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How do you cope when the father of your child is a truly evil person?

(38 Posts)
Pinky99 Wed 25-Jun-14 12:32:05

Hi everyone,

my young daughter has recently started seeing her father. He comes to my home once a week and we all spend a day together. He and I split up when I was 2 months pregnant so this is really her first experience of him. He is a charming and intelligent man and she is currently delighting in her new relationship with him. But he is also an extremely duplicitous character with a psychopathic personality. He loves no one, but pretends he does, as this makes controlling them a lot easier.

I can assure you I am not exaggerating when I call him 'evil'. But as I know he tries to find me on various social media, I'm not going to give any specific details.

Though I have welcomed contact from him, as I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father so she feels 'normal and like all the other boys and girls', I struggle to keep the friendly smile on my face when we see him. To put it simply, he makes my skin crawl and I struggle to breathe properly in his company.

I would NEVER leave my daughter alone with him, or have someone else supervise the meetings. Anyhow, he would never agree to a contact centre.

I just really want some support from those of you in a similar situation and to hear how on earth you cope with it ???

NigellasDealer Wed 25-Jun-14 12:36:36

i wouldnt have him in my house to be honest
so 'he would never agree to a contact centre' therefore he is still controlling you.
why would you want your daughter to have a relationship with a psychopath?
personally I would move 200 miles away and ban him from my house.

Butterflyspring Wed 25-Jun-14 14:10:16

no I agree - your home is your sanctuary and I wouldn't let him over the threshold. Agreeing to a contact centre sounds like the only safe option for you and your daughter - if he disagrees then maybe he shouldn't see her.

Bonsoir Wed 25-Jun-14 14:12:09

I think you shouldn't let this man into your home.

7Days Wed 25-Jun-14 14:14:29

if he really is evil, as in would cause harm to somebody, I wouldn't be keen to have him in your daughters life at all

if he only pretends to love people, how will it be for your Dd when this becomes apparent?

drivenfromdistraction Wed 25-Jun-14 14:18:15

Letting him build a relationship with your DD is only setting him up for an opportunity to manipulate and control her IMO.

MollySolverson Wed 25-Jun-14 14:35:29

I don't have him in my house. I used to bring dd to play centres for them to meet. thankfully he's cut contact again now so we don't have to see him. He is evil and I don't want him in dds life if at all possible. Don't let him in yourbhouse and don't be fooled into thinking the best thing is for DC to see their father no matter what. Good luck

cestlavielife Wed 25-Jun-14 15:18:04

He comes to my home once a week

this is not necessary. you have no obligation to let him in your house. if he is to have a relationship with dd it should be away from your house

and we all spend a day together.

this is madness. you are pretending to be a lovely family when inside you seething. it does no good for your or dd

so he wont agree to contact centre? well tough. its that or nothing. why cant you trust anyone to supervise?

you do not need to martyr yourself and be around him for dd sake.

if he is as bad as you say you setting up dd for a failure and angst in the future.

frankly you don't have to be in his presence there is no one will oblige you to. so don't do it.

if he wants contact with dd, and dd wants contact, then arrange it elsewhere supervised by someone else.

Pinky99 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:44:26

Thank you for all your replies. I let him come to mine as he has a 3 hour drive to get here, and It would be hard for them both to get to know each other in a coffee shop etc. And he definitely wouldn't do a contact centre.

Just prior to him making contact, my daughter realised what 'Daddies' are all about, and I could see she was very confused about not having one herself. This really upset me. Then he got in contact, and I thought it would be the right thing...

I do not have any relatives, and this is another reason why I thought knowing him would be good for her. I love my daughter so much it pains me, but it can be very intense with it just being me and her.

Letting him build a relationship with your DD is only setting him up for an opportunity to manipulate and control her IMO Yes, I agree with this drivenfromdistraction and that is one of the reasons I find the meetings so stressful, I'm constantly listening for anything that could be mind games on his behalf. Obviously there has been, but so far just towards me, which I can handle.

