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Unreasonable to want this relationship?

(23 Posts)
WheresMyWaistGone Wed 02-Apr-14 23:02:27

Evening Lovely Ladies (and Gents!)

Please can I have your thoughts?

I have been on my own since ds, now 6 years old, was 2 months old, due to ex's inability to be faithful. I have not dated anyone since then. My entire life has been (and of course still is and will remain) my ds.

I have met someone smile. He was a friend, so my ds met him, and then it developed...

I'm 37, he's 51 and separated but not divorced. No children. Loves my ds (6) who loves him back. He lives a little way away, so we get a couple of days every few weeks as a family. Ds is better behaved when we're together and I feel supported and cared for by someone other than friends and family.

But my parents are barely talking to me. The fact that my man (can't really call him a bf at our age!) is not divorced yet apparently makes me no better than my ex (who was unfaithful whilst I was pregnant). Apparently I'm making my Mum ill. Dad isn't sleeping etc etc.

I am close to my parents and we live about 5 mins apart. Of course I have relied on them for 6 years and they have supported us without question.

Everyone else is happy for me and can't see an issue (even a friend who is a church leader) - it's 2014 afteral, and they have been separated for a year or more.

The GP has doubled my anti-depressant dose as I was in such a state at the last appointment and my stomach is in knots over my parents all the time. Am I being unreasonable for pursuing this relationship that makes me happy, feel supported and completes my little family? Should I be concerned that my parents are so vehemently against it (of course there are other reasons that I wouldn't want to bore you with but the lack of divorce seems to be the main one!).


anapitt Wed 02-Apr-14 23:06:59

I'm happy for you too. it's your life , not theirs

Minime85 Wed 02-Apr-14 23:27:02

sounds like you are happy and D's is happy. if others can't be for you its a real shame but its their loss. they really need to see a bigger picture. have u tried talking to them about it all? have they seen how happy u all are together ?

I'm separated and just started dating. I am worried about telling my mum as I really like the guy I've been dating. but I've got to be happy. happy me makes happy mummy, makes happy kids smile

DontCareAboutYourShoes Wed 02-Apr-14 23:28:04

Could they be worried that he's targeting your vulnerability? They shouldn't be stressing you out but perhaps they are worried for you. You don't say how long you've been with this man so if it's moving fast they could be worried about what will happen.

nomoretether Thu 03-Apr-14 09:49:43

That's really sad, wheresmywaistgone. I'm sorry they can't be happy for you and worse than that, putting the guilt of them making themselves ill over it on you, that's not good. If the other little issues are definitely little then I say follow your heart.

When I first read your post, my immediate thought was - wait til the divorce is over! But that's from my situation of trying to get the divorce through and exW stalling and stalling for no reason (we met 6mo after separation). It's a real drag on our relationship. That said, I couldn't have waited to be with him and the 18 months we've been together have been the best 18 months of my life and I did consider telling him to contact me again once it was all sorted but I'm glad I just grabbed what he offered with both hands. We have a great life together (exW issues aside) and I hope you have the same happiness with this man smile

Malificentmaud Thu 03-Apr-14 10:37:53

So are they simply worried that you are being immoral for dating a married man? Or are they worried about the relationship itself? You said he lives a away away... are they worried that his marriage may not actually be over? Are they worried that you are vulnerable and not ready for a relationship?

To be honest, what ever the reason is it's your life and your an adult. But if they have other reasons besides the first one (which is batty and should be ignored!!) then maybe you should listen to what they have to say at least?

Do they have form for pissing on your fire or for judging things like remarrying etc.?

WheresMyWaistGone Thu 03-Apr-14 10:38:35

Thanks Ladies.

Minime yes I have tried talking to them but they only see the fact that he's married and that I have previously made bad bf decisions! The fact that ds likes him, that I'm happy and supported etc is irrelevant. They don't want to meet him and anyway I'm so on edge with them now that it wouldn't show them that we're happy!

Glad you have found someone Minime. Is your Mum likely to be anti? And if so, similar reason to mine?

Shoes, he's not targeting my vulnerability and I don't think the parents have thought of that one! Yes I think they feel it's moved too quickly - we have known each other since November as friends and got together in February.

