advice please - ex not seeing children.

[meandmyfour]

Feeling so down about the fact that my kids aren't seeing their dad. Briefly, non molestation in place since January, he got back in touch in April, breached the order, was arrested and is now on bail til September and not allowed to make contact with me (thank god) but can still see the children just has to make arrangements through a third party/solicitor. My solicitor wrote to him six weeks saying that I was keen for him to have regular contact and inviting him to contact her with his proposal for contact that didn't involve me. No response. I should mention that I blocked his phone number a couple of months ago, felt I had no choice.
A week ago my eldest son saw him in the distance in the park near our house - apparently it looked like he was crying. Can't think of why he would have been there unless he was hoping to see me or the children, feel uneasy about him 'lurking' and also worried about his emotional state.

Anyway, it's really stirred me up. The thought of him crying on the common has me feeling sorry for him (when I really shouldn't be). I WANT him to see the children but just to leave me alone. Am debating getting my sister to email/text him to reiterate that he IS allowed contact and can contact her as a third party but everyone who knows me and the situation is saying that he does know that, the solicitor has made that clear and that the ball is in his court. My emotions are just clouding my judgement so much.
Should I get my sister or solicitor to send another email or is it really down to him to get in touch?
Thanks ladies xx

[cestlavielife]

just leave him to sort out contact.
you are not blocking it.
it is up to him.
you wanting him to do something has no impact.
it is entirely in his hands.

just support your dc and answer truthfully eg I don't know if they asking why they not seeing him.
.

[cestlavielife]

if you genuinely worried about his emotional state you can inform his GP - they cant and wont tell you what they do with that information but it will ease your guilt if you think he may do something...
but it is not your responsibility.

[juneau]

If he's in a bad place emotionally do you really think its good that he has your DC? How old are the DC?

You've done your part OP in making it clear that contact is welcome, now its up to him. Time and again there are posts on MN where people want to change the behaviour of others and want advice on how to do it. You can't! You can invite contact, but that's where it ends. You have to let it go or it will drive you crazy.

[meandmyfour]

thank you. I'm frustrated with myself and how, years on, I'm allowing the situation to drive me crazy as you say Juneau...
The children are 11 and four...and yes, I'm not sure how great is emotional state is. I think a lot of is pre court nerves - I have to appear as witness because he's been charged with breaching the order and I'm absolutely dreading it.

He can't contact me via email or mobile phone so the only way really is by contacting my solicitor or writing me a letter. Is that reasonable enough of me?

[juneau]

Yes it is. He's breached a court order and this is how it has to be. If your solicitor has invited him to make arrangements and he hasn't done so its his bad, not yours. Please stop torturing yourself and just assume he's out of the picture until such time as he isn't. Presumably he just doesn't feel up to having the DC, but whatever the reason is I would just factor him out of your plans until he gets in touch (and don't sit in waiting for the post!)

[starlight1234]

You have done what is right. Invited him to contact.

[meandmyfour]

thank you. I'm going to keep re reading your words. As well as my books on co-dependency