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New, very new, lone parent

(7 Posts)
SmellsLikeHorses Thu 09-Oct-14 18:25:11

I have only been a lone parent for 11 days and even though he has acted like such a dick and demonstrated beautifully the reasons why I asked him to leave in the first place we do seem to be, for now anyway, settling into our new situation.
I still have losing our home hanging over us but thankfully I have managed to talk him down from the action he started that would have had me and his children homeless. I have managed to buy myself and our two children 60 days to sort out a new guarantor for our rental family home (his Dad is on there at the moment and STBXH went direct to the letting agent, without attempting to communicate with me in any way before hand, and told them that he and his father wanted of the tenancy right away. He had failed to consider the implications of this at all and when my friends EXH called him on it and asked him if finding a new guarantor would be something I would find hard he simply replied 'Yeah, but what does she expect, the council will house them'. We live in a little village, we would be in B&B waiting for housing, we would likely be housed miles and miles away from home, the children would be ripped from our close community, their home and their school. Our youngest (6) has SN and it would be absolutely horrific for him and very damaging in every way), I am hopefully going to sort this out. I have options to explore, not that STBXH knows this while he is unhappy to be living with his parents at least he is secure there. I can't get over the fact he is willing to do such harm to him children so that he can get what he wants. The selfishness, bullshit and constant, constant lies about anything from the stupidly unimportant to paying for the roof over our heads.
Sorry. I didn't even intend to go into any detail there and I just found myself typing, I am still so angry and let down by the behaviour that led to me asking him the leave and then by his behaviour since. It has improved though. He has given me the 60 days, he has agreed (and has mostly done so) to pay the bills that where all due just after he left the family home, he has agreed to the child maintenance amount set out by CMO although he so far has only given me 1/3 of the amount each week as 'he hasn't got it'. Have wanted to scream at him asking him how he thinks his children are eating, keeping warm, having hot water to wash and all the rest given I have no access to any funds bar my £20 a week earnings. I am managing though, just about and finally he is also having regular contact with the children, managed to get something that worked in place quickly and children are doing pretty well. My 9 year old dd is pleased, she is much happier over all. Ds struggles to understand but due to the way he forms emotional attachments means that as long as his needs are met the person there doing it isn't so important.

I have no idea really why I am posting really. I guess it all has to come out and sometimes its nice just to let it out to people who are not linked to it all. I have been the picture of grace on Facebook and have held back when talking to people round the village but its all there, bubbling.

OP’s posts: |
LittleBabyLucas Thu 09-Oct-14 22:23:59

Will your landlord accept housing benefit? It's a guaranteed rental plan and would mean you and the kids could stay?

As for cmo call them ask to be put on to collect and pay they take his money and what's owed and make sure it's sent direct to your account.

Xx

SmellsLikeHorses Thu 09-Oct-14 22:58:20

Thanks for replying.
The letting agency don't normally accept housing benefit however I have been a very good tenant in this house for 8 years and they are willing to work with me however they do insist on a guarantor who earns over a set amount and can get through their checks. Unbeknown to me STBXH my Mum, who previously wouldn't have met the earnings level now does due to a change in her employment (complex thing, same job, same place, her department kind of sold off!) however it takes time for her to get everything sorted. I have got a possible plan B but I could not even ask these people unless I get to the desperate stage, if my Mum fails the checks for some reason (we don't think she will but her history isn't perfect and you just cant know) as going as guarantor is a big ask of somebody, they are putting a great deal of faith and trust in you.
I am worried that housing benefit are going to kick up a stink though about paying out while STBX is still on the tenancy even though I have put the date he moved out on my form and it would be pretty easy to prove that he isn't living here, does anybody know where I might stand on that?
Over the child support I am hoping that we can sort it between us, he has agreed to the amount and I am going to insist on a direct debit on his payday and that should ensure the children get it. One of the many reasons we are now where we are is his chronic inability to understand that money is a finite resource and payday every month isn't winning the lottery. Given he is with his parents and isn't paying rent I hope he wont have too much of an issue paying as long as I have that dd set up. Once he leaves his parent then that may change, I will look at it again either then or if the monthly dd doesn't work out. I am not factoring it in when planning my monthly budget though just encase. The issue is right now I need money to feed kids, I need it now, not in arrears at the end of the month. I need him to understand that at the end of this month when he gets paid he will need to pay for one full month and the money owed from him not giving me it all in the last two weeks (and the next two weeks before he gets paid again) I have written down how much he has given me, when and that it has been cash as I want to cover my back as much as possible. He is rubbish with money but his Dad is a retired accountant who doesn't like me very much! I will email his next week with all this info and my new bank details so he can set up the dd. We shall see.

