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Husband introducing children to girlfriend

(56 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 15:52:35

I caught my husband in my bed with another woman on New Year's Eve. He left and told me he loves her. He has told me that he is introducing the children to her tomorrow whether I like it or not, which I don't. What can I do?! I don't want my kids to meet her! I don't want her to have anything to do with them.

brdgrl Fri 16-May-14 09:20:01

Don't assume that she won't be around a long time. People do say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "relationships that begin from cheating never last" - but my ex-fiance left me for the OW, let's see - 16 years ago? They're still together. No, we didn't have kids. But you just don't know, and sometimes (unfair and shit as it is on our end), the cheaters end up happy together. In which case, the best thing you can do is try to provide a sense of security and cooperation (in so far as possible) for your children. I would find it hard in your shoes not to let my kids know how I felt, and I think you know that you need to not confuse them.

I couldn't keep hold of my husband and now I'm being jealous and stupid about it.
Not stupid, most of us would struggle with feelings of jealousy - and stop blaming yourself! A spouse isn't something we can "hang on to". You know that, really.

In time, the relationship may grow to where your children see this woman as a family member. But if your own relationship with them is strong, they will never see her as 'mum'.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 14-May-14 17:10:16

If I were him I would want to be very very cautious

My 14 yo has refused point blank to even talk to dad for a few years now because he did not consider DC's feelings when introducing gf as have his children with another exw ( all adults) he has no relationship with any of his children or grandchildren because of this

MrsC1969HJ Wed 14-May-14 00:10:10

I am glad I found this thread and EverythingsDozy, I really really feel for you from the bottom of my heart as a parent facing a similar situation. I won't go into the long details of my awful divorce, I have a huge thread of my own dealing with that, but I do have a massive issue with my STBXH introducing my "on spectrum" 3 yo DS to his "girlfriend" mainly because the situation is so screwed up. She had been widowed for a matter of a few months when my husband started an affair with her, a sudden and tragic death, she has a little boy who has lost his father in traumatic circumstances and he tells me that they fell in love over 17 days and he immediately moved in with her leaving the kids and I on benefits, giving up everything lock, stock and barrel to be with her including all his family and friends. I should say this woman had been known to us for around 12 years. She has been incredibly abusive to me via email, although she started off trying to be my friend and offering a shoulder to cry on, even using her dead husband and grieving child to cover the affair. I have been threatened with legal action for "implicating her in my marital difficulties", oh it goes on. We had a solicitors agreement, mainly due to her abuse, that meant my DS was not to be involved with her or her family, something they appear to have steadfastly ignored, including encouraging my DS to call her parents "Grandma and Granddad" and leaving my DS whispering her name under his breath while covering his face and saying "sorry mummy" among other things. Despite reservations of professionals involved in my son's statementing, it appears that there is little I can do. It is such a screwed up situation that I don't want my DS involved in it at all. He has enough problems as it is, too long to go into here and I feel my H should maintain one to one contact only. He, however, wants to slot my DS into his "new perfect family" and carry on repeating the pattern of a lifetime of moving from one relationship to another leaving a stream of messed up step-children in his wake. What the hell do you do? While I accept that you do have to come to terms with these things eventually, I totally agree with you EverythingsDozy that these women KNEW that the were involving themselves with a married man, KNEW that there were vulnerable children involved, KNEW that they were breaking up another family for their own ends but then expect to play mummy to your children when they have done enormous damage and left a trail of broken lives. It just astonishes me, it really does. It is not they who have to pick up the emotional mess when daddy drives off without a backward glance and believe me, I do, every week, twice a week. It's heartbreaking. There should be much more help and support for families in this situation because frankly, I am struggling to find it!

alita7 Sat 10-May-14 13:26:32

While how you feel is perfectly valid, I don't volunteer anywhere now as I'm busy with my degree, but I did for most of my relatively recent teenage years, so you have no idea what she's done up until now.

I've never slept with someone whose married or already in a relationship (though I have with someone whowas thinking about getting into one) but I do think that many people my age are very fickle, I wouldn't use it as an excuse for myself but I have lots of friends who haven't quite learnt how not to sleep with someone they're attracted to. He could have painted you out to be an awful bitch to make her feel it was all ok to do.
I still think he's the arse, though she's not great.

mathanxiety Thu 08-May-14 16:52:15

I agree with that assessment of her character, Dozy.

She and your exH seem well suited hmm.

EverythingsDozy Wed 07-May-14 14:42:01

I was pregnant at 20 with my DD so I know that not all 20yo's have no experience with children but since she works all hours I'm going to assume she doesn't volunteer anywhere and she definitely has no nieces or nephews. I guess she could have cousins or whatever but still, I don't want her near my children. She's clearly a young girl with no experience of my children. Like has been said previously, she had no concern for my children when she hopped into my bed with their dad so why can she now play happy families with them?!

