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Im so sad I cant give DC the life she deserves.

(31 Posts)
LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:07:48

sorry, feeling so down.
fed up as a lp (Ex was a wife and child beater, peed off somewhere and doesn't pay a penny, disappeared off the face of the earth (good thing actually))).

Im disabled, DCs disabled so we are limited in mobility as it is, I have to live on benefits as im a fulltime carer for lifelong disabled DC, cant afford to go anywhere parks become a bore after a while, museums are free but the journey there isn't, Dcs quite happy in her own enclosed little world (shes sitting on rug playing with her dolls atm) but im always feeling guilty. other children out playing/going to friends, DC cant as shes autistic and stuff, its literally just me and her. shes never complained or anything, but I find myself comparing myself to other families.

we have no one who ever offers to take us out, friends have their own families, we went out with some once and they were very impatient at us struggling to get up and down stairs and things and walking very slowly etc.and embarrassed when Dc had a meltdown.

we get no help whatsoever from 'services'. no groups to join as DC cant handle social situations -one to one is okay but that's it-. not her fault of course.

but weve NEVER had a break/holiday in 13 years. just cant afford it at all. rents gone up and my housing benefit doesn't cover the extra so cant even put away for emergencies, and cars on its last legs and we get no help for it even though we are both disabled.

BTW let me stressthis is NOT a begging thread, I know some people do this, and someone reported me once thinking I was one of those,im a regular here. this is just a rant and wanting a hug!

and then people wonder why I cant stand smugeron and his minions and the royals on yet another holiday.........

sorry its long.

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 04-Apr-14 20:11:10

There are charities which fund holidays for families like yours. Have you tried the family fund?

You're doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up as you're doing a cracking job. Your child is loved and wanted smile


LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:12:34

Thanks lady I have tried family funds but I get no joy at all from there and even if I did id have to use the money to put away fro emergencies so contradicting myself really.

id manage a day out somewhere maybe but I have to be prepared for emergencies.

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 04-Apr-14 20:14:35

There's loads of others, maybe you could post in SN? smile How about the CAB, they may know. A lot of local charities can help so it's worthwhile asking.

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 04-Apr-14 20:16:18

Oh, what about these? It's not a holiday but someone to give you a hand

LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:17:12

Ive posted same thread in sn! you read my mind! wanted here too as a lone parent.

im thinking of going to CAB and asking actually, thanks.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 04-Apr-14 20:21:11

There was a programme on BBC the other day, The Saints and the Scroungers and in the Saint bit they talked about Home start (hope I'm nit fudging it up) sending volunteers to help families in need. Maybe at least a volunteer could do something fun with your DD? I'm sure there must be funded holiday camps for young people too somewhere!

RubyrooUK Fri 04-Apr-14 20:21:40

Big hugs. You sound like a wonderful loving mum who protected her baby from a bad relationship and who does her best in a hard situation.

And your DD just knows she can rely on you. Which is what she needs and wants in life.

I can't offer anything more practical than a virtual hug but you definitely deserve that. X

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 04-Apr-14 20:23:25

smile Fingers crossed!

I'm a LP too and we haven't had a holiday, not a proper one anyway (ds is 14). It's tough when you're doing the same things every day. Your daughter knows that you love her, she knows that she's wanted and that's worth more than anything else.

Try homestart.

LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:26:59

thsnks. Drink I can have massive fun with DC she doesn't need anyone else to, maybe im taking your post the wrong way?

thing is its a bit meh as DCs socially inept she needs me at all times and that's no prob at all, id just like to be able bodied and 'normal' to do normal things with her as in days out, a full day out and not a couple of hours which is all we can manage, we are used to out lives like this, I jsu get bursts of guilt and jealousy when friends tell me their 'normal' kids have done this and that and they've all been on a family holiday etc etc and it makes me feel im as small as an ant.

I know im doing the best I can and I am a good mother, DC and I are very close but its that despondency that ill Never BE ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN HOUSE/HOLIDAYS/ etc (oops caps lock!). sorry, im rambling now.

going to go as need to put DC to bed. thanks for all replies and support. xx

GiveTwoSheets Fri 04-Apr-14 20:27:05

How old is your child, young enough to use sure start centre.