I just feel so sad we have got here, we used to be such good friends, for years before we where ever together. We had been together near 11 years, married for 7 but I am now realising that 'the tough year' we had after the birth of our second child never actually ended, I just became a bit dead to it all and just wanted it to be better and for me not to have an x-husband.
Even with that sadness I still feel a million times better then I have for years, I have a new wind of energy and impetus that I haven't had in years, I am getting things done, I want to get things done. I am remembering all these things that I used to be able to do that I had just stopped even trying for and it is really empowering. So yes its shit, yes Im sad, yes I have big big worries but I feel like me again.

OP’s posts: |
LittleBabyLucas Fri 10-Oct-14 19:40:13

My ex is still on the tenancy the housing benefit is in my name. It goes on who 8 living there not who is actually on the tenancy.

Seriously sort out cmo it takes the strain off.

My mum was a guarantor for me it's only a risk to them if you don't pay the rent. As you'd be on hb it's guaranteed rent.

It will get easier I left my ex in July and things are only now starting to even out
Xx

Frusso Fri 10-Oct-14 19:56:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmellsLikeHorses Fri 10-Oct-14 23:35:41

Thanks for the replies.
Thats good news about housing benefit, they where telling me when I first phoned them that he would have to be off tenancy for me to claim alone but I had a niggling feeling that there must be some room to move, there are any number of reasons I can think of why somebody on a tenancy may not be living or paying into a house may still be on a tenancy. After a very frustrating conversation with a different representative this morning who refused to answer my simple question (At least it was to me, what exact documentation they wanted from me and what was the best and quickest way for me to get it to them) straight and started trying to tell me I needed all sorts of things I hadn't been told previously and I would need and then tried to tell me I had given them this type of document before when I know I couldn't have on the claim that had been running but was stopped as soon as I told them my new situation as STBXH was the principle claimant (did discover that STBXH had started a claim several years ago but not finished it, don't know what that was about, was for the family home and starting but not finishing something that could of eased of money issues sound about right).
He just kept confusing me with irrelevant things that don't apply to me and refusing to give me a simple answer, even when I stripped it down to a point by point question. He spoke over me, patronised me and was incredulous that I haven't and don't have proper access to the joint bank account. He was awful but I did finally get what I needed from him (and annoyingly need a letter from my employer about my status with them that had they told me I needed when I first contacted them could have got two when I got the one for employment support allowance). A very frustrating call and it did upset me just out of pained frustration however I now know what I need and where to take it, I just then needed to find somebody with a working printer to print out my tenancy agreement and then somebody to drive me into town on Monday to take it all in, I can't wait long enough to get the once weekly bus into town on Thursday! Thankfully my call for help from my village was swiftly heard and I now have all that in hand.

I have applied for Tax credits, housing benefit with council tax reduction, employment support allowance (I work 3 hours a week and have a chronic health condition that hugely restricts how long I can work. Once I am up and mobile I plan to build my freelance working so become as self sufficient as I can) and I have already sorted the child benefit to be going into my new account (first shiny payment came in to day due to very lucky timing).
I think I have applied to everything I am possibly entitled to, please let me know if there is anything I have missed.
Neither ds nor I would qualify for DLA (or what ever is now for new claimants, I understand it has changed). I was denied years ago when I was much more disabled then I am now with my condition, I could have appealed then and been awarded most likely but I was in a bad bad place and just couldn't face it but I wouldn't get it now, it is too complex an issue with the way it effects me to fit into their little boxes, the doctor and I had a hard enough time trying to work out how to phrase my medical note for employment support! Ds would not get it, his needs when it comes to his care just aren't great enough, his needs differ from most children his age but not enough, it has been talked about in TAC before and all agreed it would be a non starter with his particular needs.

I think once everything is sorted I am going to be in a better position money wise then I was in my marriage, at least now I haven't got somebody spending what ever comes in from under me like water while ignoring or hiding vital bills that are unpaid.

Employment support allowance is not a long term fix from what I understand but will give me time to build my freelancing around my physical capacity, I am unlikely to ever be able to work enough hours to support us without help but from what I understand there are options.

OP’s posts: |
SmellsLikeHorses Fri 10-Oct-14 23:36:07

Gosh sorry my posts are all so long!

OP’s posts: |

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