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Help please.

(36 Posts)
Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 15:56:28

My ex partner and I have a 10 month old daughter. We don't live together so he doesn't see her every day. When we do meet he feeds her, plays with her but doesn't really know her needs.
He wants to have our daughter on his own for daddy time. He insists he doesn't want me around and complains his family don't see her.
She doesn't really know his family all too well and I know she will be upset in front of strangers. She is also going through separation anxiety at the moment.
I don't want to put my baby under stress by leaving her with my ex partner and his family.
What do I do?

OP’s posts: |
MrsWinnibago Tue 29-Jul-14 16:26:46

Is there any reason that you don't trust him or his family? The thing is, he's her Dad and time alone for him and her is important in that they will get to develop more of a relationship...he will get to know her needs that way.

His family are also her she needs to get to know them too. Can you build it up slowly? Perhaps he could take her for one afternoon first...just him...then later after afew times like this, he could introduce his family.

cestlavielife Tue 29-Jul-14 17:08:15

your baby will be fine.
separation anxiety is normal but often child will be fine once the transition is made. it is not a reason for her not to have contact with her other parent and his family.

Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 19:02:54

It's his family I don't trust. We don't get on. The baby was never wanted by him nor his family. I had nothing to do with them while I was pregnant. They didn't even tell other family members I was expecting!
My ex partner wants it all to happen now, he thinks it's easy for me to hand her over to him and it's not.

I'm not using it as a reason for no contact. The idea that she wil be upset worries me.

OP’s posts: |
IfNotNowThenWhen Tue 29-Jul-14 19:08:06

He can't expect you to just hand over the baby and walk away, if he has not had much experience looking after her, and if the she is going to get really upset.
There is no need for this to be an abrupt thing, at all. You baby is still really little, and If you need more time to build up to your Ex having contact alone, and to gage whether it is actually in the best intrests of the child, then take that time.
Don't be bullied. Anyone can provide sperm-it doesn't make you a father. That takes effort.

Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 19:21:40

He does expect me to, because he's her dad. He sees it as 50/50 yet I'm raising her alone. He just wants the glory of being a father, when it suits him. He does nothing. He pays for nothing. What am I to do?

OP’s posts: |
whattodoforthebest2 Tue 29-Jul-14 19:27:38

If she can see him in familiar surroundings and get to know him well first and then he takes her out and about a bit to build up her trust, that will help her feel at ease with new family members when she meets them - at that point she'll have a person she knows well to comfort her and let her know she's safe.

IndiansInTheLobby Tue 29-Jul-14 19:29:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 19:57:50

Yes this is exactly it! He wants to be seen as the amazing dad but he doesn't put in the hard work I do.
I live with my parents and he is not welcome in my house because my parents disagree with how he works.
Why am I made out to be the bad one?

OP’s posts: |
IndiansInTheLobby Tue 29-Jul-14 20:25:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 20:43:24

Yes totally agree. It's like what I want doesn't count. It's all about him and what he wants.
Where do I stand on him looking after her? Am I right to say no? Is it my choice because I'm her mother and resident parent?

OP’s posts: |
IndiansInTheLobby Tue 29-Jul-14 21:01:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachellily2013 Tue 29-Jul-14 22:51:50

But he won't even meet me to do that. He is adamant he wants her on his own. He says I'm being selfish and thinking of myself but I'm not! I have my baby's best interests at heart!

OP’s posts: |
BlackeyedSusan Wed 30-Jul-14 01:00:26

email him a suggested schedule of getting dd used to being with him, eg at your house while you gradually withdraw and be out of the room more, then while you are out of the room all the time, building up to a couple of hours away with him. she needs to be confident with him. all about her. do not mention how you will feel. just what is in her best interests. perhaps you could take dd to his family and drop off there once she is used to being with him for a couple of hours. he needs to put the work in.

bluebell345 Wed 30-Jul-14 07:48:51

I agree with you.
what does your family say, to allow or not to allow?

IndiansInTheLobby Wed 30-Jul-14 07:53:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SiennaBlake Wed 30-Jul-14 11:12:46

If he won't compromise and build up to it, he isn't putting her interests first. I'd tell him to go via mediation and court. That way he will have to build up to it gradually and by the time it happens, she will be a little older. That's if he even bothers.

Rachellily2013 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:20:21

I don't live alone and he is unwelcome in the house because my parents dislike him.
I don't get on with his family at all, they have even said they don't want to see me.

If my mom had it her way he wouldn't be in my daughters life. But I don't want that, I want him to be apart of her life. My family think I shouldn't let him have her as she is too young and doesn't know his family well.

He doesn't pay csa. He hardly buys her anything.
I'm worried that if it goes to court, they grant him everything he asks for.

OP’s posts: |
SiennaBlake Wed 30-Jul-14 19:23:38

Court will eventually grant him contact because both he and your child deserve it (unless he is a major safety risk). They would advise building it up gradually though the same way you want to and wouldn't go straight to him having her alone if he hasn't spent much time with her.

Although, if he doesn't buy her anything and doesn't pay CSA, I do wonder if he would actually pay for court and all that.

Rachellily2013 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:46:13

I doubt he would pay for court. His mummy would probably pay for it all. I've thought about going through child maintenance options instead of asking him for maintenance directly. Do you think that is a good idea?

OP’s posts: |
FrontForward Wed 30-Jul-14 19:50:50

I think you have to compromise here. If you are both unwelcome in each other's homes then you need a neutral place where he can see her and you leave him to it...but are there in the background. Build up to leaving his child with him so that he does the care.

SiennaBlake Wed 30-Jul-14 19:59:22

Re the child maintenance thing. Some won't agree but I think its important to take into the account that it could escalate things while emotions are high. If you are scared of courts, he could use that as a revenge for the money thing.

But if you think it will eventually head that way anyway, I'd apply asap.

Rachellily2013 Wed 30-Jul-14 20:03:17

But isn't it his responsibility to pay for her?

OP’s posts: |
SiennaBlake Wed 30-Jul-14 20:09:36

Yes. But that's where it's up to you to decide which part is most important to you.

IndiansInTheLobby Wed 30-Jul-14 20:23:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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