Hi everyone,
First off I need to state i'm a Dad but i'm in dire straights and need some help so not even sure if this thread is in the right place.
Right,
I am a dad to my 12 year old son but I'm not his biological father. I was there from the second he was born and he doesn't know that i'm not his bio father. Me and his mum were together for 12 years but in January this year she wanted to break up. In February this year she met a new guy and they started seeing each other. In May this year they got married and were all living together. In June this year she tried to take her life but was unsuccessful. I have been a part of my sons life during the last 8 months and I have tried to support my ex (we are good friends still)during these last 8 months due to her relationship and her mental health being rocky...
Now my situation:
On Monday I got a txt asking if I could watch our son overnight but I couldnt as I was working until midnight. I found out during the course of the night that her marriage was over and she would be moving out. On the Tuesday she was packing her stuff up and my son came to stay with me after school. She was in contact various times over the course of the day. I last spoke to her on that day at 11pm and she told me she would come and explain everything to me on the Wednesday. So Wednesday came and it got to the afternoon with nothing from her. I was concerned so I went to some local hangouts to see if she was there. On my way back I got an email from her stating:
I don't expect you to understand any of this but I wanted you to know I was alive and well....ish. I've left Edinburgh for good and won't be coming back. I can't even begin to try and explain any of this but I need to start over. As I've had pointed out to me in the last couple of days, I am a selfish person and a shit mother and I agree. I don't want to be a mother, I CANT be a mother when I can't get my own life right.
I am writing this so you know I am not coming back and there is no point in looking - I need to find my purpose and can't do that with all the bullshit at home. After this email, I will not be using this account or my phone again but I will write when I get sorted.
Please make our son understand that none of this was his fault and that I really do love him and that the decision to leave was the hardest one I have EVER had to make. but if I had stayed it would only have ended one way - with me dead. And I don't want that.
Thank you so much for everything and for trying to be a fantastic friend even when I didn't deserve it. I will always love you and hope you can find happiness too.
There is more in the email but its quite personal but you get the idea!
We contacted the police and they managed to track her down and told us she is safe and well but doesn't want her location to be found...
So I am left with a heartbroken 12yr old boy and as much as i'm not in love with her any more I still love her and i'm heartbroken too. Our son is currently staying with her parents as I don't have any legal leg to stand on (police say there is no issue with him staying with me just the issue of legal decisions)! Her parents are keen for our son not to lose his dad too and neither do I. This Sunday I've decided to tell him that i'm not his biological dad and as much as he is hurting if she is not coming back I feel getting him a clean slate is the way forward so he can start over with no hidden secrets.
I can't stay in my current job if I was to look after him on a permanent basis (his grandparents will be acting as legal parents as far as we can understand) so I need to get a new job and then claim tax credits that I hope she has cancelled!
I really want to find her but she is off grid and nobody knows where she is and don't have a clue how to trace her!
I just don't know what to do! I don't know if I can be a single parent looking after him with no legal decision making powers even tho her parents are keen for me to share looking after him and for me to claim so the family home can be kept if she comes back as I can't afford to take her flat on myself (she kept her flat and was living here for work days). I don't know if my son will even want to see me again once he finds out i'm not his bio dad! I don't know if I need to be a biological/official guardian to claim child tax credits and child benefit. I just dont know if I can cope with it all as this year has been really hard on me and i was close to doing the exact same thing a few months back but I wasn't involved on a daily basis so the impact would have only been our sons feelings etc
I have probably missed out loads of information but I just need some people to give me some advice as I am lost and I just don't know how I can take this all on!
Thanks for reading!
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Support needed! Need some good advice (long post)
18 replies
BigD1984 · 29/08/2014 22:29
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