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Fed up rant, not sure ex cares for DS

(14 Posts)
HeyBungalowBill Mon 21-Apr-14 18:36:48

He is 8 months old and I'm not sure his dad really cares for him deep down.
He pretty much sits and watches tv with DS on his knee or puts him on the floor and barely talks or plays with him if at all.

The rest of my ex's family haven't bothered to come see 8 month old DS other than once when he was born and never ask how he is. He was 3 months old the last time they saw him and they only live a 30 min drive or 1 hour bus ride away. Ex's mum doesn't work so not busy at all yet proclaims her love for DS allover my Facebook despite never coming to see him!!
They don't particularly bother me not seeing him as I don't see my dads family because they are similar and could never be bothered and it hasn't affected me at all! I have a wonderful relationship with my mums side, like DS will have.

My ex comes to see DS on all his days off which is good but it doesn't even seem like he cares when he does come, I sometimes wonder if it's to keep his family happy and pretend that he's making an effort. He admitted he never made an effort for me and DS when we were together (meaning getting a better job and learning to drive which are essential to come live with us) so I have lived alone with DS since he was 2 months old and I've made all the decisions and done everything for DS like doctors appointments, making his meals, taking him outside (I doubt he'd leave the house in his life if it was up to my ex), bathing him, changing bedding and washing clothes. Literally none of that would be done if it wasn't for me!

My ex is essentially like a babysitter who watches DS while I clean the house and it makes me sad for DS sad
He even tries getting me to help out when he has DS while I try stay out of the way and can get angry if I point out I do it all alone why can't he (Ex visits DS at my house because he lives with his parents and the bus rides would be too much to take DS, plus there's other issues so DS can't stop there over night)
I must add he is happy to see DS at my house.

However he once arrived 5 hours late to see DS and once lied saying he was too tired then it turned out past midnight with friends! And I realise DS it too young to know but I still think it's unacceptable. If I decided to ditch DS to go out I'd be labelled the worst mother around! But he does it and people justify it by saying DS is too young to know which really frustrates me!

I just get sick to death of him using me and visiting DS but not even communicating with him?!
He's also emotionally abusive (if this counts as emotional abuse?) like he repeatedly shouted at me an hour ago because there's no nappy bags left. I told him that once he is running a house and raising a child alone then he can comment! He tells me to fuck off sometimes too angry

I'm not sure what I want from this thread just a bit of a rant as I'm feeling very trapped because I'm too scared to rock the boat as I don't feel DS should stop at ex's parents house but I think he could take me to court to make it happen (I have good reason to not want him to) sad

I tried my absolute hardest with my ex to make things work as a family and he threw it all back in my face.
I'm now trying my hardest to give DS the best life he can have but I feel like his dad just causes stress and I can only imagine him caring less and less as DS grows up! sad

I want DS to have a relationship with his dad but I'm quite sure his dad will always be a half arsed dad like his own dad.

Suppose I'll just have to put up with his shite until DS is old enough to contact him and leave me out of it!

Please no aggressive responses I'm feeling shit at the moment

Meglet Mon 21-Apr-14 18:42:41

sad I can understand where you're coming from. When me and XP split up I had to facilitate contact, even then it was usually far too much like hard work for him.

Would your ex get legal aid to take you to court? Its bloody expensive and even I don't qualify despite earning £8k a year.

HeyBungalowBill Mon 21-Apr-14 18:46:31

I'm not sure he'd even bother if I'm honest. He can't be arsed to sort a new phone out (he lost his) and it's been over a month for that!

So my family aren't convinced he'd even get round to attempting to take me to court!
He earns probably £10k a year

I get sick of feeling so stressed having to sort contact then getting abuse and getting made to feel like a bad mum for refusing to help when he has DS. When he has DS is supposed to by my free time surely? Although I spend my time cleaning the house.

Ex sits on his arse here and at his parents hmm and at work funnily enough! Never does a thing in his life!

HeyBungalowBill Mon 21-Apr-14 18:57:44

Does that mean you'd have to earn even less than £8k to qualify? I'm shocked!

Meglet Mon 21-Apr-14 19:12:18

I presume so. I'm not sure what the cut off point is, but it's pretty low. Although I do get tax credit so maybe they tipped me over the threshold (it was a few years ago so I can't remember).

