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Seething. . how do bad ex's always come out smelling of roses?

(14 Posts)
Popplecake Wed 09-Apr-14 14:39:41

Hi . . .
Have posted on here about my ex previously. . I had just had a baby and he hit me in the middle of the night because he has a heavy addiction to cannabis and then subjected me to a campaign of agression and bullying when I refused to overlook what he did and get back with him (this was of me personally and also lying and lie-spreading at work). Since this time, I have asked him to provide a clean drugs test before seeing the baby.

Unsurprisingly he delayed and delayed until going over the 90 days period and somehow he has managed to temporarily pass this test! I know it is a good thing for the baby as I have managed to ensure that she is saf(er) with him for a time, however I am so angry that he has made me look like a liar.

Everyone at work thinks he is angel, never does anything wrong. And now he has a piece of paper to wave round and say "See? I've never done drugs in my life! And look how she tried to block me seeing the baby!" and everyone will buy it once agin sad Luckily, I took photos of his drugs paraphenalia and kept all the text messages where talks about the drugs and moods, so at least I have something to show people.

I really feel so upset about this whole situation as my ex is really the biggest liar on the planet. He has trashed me to people who don't know me and although I am an idiot for being involved with him, he has made himself out this poor victim (!!). I am still on leave at the moment so I can't correct his lies. I'm so angry and upset and I don't know what to do? Why is it that being the truthful person and proving the truth is so hard and a lying evil person makes themself smell of roses?

Star8369 Wed 09-Apr-14 15:21:25

my ex is like this he refuses to see the kids (even went as far as telling me that he only had a year left to live in 2012) but then tells anyone who will listen that I stop him from seeing the kids angry

Popplecake Wed 09-Apr-14 16:31:16

I wish my ex would just go away and leave. I got loads of hate mail informing me that he didn't want the baby anyway. Instead my ex is going to use contact to bully and control as he had done before. sad sad

LetZygonsbeZygons Wed 09-Apr-14 17:17:48

oh gosh OP, you poor thing, you and your child. I really feel for you.

mine just pissed off after he abused both me and DC and was responsible for her physical disabilities from the abuse, some of my disabilities, yet he was never ever arrested/charged/ sent down.

he soft soaped everyone andnt they too thought he was the bees knees. we are lucky that hes disapperared off the face of the earth and weve not seen him in over 10 years but he just left us high and dry, homeless, the lot. and blamed me for DCs mental problem and other medical things-autism/asd/ocd etc etc.

I know. how do they always get away with it?
thanks for you and anyone else whos been/going through it.

LetZygonsbeZygons Wed 09-Apr-14 17:18:39

Op keep all the hate mail/texts/emails etc etc and use that as evidence, get yourself a social worker as after what hes done hes likely to harm your child.


LetZygonsbeZygons Wed 09-Apr-14 17:19:29

sorry, another thing, his contact-isn't it supervised contact? then he cant go near you.

equinox Thu 10-Apr-14 04:14:27

LetZ is right Popplecake I do really feel for you.

If you get yourself a contact centre worker arranged through Social Services that will give you that extra bit of support.

Meanwhile as to work which really does sound quite horrendous as you are surrounded by those who disbelieve and invalidate you - is there a manager or a person in HR you can communicate with on a one on one basis about all of this?

Social Services can be a slow process owing to the triage system if you call Family Lives they may know a way of speeding it up. Alternatively the local womens centre may know how to get the appropriate official parties on your side - perhaps a solicitor although I really don't know. Of course there is such little funding left these days for legal aid assistance so unless you are in plentiful funds this may be a stumbling block in itself. Quite often the local womens centre will have a solicitor who is available for initial free advice.

Do get people on board at work though as you cannot work in that environment once you return from maternity leave with things as they stand.


LetZygonsbeZygons Thu 10-Apr-14 17:08:14

Thanks equinox I know cos Ive been through hell with my ex.

OP how are you today? have you managed to sort anything out?

Popplecake Thu 10-Apr-14 19:35:34

Hello LetZ and equinox . yeah . . it's sickening how they show themself differently to the outside world. I know no one is perfect but he presents himself in such a way that people are fooled . . sad

equinox . . I tried for supervised but he offered a family member as a go-between and I agreed this, although the go-between is now revealing traits like him and now seems unable to assimilate basic information and has started hassling me when I told them I was finalising with the solicitor first and not just going back to letting them ride roughshod over me just because he sent me the drugs test results personally!! Honestly, I feel like a much older person trying to explain very simple things to two children having tantrums. Very frustrating and I have no patience for it. My baby is more mature and reasonable than them!!

LetZ . . thank you for asking smile I had a really productive day with regards to work - thinking about what I want to do an realising that I am not completely stuck and I can move forwards from this. I also decided to change my phone number, that I will leave work etc.

I know it might not work out this way, but I like to think that people will see through these sort of men eventually I mean, how many relationships do they have to ruin before people think hmmm???

starlight1234 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:09

I have experience of my Exmil supervising be honest it wa awful..It didn't work her priority was her DS not her Grandson....I have since spoke to a SW who said rarely does family supervision work...

Agree keep all these texts and messages....

My Ex was addicted to cannabis...It is highly underestimated how little effect it has..

ej3166 Fri 11-Apr-14 20:37:10

I don't have any history that comes anywhere near as serious as your situation ladies- but I do have an ex that's seems to always come out of roses.
He fools everyone he works with - he's such a great liar- he has two friends who he uses when it suits him but they don't see it- or do but say nothing.
It enrages me massively that he can just skip around in life- forgetting his responsibilities - whilst I do all the hard work :-(

MexicanSpringtime Sun 13-Apr-14 07:44:53

Well that is why us obviously intelligent ladies fell for them and then we beat ourselves up for having been fooled

foolsrushin Tue 15-Apr-14 22:58:08

Aww I feel for you. I think this is the way my life could be in a few months time. I will be doing exactly the same as you. No drug test no contact! Thats if he wants to have anything to do with the baby at all xx

smileyforest Wed 16-Apr-14 18:43:17 exH...soon to be Teacher of young children....does not bother with his boys...does not support them...the youngest lives with him as near his School but now with me most of time...I support both money etc etc..I work full time...he has been doing PGCE...says he could 'take me to the cleaners' for money??? He will be working full time come Sept again...has married and brought his Japanese wife over who does not work....been to Japan 3x....Never takes the boys anywhere..never phones his eldest..or take any interest in his life....I feel so sad for them at times...
He is looked upon as someone 'good' as he is to become a Teacher!!!

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