She's only 3 years old, and it would be hard at the moment for him to mess with her mind as I'm constantly present. He doesn't know at the moment that I'm never going to leave her alone with him, but in the near future when he'll ask to have her for the weekend and I say no...that's when I think he'll stop contact.

And how do you explain to a young child that their father doesn't want to see them...without causing them emotional harm ??

MumOfTheMoos Wed 25-Jun-14 15:59:59

You say he wouldn't agree to a contact centre but what if that's the only way he gets to see his daughter?

The approach he is taking is all about him getting at you, in your home and nothing about his relationship with your daughter.

Remember this, he does not have a right to see his daughter - any contact is about her needs and rights. He had NO right to come into your house.

He is manipulating you.

So, thus is what I suggest. Tell him that it's a contact centre and he is no longer allowed in your house. That's it.

If he tries to cone to the house and won't leave then call the police.

Give him the details of he contact centre and the time and leave it with him; it's his choice if he turns up or not.

MumOfTheMoos Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:57

You don't explain that their father doesn't want to se them you just say that you don't know why they didn't come today.

My father was always trying to get at my mother through contact with me. For a long time she wouldn't get out of the car at drop off and pick up time. He still spent time with me and that was a good thing and he didn't get to manipulate my mother.

cestlavielife Wed 25-Jun-14 16:19:35

if you are convinced that once she is old enough to go voernights you will say no and she wont go and eh will stop contact then why would you start contact now? it makes no sense.

either you prepared to build contact with a view towards overnights in the future (in the absence of actual reported harm neglect abuse) or you not. in which case he could go to court and would get contact.

it makes no sense.

if he wants to pursue contact with his daughter then he does it in a contact centre /elsewhere.

if he wants contact in order to get at you then you have to say no to seeing you - but yes he can see dd and you not be there for contact.

now she has seen her dad, knows she has one then no more contact unless it is elsewhere. it is of no long term interest to start this being altogether lark when you clearly dislike your ex and feel uncomfortable in his presence.

to be fair to dd -offer contact but not at your home.
that he lives three hours away - did he move away or you?

willingness to travel three hours shows a level of commitment.

cestlavielife Wed 25-Jun-14 16:20:58

also what is your evidence of his evil side? is there any? or has it only been to you?

Pinky99 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:23:06

Thanks mumofthemoos He would never do a contact centre because it would render him somewhat powerless, and as he's incredibly arrogant he'd also find it too undignified.

It all sounds crazy I know, I'm giving this man access to our daughter when I know he will never genuinely love her or care about her.

But in my head I think I'll be able to manage him enough, and she'll be happy that she has a "Daddy" in her life. But if this contact continues then I am setting her up for emotional manipulation by him when she gets older. I'm thinking she herself will sense 'he's not a nice person' when she gets older, and then at least she's had a chance to get to know him.

Or is it best that she doesn't have a relationship with him at all?

I'm just trying to weigh up which is going to be the most painful for her.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 25-Jun-14 16:30:45

Why would you feed your daughter to the lions just because all the other kids have a kitten?
All children don't have fathers, honestly they don't. One good parent is enough. Don't you have friends in lieue of relatives? My child has several aunties and uncles who are actually no relation. You can build a family, you don't need DNA. Please stop this madness, as, ultimately it is your dd who will suffer most when you bring a psychopath into her life.

PurpleBoot Wed 25-Jun-14 16:37:13

Contact centres are usually stepping stones onto unsupervised contact anyway, so if you don't ever want that, it might not be a good idea to go there. In my experience, the contact was barely supervised anyway, it just took place in a room with a number of voluntary helpers looking on, but not actively involved. For more closely supervised contact, you would usually need a CAFCASS referral and evidence of serious risk to the child eg previous physical/sexual abuse.

MumOfTheMoos Wed 25-Jun-14 16:38:06

Personally, I wouldn't worry about his feelings about a contact centre - if he wants to see her then he will deal with them. Think about it, if someone said you can't see your DD and then said you can but only at a contact centre, you'd choose seeing her but at a contact centre wouldn't you? Because the most important thing to you is contact, not whether you feel humiliated by the location of the contact, right?

You do not need to accommodate or work around his feelings about contact centres - he just needs to deal with them and decide how much he wants contact with his daughter.