Your ex sounds like mine. Mine threatened all sorts of stuff and never once got around to any of it. When it came to mediation he refused to be flexible with contact because he didn't want to lose his saturday lie-ins. He even left loads of paperwork here so it was easy for the CSA to trace him via his NI number and bank details.

What you could do is get a free half hour with a solicitor and see what they advise. My gut instinct would be to try and get him to commit to regular visits and get him to do something, the park maybe. But I know that's easier said than done and frankly he's an adult so should do this already. It's not fair on you having to point out the bleedin' obvious to him!

HeyBungalowBill Mon 21-Apr-14 19:14:39

I think you are right about seeing a solicitor even if it just puts my mind at ease about what I can and can't do.

They'll hopefully be able to give me advice and where to go next because I'm sick of his behaviour and his disrespect for me!

Thank you for your replies, I need to get something sorted!

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 21-Apr-14 21:19:26

Legal aid for family law (unless its provable domestic violence or LA child protection stuff) has not existed for a year now.

Try these people

For free legal advice

cestlavielife Mon 21-Apr-14 22:47:40

Stop trying o make this man care as you can't. Only he can decide to tho maybe it would be better outside your home, give him more responsibility.
Offer short contact outside your home eg library soft play etc.

talk to your hv.
Hv could offer parenting course to your ex. Or dad and baby sessions at local sure start or childrens centre would be better,where dad would be facilitated. And you would not need to be around.
With you around dad won't get any better at this...

In principle there is no reason why a baby can't travel on a bus eg in his pushchair so that is no reason not to have baby going to his. But if you worried how dad will cope then talk to your hv and see if dad is prepared to do something like dad and baby sessions. Then you could get feedback from the workers.

But dads can't get used to caring for babies if mum is always there hovering...

cestlavielife Mon 21-Apr-14 22:49:31

And of course if he is being aggressive to you you need to be reporting this as well and firmly asking him to leave. ..that is why contact outside your home will be better.

Again discuss with your hv and get local advice . Hv wil know of local support for you .

cestlavielife Mon 21-Apr-14 22:52:10

No you don't have to put up with him.. If he agrees to eg dad and baby sessions then start with that. Otherwise it's contact wi baby outside your home, maybe supervised by another friend or relative.

Meglet Tue 22-Apr-14 07:42:39

TBH once your DS starts walking then he'll have to stop just plonking him in front of the TV. I wonder if that's occurred to him hmm.

Lioninthesun Tue 22-Apr-14 20:41:00

I think that is part of the worry though - when DS gets more active they can get into more trouble, and if he isn't supervising properly anything could happen.

I'd get something done for your own piece of mind, you'll feel much better for it. As long as you both know where you stand it means neither of you can argue it out. I found CSA was the only way with us as ex was constantly unreliable with visits and payments. I had thought taking it out of our hands would at least stop us arguing about it, but then he got a new g.f and decided to take us to court to try to stop paying maintenance hmm However getting the CSA involved was the best thing to do as now we know where we are and have no more contact at all (his choice - assume DD didn't fit in with his new social life) and at least he pays for her nappies every month!

HeyBungalowBill Tue 22-Apr-14 21:14:21

I often leave ex alone for hours at a time whoever said about mum hanging around and he knows he's more than welcome (and encouraged) to take DS out and about but it's like pulling teeth.

Funnily enough my ex is extremely generous when it comes to giving money to support DS but it feels like guilt money for not doing much, and he's reasonably good at making sure to come see DS. On paper it doesn't sound like anything that bad but it's just his attitude IYSWIM? It's like he's not a parent just a babysitter
Eg sitting infront of the tv, not reading or playing with him. I just get vibes that he really isn't interested in DS and I wonder how he will be when he gets a new girlfriend in the future. I imagine it'll either be contact stops or decreases slowly or he'll try introduce them immediately so he can see them both at the same time which won't be happening!
I wouldn't introduce a new boyfriend until we were definitely serious but I'm not sure he would be willing to wait a little while!

Me and my family are all baffled by what must go on in ex's head none of his actions make sense in comparison to what he says, it's very frustrating confused we can't make sense of him at all!

antimatter Wed 23-Apr-14 22:54:08

It must be very frustrating for you.

Your DS soon wil demand more of is dad atention. If his father won't provide it then there will be very little they will have in common. In return visits will be harder and hardet on your son.

You then have to decide what to do (maybe switch off your telly when he comes in smile ).

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