All I can hope now is that karma bites them both on the butt! I know she had no reason to be loyal to me but she's hurt my children too. She should have left well enough alone when she found out that he was married with children. I can't understand these women who do these things!

WeebleOfWombledon Wed 07-May-14 14:17:03

Alita, I agree with most of what you say with regards to not assuming someone has any experience with children. Just because you may not be a mum doesn't mean you don't have any experience. smile

Bit while, it was he who did it to the OP by having an affair and ruining a family life. His girlfriend can't have any morals herself if she had affair with him fully knowing he had a wife/partner and children.

No matter how much I may like someone, I could never sleep/get involved with a man when he was already with someone and has a family.

alita7 Wed 07-May-14 13:57:50

Please don't assume she's had no experience with children, I'm 20 and pregnant.

i have 3 dsds, one of which lives with us and who I am a mother figure for as I do all the mum things for her and dp is very stereotypically male/ dad like.

Before I became part of their lives, I didn't have any neices and nephews because my brother is 14... but I had volunteered at men cap with the children's services between the ages of 15 and 18, one evening a week and on daytrips during the holidays, working with kids with learning disabilities. I did work experience in nurseries twice in school. I volunteered at a sure start mum and baby group for a year. This was all partly to get work experience to be a nurse/midwife and am now doing a nursing degree smile I also had/have very young cousins and friends with babies and young children who I have spent time with.
What I mean is don't assume she's got no experience with children, she might have lots that you don't know about. (and I had a questionable sex life until recently, so the two aren't necessarily linked)

Aside from that she will be young and have lots of energy to play with your dd.

I understand you will have the feelings you do against her, I've been left for someone else (albeit I was only 17 but had been with him for 2 1/2 years so it felt awful at the time) and there's no way I'd of wanted her near my child. But if they do become long term then it will have to happen at some point. Sometimes as much as you don't want it to be true you can leave a wrong relationship for the right one, I left my ex for my current dp and now we live together and I'm pregnant and intending to get married. Unfortunately you have to bite your tongue around your child and go sob in a pillow or cry to a friend! its horrible but so is life.

Just remember he's the one who did this to you not her, unless you were friends, she had no reason to be loyal to you, he was the arse hole who should have split up with you first, who knows she may have even tried to get him to! I'd rather my kids were around her than around him!

cestlavielife Wed 07-May-14 12:53:54

I agree that really sucks. both parties at fault tho. you entitled to be v angry with both... while finding a way to move on.

but - it's adult stuff and it's important to try and keep DD free of having to deal with it except at level of she has to understand that daddy now isn't with mummy. and daddy has a new "friend" . try to see it from dd point of view. don't let them and their actions ruin her childhood....let her have happy childhood memories despite what those two adults did to you.

counselling or a divorced and separated group workshop can really help.

nomoretether Wed 07-May-14 07:38:09

In my case, it lasted. It's been over six years now. I don't care anymore. Everyone told me it wouldn't last and in a way that made it harder because I was waiting for it to break and I slowly realised it wouldn't.

I don't care anymore because I realised how horrible my ex had been to me. She's welcome to him. She is also a fairly good SM to my children. She parents differently to me but I guess we complement eachother.

You will get over this, it will stop hurting. It will take time and you may well need help - my counsellor has been fantastic restoring my self esteem and gently pointing me in the right direction when my bitterness threatened to take over.

It's a horrible, horrible time and it will pass.

EverythingsDozy Wed 07-May-14 07:28:07

I hope you're right. I don't want to be a jealous petty bitch but I really don't want it to last between them. I don't care if he gets another girlfriend, I just don't want it to last with her.

mathanxiety Tue 06-May-14 23:50:22

I think what she did was a horrible case of stabbing another woman in the back and I would have the same reaction. The pair of them behaved as if you didn't exist and that is very traumatising.

Pinkballoon Tue 06-May-14 22:38:51

I agree with Mathanxiety - once a cheater etc… Probably won't last long.

And I'm sorry about what she did. Its unforgivable.

EverythingsDozy Tue 06-May-14 22:27:05

Grrrrrrr, why did it tell me it didn't post when it quite clearly did!!

EverythingsDozy Tue 06-May-14 22:26:19

She knew full well my husband was married when she did what she did. She came into MY home where I live with MY children and slept in MY bed with MY husband. She came into my place, my sanctuary and, in my opinion, violated it. I still walk home and get the same feelings I did when I walked home and I caught her in my bed. She actively pursued my husband, a fact he told me himself before he decided he was in love with her. I think it's up to me to decide whether she did something to me.

Anyway, that wasn't the issue here. I said I didn't want him to introduce her to my children but he disrespected my wishes by doing it anyway. FWIW, my DD hasn't mentioned her so she can't have made much of an impression.

