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Single Muslim mum finding it so hard to cope with the end of my relationship ..... Help

(15 Posts)
noorqt Sun 14-Sep-14 16:28:05

To all, my husband left me and my 2DD's (4&5 yrs old). He left me for another woman and since then I have been in immense pain and heartache for losing him. I love him with all my heart and and finding bringing up my beautiful innocent dd's alone painful. I mapped our life out together but feel pain as he let go of our dream in the midst of such a precious time of my dd's lives. I cry all night for him and feel so very helpless .... I feel let down by society and community that do not recognise the hardships of Muslim woman who are left on their own, I have no family support as I left my family to marry him and 13 years later he leaves me with nothing ....

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starlight1234 Sun 14-Sep-14 17:19:06

How recent is the separation?

I am unsure why you believe it is harder for you. I have no family support despite been white british had to move to another town for safety reasons where I knew no one.

You need a completely new approach.Make new plans,and plan a fitire for you and your girls. starting out will be tough but it does get easier.

noorqt Sun 14-Sep-14 21:28:03

I know and appreciate that it is difficult regardless of religion but in Muslim communities in the uk(I can only talk about the uk... As born n bred) that people (in Asian communities)are very judgmental and will always blame the woman. I know for a fact I will never be able to meet another man especially having daughters .... There is such a stigma attached to Muslim woman who are divorced and have children (it's not pure religion but the mixture of backward culture that we woman have to also deal with) .

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CharlieBee Mon 15-Sep-14 09:30:50

Hi OP, just to say hang on in there and it must be very hard. Glad that you have reached out for support. I know when my husband left I felt that I would never be able to manage on my own (had a 2 and 4 year old at the time) as I was very dependent on him. For example, I was very nervous about driving anywhere on my own and hopeless at making decisions. I also had very little family support as my mum is a few hours away and was looking after my dad who was very ill. However in a way it was the making of me because I realised the only person I can really depend upon is myself, and I could either go under or decide to do my best for my kids. 2 years on I am a much stronger person and have managed to conquer some of my own personal fears along the way. Still single and not expecting that to change anytime soon!
It must be hard with the added cultural stigma you describe. Seems quite unfair. Do you have any friends that are more open-minded that you can confide in?

MargotThreadbetter Mon 15-Sep-14 21:00:50

Are there any support groups you can join for Muslim women in similar circumstances OP? It seems that as well as the break up you have cultural issues to deal with too.
Good luck, you will get there. This is not your fault, hold your head up and show your daughters how strong you are - be a role model for them.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 15-Sep-14 22:25:39

It must be very tough but I get that there are some lovely Muslim men who don't care about the stigma. Tbh op, non Muslim women tend to get blamed for the fecklessness of our men. It's a sad by product of the messed up patriarchal society we live in.

In the mean time try to remember that he is not worth your love if he is a cheater. Why would you want a disloyal man who can leave your family like that? You are worth better. Chin up and allow yourself to grieve but stay strong for the kids.

You must have some lovely friends somewhere?

superstarheartbreaker Mon 15-Sep-14 22:27:19

And you know what? If you can show your girls that you can be strong without a man then maybe that is one step to making your culture a more tolerant one.

I'm a single mum and I see it as showing my girl that I am strong and would rather be alone than put up with a bad man.

overmydeadbody Mon 15-Sep-14 22:33:19

You are a strong independent woman.

You need to start fighting back against this oppresive culture you are in. You have a choice. You do not have to be part of it, you can build your own life with oyur own friends and support network, it will take time and effort but you can do it.

Your religious beliefs do not have to dictate who you see socially and who your support netowrk are. If the people in your 'community' do not support you, then find a new community of support, even if it is just one friend.

Teach your DDs by your example, that they can be strong independent women too.

And if you want a new man in your life you can have one, it is your choice. You can even whispers change your beliefs if that is what you want to do.

LePetitPrince Mon 15-Sep-14 22:35:06

Poor you, that sounds very rough. Have you spoken to anyone - family, friends - in real life?

It's so recent that I wouldn't worry about whether or not you will meet anyone again.. All that can wait. For now just focus on your girls who will need you to be strong.

yummytummy Wed 17-Sep-14 18:32:55

you can definitely meet another man, there is absolutely nothing in islam which says you cant if thats what you want in time. of course finding one is another issue but never tell yourself things arent possible. show your daughters you can be strong independent and fulfilled either with or without a man

MexicanSpringtime Sun 21-Sep-14 04:18:39

Not only is there nothing in Islam that says you can't marry again, but also the prophet, peace be upon him, made a point of marrying women who would otherwise have been in a very vulnerable state.

SoonToBeSix Sun 21-Sep-14 05:00:03

Mexican at least one of his wives was in a vulnerable state after marrying him. Or do you condone sex with a nine year old girl?
Op I hope you can stay strong for your girls.

SoonToBeSix Sun 21-Sep-14 05:02:08

Mexican just to clarify my question was rhetorical I am not suggesting for a minute you think sex with a child is acceptable.

MexicanSpringtime Sun 21-Sep-14 14:51:52

SoonToBeSix There is actually some evidence that Aisha was probably about thirteen or fourteen when they married. She did love him dearly and became one of the wisest people of the first community.

noorqt Sun 21-Sep-14 16:24:22

Thank you all,you all seems so strong and wise I hope I have it within me to be strong for the sake of my precious daughters. confusedconfused

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