posts)

It's my first time posting on this area of mumsnet, I have posted before about this in relationships but didn't get much response and was hoping that some of you lovely ladies who frequent this area may have some advice on how to deal with this situation.

My ex and I broke up last week, and I'm currently 14 weeks PG. We hadn't been getting on for the two months, I will admit I wasn't the easiest person to be around but between a fulltime job and studying for my PGCE I have been exhausted. I have also been suffering from undiagnosed stomach pains which have lead to my being taken to hospital.

In my mind he has been so unsupportive and not had any consideration for the fact that my plate is overflowing and I need help.

Last wednesday we had a huge fight and I ended things which to be honest I now regret, however I'm not sure if this comes from fear of the unknown or a genuine desire for us to remain together. He has pretty much ignored me since he has form for stonewalling in the past. However while I would normally pander to this I have forced myself to be more distant this time.

I am now considering my options and thinking about where to go from here. The most pressing issue I face is where to live. I could remain in my current house it is rented and in my name (ex doesn't live here) or my sister has offered for me to live with her.

Part of me thinks that living with my sister would provide me with alot of support however I am worried about being isolated as I don't know anyone in the area, nor do I drive and it is a rural village where as I live in the city center.

Ex has stated he wants to be part of the baby's life however I have my doubts about him following through on this. How do I ensure that he can have a relationship if he does choose to do so without it having a negative impact on me or the baby when it is here?

Lilylonglegs Tue 14-Oct-14 23:46:10

I was in the same position as you, but our relationship was rather brief as he lives abroad. You are lucky that you cut out the stress now as to be heavily pregnant and have the burden of someone being unsupportive and stressing you out is not nice at all as I can attest to.

I think you have to think of the baby and cut out personal feelings. Give him the chance to be a good dad. He may surprise you. As long as you don't have concerns about the child's safety I would first of all let him come and see the baby whenever he wants to and then perhaps later on it can be more structured visits.

Ihatechoosingausername Tue 21-Oct-14 23:39:11

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, me and the baby's father broke up 2 months ago.

I'm back at my mum's. I don't know many people either but my plan is to join a few mother and baby groups, join a gym perhaps, and I keep an eye on the local buy and sell groups on Facebook (I've heard they're a good way to meet people). I say this because I think living with your sister would be a good idea (Can't she introduce you to people?). You may need some support for the first few weeks after the birth. My mum's taking 2 weeks off work when mine is born so I can have a break to have a cry if I need to.

I don't know what to suggest about the relationship with the ex. I've cut mine out completely. If he wants a relationship with his child he'll have to go through the official channels (He was abusive and Social Services want him to prove himself before he is around the baby).

America1 Sun 26-Oct-14 07:58:46

Hi ladies, my husband left me 6 weeks ago totally out of the blue im now 34 weeks. Nice to read that im not alone x

Mumsy75 Tue 28-Oct-14 21:48:38

Hiya. My ex and I split when I was about 6 weeks pregnant due to DV towards me and my other child.
Best thing that happened tbh as looking back now I realised he was controlling too and didn't do much in helping bring our first child up. This at the time I never realised as was too busy with baby Nr 1!!!!
I was scared at first. Scared of being alone, scared of being a single parent and also scared of bringing a new baby into the world and looking after them as well as another. But found out there was nothing to be scared of. Friends and family are supportive and always there to help in different ways. I find it very useful to talk. Don't bottle things up and then everything seems a bit easier and a bit more in perspective. Also found these forums great ��

starlight1234 Tue 28-Oct-14 22:42:06

Hi.

I didn't leave my Ex till my DS was 10 months old. We moved to a knew area where we didn't know anyone. I had to make myself attend grops, some I loved some I didn't but it does mean I know a lot of people in the area. I have some very close friends here.

I would consider what support network you have where you are now. How you can see life moving on. Could you live with your sister? I know I couldn't live in the same town as mine. would you want to stay there short term for a few years. How would you go when it is time to return to work?

Give your time to think through . Don't rush into any decisions

MEVA Sat 01-Nov-14 01:58:30

Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time of it. I'm 5 months pregnant and in a similar situation in terms of being sick of the arguments and feeling unsupported. See www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2214960-Pregnant-and-thinking-of-splitting-up-Help

Being pregnant makes you feel so vulnerable (it has me anyway) and it's important that your partner gets that - it sounds like yours doesn't, like mine. Will this change when the baby is born? I used to think it would but now I'm beginning to feel daft for ever thinking it would be any different. Selfish people very rarely become 'unselfish'

What is important i think is for you to feel like you have a support network. I'm thinking about moving away to be nearer to family because I don't really have many close people where I live - do you have other people around you?

I think deep down we know, or it will become clear, what is best for our babies. Personally, I've been so upset and concerned with 'why is it like this?' that I've not had the chance to step back and think what is best. When the fear and sadness passes however, things will look much clearer I'm sure. Stay strong x

LJARoo Mon 03-Nov-14 22:19:17

Hi. How are you doing? Men are so f*** useless :-( I've been on my own since the very start of my pregnancy, I told him I was pregnant, 2 days later he was in Ireland and i've not seen him since. My baby boy is now 9wks old and OMG he is amazing and guess what...I did it all on my own! My god it is HARD. I chose to do it alone from the start so you think I would've been prepared myself but after him messaging me saying he wanted to be a part and involved, then not? and playing games he is now blocked from my life and it hurts like hell. Hurts that he never even wants to meet his son but it's his loss. I was a wreck for 4 weeks after he was born, I had a totally amazing home birth but everything after that moment was just awful. However now I am feeling a 'bit' more myself and just enjoying every second with my Baby Roo as he is so big already. If you ever need to rant feel free to message. i hope you work it out hunni xx

KaziB01 Tue 04-Nov-14 20:51:56

Hi, my partner has told me he is leaving completely out of the blue, up until 3 weeks ago all was fine but he has buckled under the stress of work and impending fatherhood and has imploded basically deciding leaving me is the best thing for him. I am 21 weeks pregnant with first baby and also do not know many people in my area. I am planning to still go to my NCT classes albeit on my own and hope to meet other mums that i can then talk to. I guess none of us have any choice but to be strong for our bubbas x

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 09:51:37

Ladies I just wanted to say - it gets better.
I've been a truly lone parent since day one, he walked out when I was 14wks pregnant and I never heard from him again. My DD is almost 7 now. She assumes she doesn't have a dad (because I've always taught her that all families are different) and, at least for now, she's not bothered. She's a very happy girl with great male role models in my family. As for me, I did pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child by myself (with invaluable family support). I work full time and provide everything she needs. It's tough going but it possible smile
I have no idea what it's like when a father wants to be involved but I just wanted to say- whatever happens, you will be ok. You may not even know the strength you have inside you yet, but you'll find it when you hold your baby

adiposegirl Thu 06-Nov-14 14:51:29

I really am sorry to hear this.

I could not imagine going through such a process alone.

Its a mans duty to be with his woman at such a wonderful yet trying time. Why are men such twats?

Let him stay gone. Try not to think about him, least you increase cortisol levels, (not good for baby)

Defo stay with your sister or family you are close with.

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