Hurt and pissed right off.

[Cupid5tunt]

I've been seeing a guy, today he was out for football or something. Absolutely find no issues with that.

He phoned tonight saying he would pop up for a bit if I wanted and I said no, he sounded pretty hammered and he was best off just staying where he was.

My ExH was an abusive alcoholic and whilst I have no problem with anyone drinking and drink myself I don't really want someone who's been out most of the afternoon and very drunk. For one I'm sober and drunk people annoy the hell out of me when I'm sober, two it's a wasted visit if he's as drunk as he sounds on the phone three, he has a perfectly good home 10 minutes from where he is and four, I know it would remind me of when my ex used to come home in that way and it's not a feeling I like. He know's how I feel about it from previous conversations.

This guy doesn't have an "issue" with alcohol, he's just been on a bit of a bender today but he knows my ex and knows bits of what I went through. He has now twice said "I'm not xxxxx" and it's pissed me off. I feel like he's dismissing how I feel entirely based on the fact he isn't my X IYSWIM.

It's actually making me question what is an otherwise good thing.

I know this isn't AIBU but I'm going to ask the question here as AIBU would probably be slightly more brutal.

So AIBU?

[Cupid5tunt]

Sorry this sentence I don't really want someone who's been out most of the afternoon and very drunk should have ended with "coming up to my house".

This was also suggested at like 8pm not now.

[JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets]

Reply "then stop acting like him". When you're dating, you're meant to show your best. If this was his best, if be thinking been there, have the Tshirt.

[Cupid5tunt]

That was exactly what came into my head as a reply if I'm honest.

[MojitoMadness]

You're quite within your right to tell him no, (and I would have too). But if he keeps saying he's not your ex, is it possible your projecting on to him? Has done anything whilst drunk to make you uncomfortable or uneasy? If not, then I'd cut him some slack, I don't think he was in the wrong wanting to come see you when he's drunk. But on the other hand he should take into consideration how you feel and what you've been through in the past. If he is being dismissive maybe it's time for a talk on how important these feelings are for you and that you need him to acknowledge them, as well as you realising that he isn't your ex and behaves differently.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I would feel exactly the same, in fact I've heard the 'I'm not XXX' line. No, but you're equally unpleasant as him right now.

[RaspberryBeret34]

YANBU. I don't have the same ex issues but I still wouldn't especially want my bf coming round while drunk - like Jinglets said, you are meant to get the best bits not a stinky, snory drunk! I think if you were living together, then it would be OK for him to have the odd drunk night out but that is different to having a perfectly good home and wanting to inflict his drunkenness on you especially when he knows about your ex.

[Cupid5tunt]

I don't think I've projected onto him. I've been in his company when he's had a drink, I've also drank in his company. It's really how drunk he was.

He isn't anything like my ex. He wouldn't be around me if he was but IMHO the I'm not xxxx comments annoy the hell out of me.

I feel I should point out that he has said this once before (non alcohol/argument related) and I told him then I didn't like it because it comes across as condescending. I am well aware of who he is and isn't. And that I've never drawn any comparisons so it feels like it's his issue not mine.

[Cupid5tunt]

I am also fully prepared to be told I'm being ridiculous (by you ladies not him)

[Smartiepants79]

How long have you been seeing him?
It's unclear how he reacted when you said you'd rather be didn't come over.
Was he angry or did he just accept it and go home?
The trouble is much of what you feel is based on your experiences with your Ex. Drunk men upset you (very understandably).
Is he acting like your ex? The behaviour you describe in your Op doesn't sound like it. An occaisional episode when he's had a few drinks too many is pretty normal. The issue is how he behaves when he's been drinking.
Being compared and likened to an abusive alcoholic (when you aren't one) is hurtful for your partner I would think.

[Smartiepants79]

X-post a bit.
So your issue is not with how he reacts when drunk just with the fact that he dismisses your dislike of his drunkenness.
He seems to feel that you are comparing him to your Ex, and it bothers him.