EverythingsDozy Tue 06-May-14 22:22:12

She knew full well my husband was married when she did what she did. She also knew what she was doing when she came into MY home where I live with MY children and slept in MY bed. She came into my place and in my opinion, violated it. I still can't walk home without the feelings of walking home and finding her in my bed. I couldn't sleep in my own bed, I couldn't even go into my bedroom. She was actively pursuing my husband, which he told me before he decided he was in love with her. In my eyes, she has done something it me. She should have left well alone when she found out he was married. I think it's up to me to decide whether she did something to me.

Anyway, that wasn't the issue at hand here. I did not want her introduced to my children for her to play happy families with them but it's done now. FWIW, my DD hasn't mentioned her once so it's clear she didn't leave much of an impression.

cestlavielife Tue 06-May-14 12:22:13

this woman has not done anything to you - your h decided to go have an affair. she doesn't know you. she may or may not have been fully aware your h was married etc. both are to blame.

however what is done is done .
don't confuse dd by telling her outright you dislike this woman - remain neutral.

you are dd mum you cant be replaced. however, kids can cope with other loving adults in their lives. or just other adults whether teachers, babysitters etc.

do go talk to someone, attend a divorced and separated workshop, do something to address your own emotions and learn how to handle them - you have every right to be cross/angry etc - but these are your emotions not dd's.... think of it from dd perspective. she loves her daddy - this is dad's friend - she doesn't get nuances of marriage vows etc... ...very confusing for her.

TinkyWinkyDipsyLalaPo Mon 05-May-14 19:03:11

If you think for a second she will replace you that's ridiculous, its the same as a babysitter or nanny type figure, who is also female, also a caregiver, but never mum.

If you feel jealous of OW, have a look on the stepparents board too. The majority of stepmums (from that board) don't seem to enjoy having the children in the slightest.

mathanxiety Mon 05-May-14 06:21:40

I hope you are able to relax a little now after your traumatic weekend. This whole business is shitty and horrible and heartbreaking.


Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 21:56:36

Of course you wouldn't have said it if you knew the repercussions. But try not to do again would be my advice. Your dd may struggle to feel okay about liking someone who mummy says did something horrible to her.

EverythingsDozy Sat 03-May-14 21:17:51

Thank you so much smile I really hope you are all right! I love my kids, it hurts that I've been replaced in my husbands eyes and he's trying to replace me in my kids eyes with her too.

And wrt telling my DD that I didn't like OW, I didn't even think that she would feel disloyal by liking her. I meant no harm when I told her, I thought she might understand that mummy doesn't like this woman because she has done something horrible to me. I reassured her that it was okay if she liked her. I really didn't think it would be a problem.

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 17:46:30

OMG of course they won't love her like they love you. They will see her as some woman who has somehow got to know daddy, hopefully entertaining, and will shrug the whole thing off. Your children are young enough to mean you are the centre of the universe. Nobody can dislodge you from that place.

In the bigger scheme of things, they will feel less affection for her than they will for someone you might engage as an evening babysitter occasionally. With a bit of luck, she will make an effort for them and be attentive, and they will have a nice time.

Since your exH is not emotionally engaged with them, it is going to dawn on her at some point that she is expected to fill in the gap left by him, and this may or may not sit well. She is very young, and may end up feeling a bit used.

(And before you know it, she will be history smile. Because once a cheater, always a cheater, and nothing that got so intense so soon, and that involved crossing the boundaries that were crossed in his case has a chance of lasting. People who behave like that do not end up in stable relationships.)

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 17:31:14

Malificent, in answer to your comment about the zoo trip, it might have been more honest of exH to tell me ahead of time that his friend would be at the zoo? What he did was underhand. And if the boot had been on the other foot, there would have been hell to pay.

Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 16:15:39

I promise you sincerely that they will think absolutely nothing of her until she has "proved" herself. By that time you will feel happy that she is a nice person and that they feel safe with her. But for now all she'll be is a (hopefully) fun and entertaining adult who hangs around with daddy.

youmakemydreams Sat 03-May-14 13:15:08

I can promise you that you will always be mum. You will always be more important in your child's life than her.

It is bloody hard believe me I know. My ex didn't have an affair but sold our house and moved away to live with a woman a month after I moved out. It was hard to hand the dc over but please please don't say things like you don't like her to your dc. They will grow up remembering these things and they will also remember and be prouder of you for keeping a dignified silence.

I am 6 years down the line now and the dc have a fabulous relationship with their step mum. Her and I had a rocky road but get on well now. Can't say we are friends but can spend time in each others company and she sometimes asks to see the dc at times ex is working if it's been a while as she has a 2 year old with him and she wants the children to all have a relationship.

I know it hurts and right now it's hard to believe but jt does get easier and you will always be mummy and nobody can take that away from you.

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