<Newsflash> Just spoken to him. He's so concerned that it's making me ill and damaging my relationship with my parents that he's stepping back. Totally in bits.

WheresMyWaistGone Thu 03-Apr-14 10:46:54

Ah - posts crossed! nomoretether we did try waiting but we couldn't. We just want to be together. And yes Maud they have always disapproved of my relationships. They think that his exW will take every last bean he has, which she can't as they have no children and so it's 50:50 and that I will lend him money - which I won't (and anyway I can't!) and he wouldn't want me to / ask for anyway.

I know the moral thing is daft in this day and age. I have just spoken to a friend who is only 5 yrs younger than my mum and she nearly spat out her tea when I told her! She agreed with the concerns over my ds and how he will feel if it falls apart, but how can I know if it will work or not if I don't try?


ormirian Thu 03-Apr-14 10:50:29

I think the issue maybe that 'seperated' so often means 'still married but having a break and hedging my bets'. Not saying that is the case with your chap but maybe that is what is worrying them. How long has he been seperated ? Is there talk of actual divorce?

It might sound harsh but to me it sounds like you need to do two things

1 - take it slow with this man. Don't rush to move to be with him. (by all means enjoy it, but it always pays to be careful, whoever you are with)
2 - Put some distance between you and your parents

This is your life. You get to make the decisions. And if you are happy that should be the end of it.

You are letting your parents feelings overwhelm you. You need to figure out why this is the case.

LadyInDisguise Thu 03-Apr-14 11:00:40

That's do wrong in so many levels.
I think your parents are wrong to think that the fact he is separated and not married isn't good enough.
I think they also seem to trust you very little. In effect they are implying that as you have mad a bad choice with your ex then you can't be trusted to find the right partner for yourself....

I am sadsad that your partner wants to back off.
Not seeing each other isn't going to solve the real problem which lies with your parents, not him.
I round suggest to tell your parents that it's your private life and you do not wish to discuss it with them and stop talking about him to them.
Then carry on with your relationship. You seem to have found a nice man as your partner.

Oh and btw your relationship isn't going too fast either. Some proe are planning a wedding by that stage no no I've never done that myself

DoctorTwo Thu 03-Apr-14 11:23:57

Right, as others have posted you need to tell your parents it's none of their business. Then call your new chap and tell him that he is not the cause of your depression, your parents are, and that he makes you happy. And like Minime said, a happy you means a happy child. Good luck.

DontCareAboutYourShoes Thu 03-Apr-14 12:01:24

There you go then. It's the speed. You've known him five months, together for two, and you're spending time together as a family? Your ds loves him after such a short time? There's no such thing as couldn't wait, there's just wouldn't wait. I'll never understand why people just allow men into their children's lives after such a short time.

LadyInDisguise Thu 03-Apr-14 12:38:57

Errr because her ds met him when they were just friends??? Or are you saying that as a single mum her ds should never meet any if her male friends 'just in case'?

LadyInDisguise Thu 03-Apr-14 12:39:30

Errr because her ds met him when they were just friends??? Or are you saying that as a single mum her ds should never meet any if her male friends 'just in case'?

BertieBotts Thu 03-Apr-14 12:48:59

I think your parents have some quite strong issues here and you need to separate what they think from what is actually happening in your life and what you want.

Him stepping back is probably fine, as long as it's out of concern rather than "She's crazy" - it sounds like it's probably the case but you need to calm down (hard I know sad) and communicate with him - don't accept "backing off" on its own - you have an adult relationship, discuss like adults what that means. Perhaps you see each other a little less often for a while. Perhaps you try to see him without DS as much, perhaps you step back how serious it is just until you both feel 100% comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that but you need to explain and agree what you're actually doing, otherwise it's going to be taken as a euphemism for "this isn't working but I want to let you down gently".

I understand that your DS has met him as a friend first and hence it's fine for him to be in contact with him too, but I do agree that going out "as a family" is a bit much after a month and a bit. At the moment, sorry to sound patronising, but you're really playing at being a family, he's not invested in you enough yet (if he is, that's a red flag, so be careful) to play that role with your son, bringing him in too early in a "Dad" role can make it more difficult for him to transition into a real "Step-Dad" role later on.