[Cupid5tunt]

He accepted it with a bit of attitude and then hung up. I don't call people back when they hang up on me but I have received a couple of texts. I feel I should maybe put the context of the message where he said as above. He said "I'm not X, your choice if you want that crappy life".

The hanging up and the attitude is a bit like my ex but it's also like a lot of people when they are pissed off, having a bit of a strop acting like a child

We don't live together, I don't think it's necessary after being out with friends to come to me when he's wrecked.

I haven't compared him to an abusive alcoholic, in fact he doesn't know about the physical abuse which I appreciate may make him understanding a bit difficult.

[Cupid5tunt]

No I'm annoyed with how he reacted tonight also.

[Smartiepants79]

No it's completely not necessary for him to come to you. I would not have wanted him either!
But it sounds like it he felt rejected and perhaps is feeling you're overreacting. If he doesn't know all your history it might make it hard to get where your coming from and why you dislike the drunken nonsense quite so much.
It does seem like he feels he's living in the shadow of your ex.

[Jeordie]

If he's three sheets to the wind I'd leave him go home, sleep it off and then I'd wait for him to get in touch with me when he's sober. Once he's got in touch I'd have a chat with him. Explain to him how it makes you feel each time he brings up "I'm not like x."


Tbh, I don't see anything wrong with not wanting him there drunk - especially if he's wrecked and sober. I try and fuck off to bed before DH gets in, if he's been on a lads night out

[AuntieMaggie]

You said that replying to him with "then stop acting like him" came into your head which implies you are comparing him and projecting even if you don't think you are.

Are you saying you're never going to see him if he's been drinking?

Tbh it just sounds to me like he was looking forward to seeing you and was hurt when he got what sounds like criticism.

[Jeordie]

And you're sober I mean. Not that he's wrecked and sober!

[Cupid5tunt]

Yeah I've sent a nice(ish) message saying I'll speak to him tomorrow and to go and enjoy the rest of his night.

I think I maybe need to explain things a bit.

[Cupid5tunt]

Now that would be multi tasking Jeordie

Auntie Maggie Yes you're probably right. I probably am after him hanging up on me and throwing a toddler tantrum but yet I have never even thought they were remotely similar before.

I of course will and have done and will again see him after a drink but to me there is a difference between a few drinks and a full day session. If we were at the point of living together I would obviously know him enough and trust him enough that it would have been something that I would have gotten past. We are still in the getting to know one another stage and I don't know about anyone else but when I'm in a new relationship I wouldn't want to turn up at their house steaming when they were sober. That would just be embarrassing

[Cupid5tunt]

Oh and that's not to say I won't see him after an all day session but preferably that would be if I was with him and I didn't have my daughter to look after.

Drunk people are also very loud in my experience and very loud and sleeping kids don't mix too well.

[Cupid5tunt]

The majority of my reasoning and the only reasons I gave him tonight were unrelated to my ex. I didn't mention my ex to him tonight just on here but he know's about my ex and actually knows him he is the one drawing the conclusions.

Sorry for the million posts, I'm realising I've not answered all the points.

[purplebearbiscuit]

I hate that "I'm not your ex" line. I've had it about unfaithfulness. The feelings we have after being through something awful at the hands of another don't respond to such logic. Like "oh right yes, forgot you were a different person for a moment (even though you're acting just like him) I'll just forget about my feelings instantly"
We've all got isshoos. Your partner needs to stop being so immature and learn that the world isn't black and white.

[JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets]

If you find yourself repeating a pattern with a man, you're choosing the wrong man. You're not projecting your past issues. Trust your instincts.

[Cupid5tunt]

I'm not quite sure it is a pattern. I would hope it was a one off but I'm struggling with whether to bother to find out or not.

On one hand everything apart from yesterday has been good. But yesterday has made me put my guard back up.