What about home start?

LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:32:47

shes 13.

atos35 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:34:55

You may feel like you aren't giving her the life that she deserves but in fact you have created a life for her that is safe, free from an abusive father and she now lives in an environment free from violence and aggression. That is a great gift. I know how isolating and lonely it is being a SP, I have never been able to afford a foreign holiday for my kids but we make do with camping trips and nice days out as treats. Try not to compare yourself with others and be a bit kinder to yourself, you are doing a wonderful job under incredibly difficult circumstances by the sounds of things. Sending a hug x

LetZygonsbeZygons Fri 04-Apr-14 20:36:31

thank you all, and I know all LPs are doing the best they can too. xx

GiveTwoSheets Fri 04-Apr-14 20:37:40

Ok you say she is disabled, does the disability she have run any charity schemes, I know with my nephews they sometimes will fund for certain things.

Viviennemary Fri 04-Apr-14 20:39:34

Some areas have schemes where children can be taken on days out. I am sure we all do the very best we can for our children. I agree try the Citizens Advice Bureau.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 04-Apr-14 20:43:56

Yes, you took it the wrong way smile

You said your DD is not confident in social situation (sorry if I'm paraphrasing it wrong) so it could be good for her to spend some tine with another trusted person, where maybe they could do something outside, if you are physically unable to do it. Don't know, just going by your OP. I did not presume that you do not do fun things with her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 04-Apr-14 20:44:17

Sorry, your DD, not 'her'.

GiveTwoSheets Fri 04-Apr-14 20:46:55

I just remember along time ago I used to get support from a lovely lady from parent partnership we even had few trips out which where funded and 80% of children had disabilities of all kinds, she also helped with other things. Could you look under your local council to see if they have one or if library has leaflets advertising them. I was originally recommended thru the LEA when dealing with some school issues when the parent partnership was a new thing they was rolling out

SoonToBeSix Fri 04-Apr-14 20:54:53

Op try again with family fund am really surprised they won't give you a holiday. If they do it would have to be spent in a holiday so you could take you dd away without feeling guilt that the money could be put to " better" use. Whereabouts in the country are you? Someone might be able to recommend something local.

InkleWinkle Fri 04-Apr-14 21:54:02

I have no practical advice but please reassure yourself that the life your DC deserves is one with love & care & respect. And you give her all these. xx

LetZygonsbeZygons Sun 06-Apr-14 17:38:28

thank you all again.

Simile Sun 06-Apr-14 19:57:19

Have you tried the children's network at your local council? (I'm presuming its national and not just mine). Ive got two free outings from them over easter which is godsend.

Is there any local fb groups for your Dcs disability? They can be a good source of info and support.

Ring surestart/one point hub to ask about services.

I had no support for a few years because I didn't realise that there was any. Now I do feel supported. It takes a bit of detective legwork but its well worth it.

LetZygonsbeZygons Sun 06-Apr-14 20:03:37

tried everywhere, they don't 'get' everything DCs got and always ALWAYS offer the completely wrong resources for her.

its like everything I say washes over their heads.

we're okay 'socially', its just that desolate feeling, also wishing I had a man in out lives, DC and I are a family but I always feel theres a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle and that's a man. for many reasons!

its not that I cant bring DC up or anything, God knows no ones more devoted than me (you lot included of course grin), its the missing link.

I wish this feeling would go away and I accept its always going to be me and DC (who wants an ugly disabled woman anyway?) I realise that, I just get that 'man' loneliness sometimes too, we have friends but they all have 'normal' kids and the one who doeant has a DH who does most of the work with her DS anyway so she lives the life of riley!

smokeandglitter Sun 06-Apr-14 20:04:04

Where about a are you? Only I'm in London and have a freedom pass so journeys are free and we get prices off for my carer which keeps the cost down. I'm sure you'd qualify for this or a similar scheme.

Otherwise I agree with trying family fund again.

I just want to say as well, you're giving her a wonderful life by loving her. She will love you for being the best mum you can be, no one has a 'perfect' life and if you care enough to worry that you're not giving her enough that proves you're doing the very best you can. Lots of love your way.

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