Fine for DS to see him when he comes to take you out, fine for you to do short outings with the 3 of you, but not most weekends - that's too much. It probably isn't a problem now, but it's basically making things difficult later on.

DontCareAboutYourShoes Thu 03-Apr-14 14:15:00

Errr, there's a difference between meeting someone and spending time together "as a family". There's a difference between going on a day out with mummy's new boyfriend and spending time together "as a family". As a single mum, someone should be able to meet up with male friends but to recognise boundaries if they do become a partner. They aren't a family after two months and using phrases like that just sets off red flags for OP being another woman desperate for that happy ever after which means she may not be vetting this guy properly and her parents might actually be on the right track. Someone who plays happy families so quickly might not be that good at recognising this. See it all the time on here.

Minime85 Thu 03-Apr-14 18:51:36

hi Op. I think our parents have our best interests at heart or at least most of the time.

actually spoke to my mum yesterday and she was fine. wants me to be happy. I'm the one still married though but he left me. neither ex nor I have any intentions of getting back together. if all goes well I have no plans to introduce my dds to him in person for about 6 months I'm thinking.

OP - maybe stepping back, or letting the BF step back a little right now might be worth it. There's a few reasons I say this...

1. You've known him 6 months and been with him 2, yet are talking about all 3 of you being a family, this seems a little quick
2. You have just had your AD's doubled, which means you were on them before and its getting worse. It may well be your parents reaction that is the main cause but whatever the reason it is affecting your health which is a worry
3. You seem to be overly affected by your parents opinion on the matter - this suggests to me that either your MH is quite fragile or there is something else at play. This too is a worry.

Take your time. He's not going anywhere so there is now rush to make this into something heavy and serious. Concentrate and you and make sure you are in the right place, and feeling good about everything.

WheresMyWaistGone Fri 04-Apr-14 10:49:54

Thanks one and all.

Minime so glad all is well with you! Giantpurple yes, AD increased but because of parents attitude - I had been much better and hoping to come off them until they flipped out. My MH is actually ok (!) - I just have always had a very close relationship with my parents and I hate upsetting anyone / confrontation etc so upset with people always affects me.

I understand your concerns over talking about being a family and too deep too soon. It worries me too, but as I said, we spent time the three of us before there was anything between me and him, and even then it felt like a family unit, not at all like when other male friends come to stay (nothing going on there, believe me!!!). I guess us getting together has been a natural progression of that feeling.

Thanks again everyone. It's been a tough few days. Had a pretty civilised conversation with my Mum last evening too, so that's a relief.

Jeez - this relationship malarkey is a minefield!


LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 04-Apr-14 11:03:40

I am still technically married but met my DP a year and a half ago. He doesn't mind at all that I'm still married, but some older members of his family have asked why we aren't getting married and were a bit shocked to hear that I'm still married to someone else.

To be fair, I have done the initial stuff, but it just stalled and there is no urgency to get it sorted out really, as it won't make any practical difference.

I can understand why older or particularly moral/religious people might have an issue with it, but it is nothing like being unfaithful/cheating when you are no longer living in couple relationship with your spouse.

Your DP is very thoughtful to be considering stepping back for the sake of your health, but make sure he knows that you need his support, as your parents are unlikely to suddenly change their views because you are seeing him less if they think you shouldn't be seeing him at all.

WheresMyWaistGone Fri 04-Apr-14 11:49:24

Hi Lynda - thank you! The wierd thing is that my parents aren't religious at all. But I guess they're from a different moral era - they have been married for over 40 years so have a different perspective.

My DP astounded me yesterday by saying that he had been researching depression and had realised that he could help me overcome it. And yes, he really wants to support me with the depression and my parents and ds etc etc.

Minime85 Fri 04-Apr-14 16:51:24

where I think its a huge generation thing. also if they haven't had any experience of it I think that's a factor too. I know my parents especially my DM is really concerned about new partners on either side and if they have kids and then grandparents etc too. could that be part of it?

your dp sounds lovely and like he really wants to help and support u thanks

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