As to whether you allow contact or not, well, you need to try and leave that between your daughter and her father. My mum never stopped me from seeing my father, in fact she made sure I did. And even if I had felt like it (which I never have) I would never be able to accuse my mum of trying to disrupt my relationship with my father. So hard as that may be, I would suggest you facilitate contact at a contact centre - but you don't need to facilitate his manipulation of you - so ignore his feelings about not meeting at your house.

If he doesn't to see her because meeting at a contact centre doesn't allow him to manipulate you and he loses interest then your DD has had a lucky escape. If he continues contact then there is a hope that they will build a relationship which may not be as dysfunctional as his feelings about you.

My father, as I said before tried to use my contact with him to get at my mum. Thankfully when she stopped facilitating that manipulation and only facilitated my contact with him, he stuck with it. My father did love me, which doesn't necessarily make him a good father but was still good for me to know him.

Meglet Wed 25-Jun-14 16:44:00

I would stop the contact in your house. Speak to womens aid, or the police domestic abuse team if you have any specific criminal concerns and push for contact via a contact centre.

No dad is better than a crap / nasty dad.

Mine haven't seen their dad in 5yrs and they're fine. Stability and one decent loving parent seems to be doing the trick.

Pinky99 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:46:12

I actually think it won't be long before he stops contact. He moans about the 3 hour drive and for the first 2 months he kept trying to persuade me to move to his town, even though my child is in nursery and has friends. He doesn't really do "Effort". He hates lawyers and would never go to court for access. I know this.

Even if he did, because of things he has done, I would be astonished if a court allowed over night visits.

What are the right words you say to a small child when the father stops contact, the words that will make her understand it's not her fault, and it's not because she's unlovable?

nomoretether Wed 25-Jun-14 16:50:54

And on the other hand, some kids grow up resenting the parent that stopped them having contact with the "bad" parent.

What does "evil" actually mean? How do you know he doesn't love her?

If you stop contact altogether, you could be in a situation where he takes you to court and then it would be entirely out of your hands and given how distressed you sound, that doesn't sound like a good place for you to be, because claiming he's "evil" won't get you very far, you'll need proof. I don't mean to be harsh here, just looking at what could happen.

restandpeace Wed 25-Jun-14 16:53:39

One day dd will be older and want to see him on her own. Cut ties now

MumOfTheMoos Wed 25-Jun-14 16:56:50

I think you just say, what you've said there - you don't know why but that she is loved, wonderful all those things.

It is very tough, I know.

cestlavielife Wed 25-Jun-14 17:11:23

you need clear evidence of what he has done eg police reports.

even then if they were to you he might not be considered a risk to the child.

you said he appears charming and nice - why would dd not see him as anything other than charming and nice?
what do you expect him to do to her that would be evil?

and yes you don't try and explain what is in his head because you don't know - you just say "I don't know" " I can understand you might be feeling sad" acknowledge her feelings. but don't ever make excuses for him or imply you know what is in his head - because you do not

you could generalise -"some people are not very good at being parents" etc

she has a right to contact with him so long as it is safe.

you have a right to not be involved in that contact on any level.

jellyflop Wed 25-Jun-14 18:04:30

My ex is an evil man and I made the decision when dd was born that she would never have anything to do with him. If I had allowed contact, she would have been put at risk. I feel vindicated in my decision because he has been found guilty of abuse of his other dd, whose mum wanted them to have contact despite a clear history of that type of behaviour. Courts will say that the child needs contact and to know their biological origins, but imo it is even more important to keep a child safe from harm.

My dd is certainly in a better position than that other child (who I hear has recently had a suicide attempt, not successful thank goodness). DD knows that her dad is not a safe person to be around, is old enough now to make it clear that she would not want contact even if my ex tried to force it through courts, and she is a happy and well-adjusted young girl.

Pinky99 Wed 25-Jun-14 18:42:25

Thank you for all your replies, I can't post much more at the moment as I'm busy with my child.

jellyflop may I ask what you told your dd when she was 3 or 4 why she didn't have a Daddy around ?

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