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She won't accept the gifts for their DC, what should we do.

(14 Posts)
mumbocrumble Thu 07-Aug-14 18:28:07

My DH is in the process of trying to establish contact with his DD who is 2 years old and he has not seen since 9 months old, the mother has blanked letters asking for contact. We had been keeping many gifts and cards aside for their DD as mother is extremely hostile, however DH decided to send them and hope that she might be allowed to have and enjoy them while they are still age appropriate. DH's dad is in contact with the mother so he can have access to DO and confirmed she reacted very negatively to gifts and most likely did not allow DD to have them. DH just tried to give another set of gifts consisting of books, colouring pens and books and clothing via his Dad but the mother is refusing to accept them. I was wondering if I could get any advice on what we should do....If we post them she will refuse to give them to DD. Shoulder we keep them for her incase DH gets contact? He is about to apply to the court for a contact order and represent himself. Any experience of these situations shared would be much appreciated.

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Purpleroxy Thu 07-Aug-14 18:41:00

There must be more to this. If she's now 2 and he hasn't seen her since 9 months, he should have gone to court at least a year ago if he was being ignored.

mumbocrumble Thu 07-Aug-14 18:45:36

There is a lot more to it but it would take a novel to explain. Basically it has taken a while for DH to develop the courage to represent himself in court, he has severe dyslexia which has massively undermined his confidence. Mother has also ranted and raved all over fb consistently and threatened his other children etc.

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Sassyb0703 Fri 08-Aug-14 07:06:51

Representing yourself is not at all difficult. Go to the family court and ask for the form. Fill them in (3 copies I think - can't remember name of form but explain to court you want contact with your children) The court will sent your ex one copy and a date to attend. In our case (very hostile ex) she made all kinds of spurious downright untrue allegations as to why dc not 'safe' to be with dh (despite many years of eow contact - but stopped when I came on the scene) any way when you get to court there is an officer for CAFCASS there who will take you into an interview room - seperately ! where you can both make your point/voice your concerns. You the go to see the judge who makes a decision based on those discussions.. In our case dh was accused of being a violent alcoholic (something that I seemed to have missed during at that time 5yrs of marriage) Despite having no proof of this allegation, judge had to be sure so ordered a liver function test which would definitely show abnormalities if the allegation was true, but immediately re-instated contact with the added proviso that ex had to do all pick ups drop offs until liver test back at the court..that made us smile But Dh not to drive his DC...but could continue to drive my dc (!!) . So back to court two months later . liver test absolutely normal and ex ticked off for being obstructive. Contact reinstated as per our request without restriction. Easy to do, court very helpful with procedure. When we did it it cost about 80 but I think it's 200 now. Well worth every penny.

mumbocrumble Fri 08-Aug-14 07:41:49

Thanks so much for your advice. DH does in fact have a history with alcohol and drugs and one incident of DV (not against the mother) whilst under the influence which ofcourse she will bring up, however she was happy to ignore all this when pushing for him to see their DD in 2012 but it had to be all on her insane terms which were about her anger and emotional control over him, not her daughter. We are expecting hair trend tests etc etc which will prove he has been sober for years now and has a happy family home with his two other children and me.

He has already offered supervised contact as we understand that's what will be ordered as he has no relationship with their DD and his history. His letter to the mother asked for 8 supervised visits with his brother and sister on law at their home as the mother has kept contact with them and left their DD with them for visits. He also said he would go to a contact centre if that's what she wanted. But no reply.

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greeneggsandjam Fri 08-Aug-14 18:58:47

Was he part of their life at all when he was going through that period in his life?

mumbocrumble Sat 09-Aug-14 13:51:02

Yes he was still drinking and living with her and their DD For the first 4 months

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starlight1234 Sat 09-Aug-14 16:18:06

You won't like my post but she has every reason to be wary. You have no idea what she went through. you know his version and his is a hazy memory. I can tell you if my ex told me he stopped drinking I would not believe him he lied far too many times already.

With my Ex I reached the point where I wanted a court order for contact as I felt this was safest for my son. she may feel the same. why the gifts? is he paying maintenance?

Why did contact stop

mumbocrumble Sat 09-Aug-14 16:29:59

Yes he is paying maintenance. The gifts because he wants to send things she might enjoy, he wants to see her, he thinks of her all the time.
Contact stopped because she set a number of conditions and ultimatums which were based on her contact with him not their DD. She refused 3rd party, stated he had to come to all parents evenings etc (difficult as 2.5hour distance between addresses) he had to ring her every week to ask about their DD to prove his love. Attend parties she had organised, separating their DDs birthday on his visits was not sufficiently 'showing his care'. He then did agree to the conditions but she cancelled a visit because I had helped him write an email when one of her conditions was for him not to discuss their DD with me (even though we were living together), he then told her he was going to seek legal aid and she then hacked onto his Facebook writing abuse over pictures of him. He at that point gave up.

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mumbocrumble Sat 09-Aug-14 16:30:54

He has written offering to go to a contact centre for visits or be supervised by his brother whom she still has contact with. She is not responding though.

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Fairylea Sat 09-Aug-14 16:58:04

Who was the incident of domestic violence towards then? What were the circumstances? Having worked in women's refuges to be honest as there is a history of drugs, alcohol and violence (even one incident is enough) he was lucky to even get any contact awarded at all. And then to effectively give up because of harassment from ex (which he should have reported straight to a solicitor and carried on with contact) it doesn't look good to be honest. Sorry.

CKOneIjustLoveIt Sat 09-Aug-14 17:09:46

Going without a few presents won't harm his daughter, so he shouldn't agonise over whether to keep the presents or not.

Here comes the tough love bit, just to help you empathise with the 2 year old's mother. Empathy will help in the long run. Right, you call the baby's father your DH. So even if you've only been married a short while, I presume he knew you before you got married. Which must mean that he married you when the baby was a year old. He's a fast mover. He moved on quickly.

You may gloss merrily over former drug and alcohol addictions and a conviction for domestic violence, but I would think twice about sending my dog to the home of a man with a domestic violence conviction. You seem to blame her for 'bringing it up' as though it is unreasonable of HER to mention what he has done in the past. Sounds like blaming to me.

It'd be unusual for a man to go from 'never laid a hand on a woman' right to conviction for domestic assault. There is usually years of DA before the police get to know about it.

And finally, if she's been ranting all over facebook, it's her sstory as she's fit to tell it. I know when I left my x I was so traumatised I needed to talk to people about it. I was venting not ranting. (not on fb, but I did vent, continuously)

Pinkballoon Sat 09-Aug-14 18:11:59

Agree with StarLight and CKOne. You have only heard his version of events. I strongly agree with his ex demanding supervised/ contact centre contact given his previous alcohol and drug issues.

I would steer clear of making judgements (reference to 'insane') about why his ex is doing what she is doing. From the sound of it, she has had more experience of him than you, and has every right to put her child's welfare first. And what she does on Facebook is her concern.

Was there an overlap between you meeting him and him being with his ex and child? The dates seem very tight.

mumbocrumble Sun 10-Aug-14 08:59:49

Him and I were together for 5 years and now have a 6 year old D...he started dating her about a month after we split. She was on the pill but fell pregnant within 6 weeks. Relationship failed, by the time their dd was 3 months old. He and I reconciled and she was obviously very bitter and unable to negotiate contact rationally. She hacked onto his fb and wrote abuse over photos of him with our DD and v obsessive over the two girls and how her DD was missing out on her father while mine wasn't.

The DV incident happened to me whilst he was under the influence. He is now sober and not a trace of any violence.

I have been advised by family mag that contact will be granted despite his history on a supervised basis.

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