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How much effort do you make to ensure your DC have a relationship with your ex's parents?

(5 Posts)
LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 15:37:39

Ds's father and I broke up whilst I was pregnant (he went off with someone else) and he moved abroad when ds was 3. I've always been welcoming to ds's grandparents but his granny is a tad on the meddling side so it's been a case of gritting my teeth sometimes. We moved house a couple of years ago to be closer to ds's school (he's 15) and she hasn't come to see us at all, despite having family three miles away (we moved 15 miles out, I don't drive but she does so it's not far for her to come). She hasn't called (my phone number's been the same for 16 years), hasn't emailed (she has my email address, I've emailed her to let her know how ds is and she's never replied so I gave up after 6 months), and the last letter she sent was attached with a newspaper article about funding for a boarding school. We've been back to the old town a couple of times and have met up with her there but there's no other reason for us to go and I don't really have the time to do this as I work weekends and during the week, I also have MS so am not always able to run around on my days off.

It was ds's birthday yesterday and she's sent him a card, saying how much she misses him and how she only has old pictures of him and she doesn't know what he looks like hmm. She's said that she'll send him some money when he gets in touch as she doesn't know if she has the right address for us.

She's quite hard work, she'll ignore ds and will interrupt him to talk about random things when he's trying to talk to her or me. I've seen her smack her granddaughter across the back of the legs for dragging a brolly across the floor but later she deny's hitting her gc. This is also the woman who went into ds's primary unannounced and asked for a copy of his school reports because I didn't give her any information about how he was doing. She also used to collect him without being asked, I could go on.

I'm quite pissed off to be honest. I'm happy she's sent ds a card and she's told him that she's thinking of him, but surely it shouldn't be always down to me to sort contact out? Ds doesn't see his father as he's been verbally abusive previously. He also only used to visit every 18 months - 3 years for an hour so she'd never see ds at all if his father was left to sort this out.

What do I do?

Thank you for listening to me moan thanks

Honestly? I wouldn't do a thing. DS is 15 now. NOt quite an adult but definitely old enough to decide if he wants a relationship with his grandmother, and be able to develop and maintain that relationship should he wish to.

Sounds a little but like the letter was meant as some sort of emotional blackmail claptrap - so personally I would pay little heed to it. Like you said in your OP, she has ways of getting in touch with you if she was that bothered she could have used them!

She also doesn't sound like she respects boundaries either - given some of her previous behaviour. I wouldn't be rushing to bend to her whim. What would you and your kids get out a relationship with her? It can't be that much if things have fallen off like they have. At the end of the day relationships are two way - and life is to short to put your self out for inherently selfish people!

Oh, and in answer to your title question - very little at all. But then DS sees his dad every other weekend, I consider that his look out. Mind you - they have my telephone number, know where I live (and have been here for a BBQ), know where my parents live so have numerous ways to contact me should they need to. The fact they don't tells me that they are either happy with whatever arrangements my ex makes (I don't ask!) or that they really don't care that much. Either way, I don't care!

starlight1234 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:57:59

I agree with previous poster... at 15 talk to DS...

As for me..ExH mum supervised contact with Ex..she frequently said it was his time..I offered her time to see DS she refused as it wasn't fair on her DS confused

When Ex h stopped contact so did she...I didn't bother at all

2anddone Sat 12-Apr-14 23:05:05

X-mil blames me for h walking out hmm therefore has completely blanked me ever since. She last saw the dc in October and as h never asks for the children to stay at his flat, they don't get to see them. Mil and fil know where I live, my contact numbers/email so clearly it doesn't bother them that they never see dc

LadyMaryLikesCake Sat 12-Apr-14 23:14:14

Thank you. It feels as though she's sent ds a card in an attempt to manipulate him and make him feel bad for not getting in touch with her, so that's it for us. She knows where we are so there was no need for her to do this. His father sent him a birthday card but didn't put my surname on it, just ds's first name (he has my surname), which speaks volumes. I think they would do their damn hardest to distance ds from me given the chance. I suppose no family is better than a toxic one sad

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