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So. If there is no contact at all and never has been...

(8 Posts)
ToeFluff Mon 21-Apr-14 22:10:11

Looooong story short...

I had a very amicable split from ex before I even found out I was pregnant. Told him from the start I was keeping the baby and wasn't expecting any input and that was that til I text him to say I had had the baby. He saw ds once when he was 2 weeks old and we've not spoken since. (Ds is now 4.5)


I've somehow managed to avoid it but I know it's inevitable and I just don't have a clue what to say.

It used to be a little niggle at the back of my mind, but now it's the last thing I think of every night and I over analyse every possibility and outcome.

Please help me get a plan of action for when this arises.

Thank you

starlight1234 Mon 21-Apr-14 22:15:34

Yes do think about what you are going to say but make it the truth but age appropriate.

Mine has asked lots of asked questions ( saw his Dad till he was 3) as they keep arising you have to give more age appropriate info so if it isn't going to end up sounding like a story as he gets older if you know what I mean.

Lioninthesun Tue 22-Apr-14 20:02:18

You are lucky you have got to 4+ without any questions!
DD has asked and tends to say things like "Oh, my daddy gooone" with bottom lip out and looking at feet, which breaks my heart.
I've decided that telling her he loves her isn't the right way forward, as it teaches her that someone who has made no effort can say they love her and I want her to know that isn't right. I'm going with "Daddy works in London and has a new girlfriend" and then if she wants him to play I say "Maybe one day but we have to wait for him to call us first". It's the Grandma's which seem to be more troubling for her (my mum died so she hasn't got one) and her best friend gets collected from nursery by her's which means I get asked every day now if Grandma will come and collect her in her car. We had an incident when she fed a lamb a bottle and thought the farmer's wife was her GM and it's been 2 weeks since then but she won't hear anything else! Exp's mum lives in NZ so even if she had bothered with her first grandchild a play date with her would be unlikely! I just say she lives in another country, but she is a bit young to understand that yet. I have no intention of lying to her but I think it is important not to raise hopes.

queenofthepirates Tue 22-Apr-14 23:26:22

Have you thought about making her a little storybook with pictures you've drawn telling her the story you want her to know? That was she has something to refer back to so you don't have to repeat the story too often. Something along the lines of 'mummy and daddy made a baby but daddy wasn't able to be with us but it's okay, I have enough love for the both of us.'

ToeFluff Wed 23-Apr-14 05:26:46

Goodness I'm crying!

That really is heartbreaking Lion. I just am so aware how painful it can be if it's not done right. I don't want him to feel unwanted but at the same time I won't lie either. I'm also scared to death he will worship the absent parent..

I love the idea of the book, I guess I always thought if he grew up knowing the truth it would just be the way it is, but it's just not something I thought to talk about as he was younger, and now I'm here feeling like I have a bombshell.

He has an aunty(my side) who moved abroad and skypes with him so living far away isn't really an excuse as he would just suggest the computer. (Aunty xxxxxxxx lives in the unputer!)

Also his nan IS in contact but is old and lives a few hours away so doesn't see him often but calls and sends presents. He doesn't call her nan though he calls her a made up name from when he was a toddler that stuck. He knows she's family but hasn't made the connection it's from his fathers side or it's his nan.

I'm really aware if u know me I'm outed by now. Please don't point this out to anyone.

Lioninthesun Wed 23-Apr-14 09:30:15

Ah I don't bother trying to figure out anyone on here - I think if people want you to know who they are they would post under their names and be done with it. All for respecting privacy me grin

I do like the idea of the book but for DD I think it would encourage more questions. It is tough going over the same lines especially when she gets caught in a loop (IYKWIM) and asks over and over. I think that as long as they get the basics they can ask more as and when they think of it. Perhaps writing down some lines that you think sound good and truthful/age appropriate would be an idea? You don't have to memorise them but it might help having something you are happy with to refer to?

It is heartbreaking. I'd love her to be able to skype her GM but the last email we had from her was trying to get her son out of paying maintenance (she asked me to draw up a legal doc saying he'd not be liable and send it to his solicitor!) so I won't be emailing her to request a call any time soon! I think we need an apology first!

Lioninthesun Wed 23-Apr-14 09:41:16

Oh and don't worry too much about worshipping the absent parent - I've met plenty of people who were left by their dads as a kid, and they really rarely think about them, other than the fact they buggered off which makes them a prick! I have a friend who is adopted and has no interest whatsoever in his birth family. I have pics of DD with her daddy and we have looked at them so she knows he isn't the builder/her nursery worker/the doctor (list was getting a bit long so thought I'd make it clear!) and I think this helps her as she isn't looking for similarities in strangers - eye colour, etc.
You can only deal with the here and now, so try not to worry too much about the rest!

starlight1234 Wed 23-Apr-14 10:04:06

My DS when he was with a friend and her son , pointed to an old man and said to my friends son, that's my dad, when I told him it wasn't he then pointed to a school boy and said that's my daddy blush and he knows what his Dad looks like...

I found the worst time for my DS was the year he started school...

I have also told him things like all families are different and some children live with both parents , some don't live with mummy, some don't live with Daddy some don't live with either parent...

he watched a little bit of 15,000 kids and counting last week and we had a discussion about how some parents aren't able to look after them.

I also do think within when the questions arise it is important to let them know they are unconditionally loved by you... the fear of you leaving can come with it

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