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advice on whether to let son see dad a year after no contact for closure

(19 Posts)
exmrs Fri 28-Mar-14 21:30:42

Basically ex husband messed son about for a year with contact , not turning up, seeing him as little as possible, wanting to fit son around his hobby or he wouldn't turn up, then as I said regular contact or don't bother as it was upsetting for son he took his get out of parenting pass and ran.

Its been a year of no contact at all and suddenly after watching a film where a dinosaur finds his long list dad it had opened up old wounds.

Son does have additional needs ans will obsess over things and he says he wants to see his dad and have a go at him, but then will say he wants a dad.

I have been in touch with ex husband to see basically whether he would see him as son obsessing and wanting me to drive and find him.
Ex basically said he will see him but it's don't blame him for any upset as he will be walking away

So do you think I should let son see dad fir closure hoping ex will put it across he can't be a dad and my son will accept it rather than hearing me saying it or will it cause more upset?

Son has been crying all week so he in a bad way but I don't know whether he will get closure or make it worse?

exmrs Fri 28-Mar-14 21:32:02

Just re read it's not clear, ex will see son but then walk away again no contact

stiffstink Fri 28-Mar-14 21:36:07

How old is your son?

exmrs Fri 28-Mar-14 21:37:36

He is 7

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 28-Mar-14 21:38:05

Could you help your son do a video message for his dad or a letter/ email as first contact?

It really doesn't sound, from what you say, that his dad is going to admit he's been bad and give your son closure. It sounds more like your son will be wound up, rant and dad will at best walk away at worst inappropriately respond - in the manor of a petulant child not a parent.

exmrs Fri 28-Mar-14 22:14:14

Thanks for reply ,email/video not possible due to Ex wouldn't want me to read his letter back, plus he will probably accuse Me of getting him to write certain questions

I can't win with him as he said originally he wouldn't meet son as he couldn't be doing with me grilling son after finding out what's been said or me telling him what to say. Misunderstandings did happen during contact before as we weren't on civil terms nut he would go ahead and contradict something I had told son rather than find out why I said it to protect son from obsessing

But if I say then I will be present so no misunderstandings then I am controlling

Monetbyhimself Sat 29-Mar-14 08:35:29

What a complete, total and utter git of a man. I think ih he has no intention of seeing him again, then there would be nothing to be gained from a one off visit other than to give your son false hope.
I am stunned at how cruel your Ex is. Is there really no way he would attend mediation to see if you could come to an arrangement about some sort of ongoing contact ?

PigletUnrepentant Sat 29-Mar-14 08:58:58

You know... Unless his dad dies he will never get any closure as he will continue to struggle to understand/blame himself or anyome else for his dad walking away from him.

It seems like his dad is not prepared to stay in contact regularly, actually from your post it seems that he is agreeing to see him on this occasion on tef condition that he is free to walk away at any point. May I ask you how can you imagine this could be of any benefit to your child? It is just putting him right in the spot to habe his heart broken even further.

I know he is crying for his dad, but he is crying for a dad that you both know doesn't exist. Cut your loses, explain your son that he cannot see his dad for the time being in words he can accept/understand. Try not to let him dwell into these things so much, distract and be truthful, sometimes ehen they ask difficult questiond the inly right answer is "i don't know why your dad is acting like this, and I don't know when you will see you next, but I just want you to know that I understand how you are feeling and why" abd then try to get his attention into other things.

PigletUnrepentant Sat 29-Mar-14 09:01:14

(Oh dear, apologies for so many typos!)

BillyBanter Sat 29-Mar-14 09:12:20

Is there any possibility of you and ex agreeing in advance a statement that he will say. A last act of 'care' from him? Not one that admits blame as that clearly won't happen but not casting blame either and just reassuring son it is not his fault.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 11:19:00

What a horrible man. Personally I don't think I would bring him back in to your sons life. I do wonder if seeing him again will intensify what he is currently feeling and you may end up in a more difficult position of trying to explain why it was only that once that he could see his Dad.

What an absolute dick, some people just do not deserve children do they?

Meglet Sat 29-Mar-14 11:28:37

I wouldn't. I think it will prolong the agony.

As you said you can't win, then I'd just leave it. Is he likely to go to the courts if you let it drop or will he stop hassling you?

starlight1234 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:42:37

By the sound of it this guy will not give your son Closure..My Ds is 6 and doesn't see his Dad since he was three...He really struggles with it from time to time ...

He is just like your son though..sometimes he wants to kill him/ hates him/ sometimes wants his just to be a Dad...

Maybe although his Dad won't see it..If he wrote a letter may help him to get his feelings out.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 29-Mar-14 20:33:06

I'm pretty sure doing so would be quite emotionally damaging for both of you

MyFabulousBoys Sat 29-Mar-14 20:43:37

Don't do it. If your son is upset and there is a risk he will vent and then ex walks away and doesn't see him again, DS will think it is his fault, his behaviour. I don't think any good can come of this meeting even if the meeting goes "well". Your son will always take it as a rejection, not as closure.

Get your son some help to deal with this. Family therapy maybe? You say he has additional needs. Is he already in touch with CAMHS? Also if you have a sympathetic school it may be worth talking to them about this as it could make your son sad/volatile.

Good luck to both of you. This is a terribly sad OP and your ex is a total tool.

LongPieceofString Sat 29-Mar-14 20:52:03

Are you in touch with any of ex's family? Just wondering if he has a mum/dad/sibling who is not an utter shit, who could explain to DS that his dad isn't around because he is not a good person, could be healthier way of doing it?

CarolineDaly Sat 29-Mar-14 20:55:06

I agree w billy banter - IF you could agree with your ex in advance about what he might say to your son during the meeting it might help your son heal a little but otherwise, it could do more harm than good as unkind words will really sting him. I guess it's clear your ex is a complete git - so depends if he can be trusted to man up for half an hour or so. Good luck, I think speaking to counsellor for guidance might help too xx

NoodleOodle Mon 31-Mar-14 00:53:25

I wish we could stick a big flashing sign on the heads of these 'parents', so that the whole world could see who was a dead-beat.

PigletUnrepentant Mon 31-Mar-14 23:46:44

I really wish the suggestion of Billy Banter was feasible, but I think the sutuation the Op is in is beyond that: trying to agree on something for the benefit of the child will be sern by this twat as she is trying to control things, which will only bring more heartache and abuse both to the OP and her child.

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